........ they're good aren't they?
Is that why I often get a pat on the head? ;)
Oh dear me... :D.
:-/ What?
Don't be daft, everyone knows cows hide down holes.
Bet the moles get pissed off! 😜
Beeves in the leaves, is it? Or cow on a bough?
so well camourflaged they're udderly undetectable
There are too many coats in this soggy heap.
Could you find your own, Dan ? ;) ;D
Cheers - Phil
Blimey, we are milking this thread for all its worth!
Just donning my soaky coat now... :D
I think most of these are pretty coo l
I know, I know, I'll get my own coat from the pile as I leave :D
I've herd most of these gags before.
If someone cracks another cow joke I'm going to heifer a fit!
Although, to be fair, some are worth an entry in my dairy.
Sorry :-[
Hoof 'ave thought it could get any wurst? :P
Cheeses, give us a break.
X_X
I can see me being extra, extra busy handing coats back soon.
Cheers - Phil
Quote from: Techno on 30 January 2015, 02:28:00 PM
X_X
I can see me being extra, extra busy handing coats back soon.
Cheers - Phil
Have you missed me :D
It's just a load of bull!
Edward
But there was no udder choice!
These cracks reVEAL an underlying desperation among many of our jesters.
Phil can I have my coat. It's Friesian in here
AAAARGH !! X_X ~X( #-o
Form an orderly queue, please Gentlemen.
Cheers - Phil
Phil - WORK FASTER....
IanS
Phil, if you've got a beef with any of this, take it up with the management.
That would be really raising the steaks. :-S
Quote from: Westmarcher on 30 January 2015, 05:05:30 PM
That would be really raising the steaks. :-S
Phil-it really isn't getting any better :D
As long as no one MINCES their words, I guess someone will STEAK a claim to this thread as being reasonable, it might even be made into a book and be LEATHER bound in COW HIDE.
No, I can't do this anymore, to early in the day! :(
Some say there is a cow ready to sign a book deal (provisional title, "How to hide in trees.") but, being realistic, its only a ruminant. :)
Quote from: Westmarcher on 30 January 2015, 05:58:04 PM
Some say there is a cow ready to sign a book deal (provisional title, "How to hide in trees.") but, being realistic, its only a ruminant. :)
;D
Sort you own coats out ! ;D ;D ;D
(Does make a change from the fish puns, though....And that is NOT, I repeat NOT an excuse to start now !)
Cheers - Phil
Sorry. I'm hooked. On a scale of 1 to ten-ch oose how much you hate fish puns.
You must be up to your gills in them. Sorry, is this getting orcaward?
Ten squid says we can actually cause Phil psychological damage :D
How would we tell?
I'm saying nothing ... I'm completely cowed and I know my plaice :P
;D =O ;D
I hate to mussel in on this wit-session, but shut up, losers.
Alright, don't carp on about it!
Haddock enough yet?
Yep !!
Stop it...The lot of you ! :P
Cheers - Phil
Are we Finnish now?
Quote from: Westmarcher on 31 January 2015, 12:19:28 PM
Are we Finnish now?
Yeah, I think we've Thai'd ourselves in knots.
Think I'll need to go cold Turkey after this thread!
You chicken, Will !
(Oh no.....I've joined in, now.) :-[ :-[ :-[
Cheers - Phil
That was a paltry joke!
Okay, don't crow about it.
I'm raven about it. It's a lark!
Wren you start coming out with gags like that you look like a great tit :D
Everyone seems to have posted here...Is it my tern yet?
If you must, don't just sit there huffin and puffin!
What a Carrion!
Grouse!
That's one for Antipodean members
This is going to be a lark. Get the bunting out as this is going to be good
Hmmm I could do one about the shag and the swallow, but its hard to think of a pun to go with them
Oh.. Oh...I've thought of one
No its gone
Oh Duck!
Feel a bit of a goose now
No reason to snipe at people.
Budgies to the lot of you.
Don't get bittern and twisted!
I think we should all make a swift exit at this point.
Cheers - Phil
You swan in and out of here.
I'm devoid of ideas. Totally rooked.
Keep thinking teal something comes to you.
Well that is more than enough
I'm off to start my fantasy project and paint an Auk unit
Simple Simon met a Pie Man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man, "What have you got there?"
"Pies! You daft coote!"
(at least I think he said that ....)
That pieman was a roc
I think we're all cuckoo.
8-} 8-} 8-}
Wait 'til you see the tro(phy Nik's) got for the painting competition!
Are you all Sun readers? :P :P :P
Can fans of that paper actually read?
Quote from: FierceKitty on 02 February 2015, 01:08:34 AM
Can fans of that paper actually read?
As a special needs teacher I can reliably inform you that the Sun has a decoding reading age of 9 years!
As to mental age...
For the benefit of our overseas members, the Sun is a scandal-sheet or adult comic masquerading as a newspaper, chiefly renowned for its Page 3 topless girly pictures.
Quote from: Hertsblue on 02 February 2015, 09:17:19 AM
For the benefit of our overseas members, the Sun is a scandal-sheet or adult comic masquerading as a newspaper, chiefly renowned for its Page 3 topless girly pictures.
But they have stopped those......havn't they ?????
IanS
Yes, which probably accounts for the 50% slump in circulation figures.
They should print page 3 in Braille: that would help circulation!
Quote from: getagrip on 02 February 2015, 09:56:41 AM
They should print page 3 in Braille: that would help circulation!
;D ;D =D>
Mine too, possibly. :D
Quote from: FierceKitty on 02 February 2015, 01:08:34 AM
Can fans of that paper actually read?
I thought the official definition of "Oxymoron" was "Sun reader"! ;)
Mollinary
Haven't seen a copy in years - but thats a local thing.
IanS
Quote from: mollinary on 04 February 2015, 06:56:03 PM
I thought the official definition of "Oxymoron" was "Sun reader"! ;)
Mollinary
I object to the use of the word "reader" in that statement.
I believe that if you take the number of letters in the papers name and multiply it by 10 you get the average IQ if those that purchase said paper. :D
Actually it might have been multiply by 5 :d
No 0....
IanS
Quote from: Just a few Orcs on 06 February 2015, 12:08:21 AM
I object to the use of the word "reader" in that statement.
I believe that if you take the number of letters in the papers name and multiply it by 10 you get the average IQ if those that purchase said paper. :D
Actually it might have been multiply by 5 :d
I wonder if
they remember their apostrophes while having a go at others' mental powers.
MEEOWWWW.
IanS
Apparently it's aimed at a reading age of 10. I liked the workie's comment that now there would no longer be any tits in it he would no longer buy it as the rest of it was boring. Two days later tits were reinstated. The power of the public eh!
Quote from: Leman on 06 February 2015, 11:34:49 AM
Apparently it's aimed at a reading age of 10. I liked the workie's comment that now there would no longer be any tits in it he would no longer buy it as the rest of it was boring. Two days later tits were reinstated. The power of the public eh!
Good marketing has to keep abreast of demand.
I don't wear a coat, heee heee heee....
They realised they made a bit of a boob :D
My coat's with Kitty's :D
Quote from: FierceKitty on 06 February 2015, 12:11:28 PM
I don't wear a coat, heee heee heee....
We'll get Nobby to dribble directly onto you, then.
Cheers - Phil
Since that damn'd kat is back on apostrophes i should point out that Radio 4 has a series of 15 minute presentations lasting 2 weeks on the subject, and far better linguists than the said feline couldn't sort it out.
IanS
And how would you know?
Quote from: Techno on 06 February 2015, 12:19:24 PM
We'll get Nobby to dribble directly onto you, then.
Cheers - Phil
Can I negotiate a surrender?
Quote from: Techno on 06 February 2015, 12:19:24 PM
We'll get Nobby to dribble directly onto you, then.
Cheers - Phil
It's a public service; he's got to do it somewhere; take one for the team Kitty ;)
Oh those cunning linguists!
I know I'm out on a limb here, but is that a cow on the next branch?
If it is I'd get out from under! :o
Udderwise you could be in trouble.
You've gone and dung it now!
It must be very cold - it's Friesian.
Put on a Jersey.
COATS !
The lot of you !
Cheers - Chief Cloakroom Attendant. (As if I didn't have enough to do !.....If I disappear for a while.....I'm playing with the chainsaw this afto'.......Under strict supervision, natch !)
Quote from: Techno on 08 February 2015, 12:41:01 PM
COATS !
The lot of you !
Cheers - Chief Cloakroom Attendant. (As if I didn't have enough to do !.....If I disappear for a while.....I'm playing with the chainsaw this afto'.......Under strict supervision, natch !)
(http://img.fark.net/images/cache/Q/QS/fark_QS1P2ab4ESgB2Ya3njVzwymP9AU.gif?t=j-kf2FnBWDXXaupkBpO_8Q&f=1423458000)
Sir! Sir!
It's so unfair! I only added one pun and then Sir called "Coats", and it was only one pun and it was such a good one and I hadn't horned in on the cow puns at all Sir, and don't feel that I should be creamed with the others, Sir, 'cos they all milked the cow puns and I didn't, even though I had some off pat. I bin very good Sir, and don't see why I should be leathered with the others Sir, 'cos when they started I hoofed it into a hide, that's not a tail, Sir!
He gets worse doesn't he? :-\
Who, me......Or Nobby ?
You can both have a detention.
Nobby, for whining without permission.....And Gareth for.....I'll think of something in a minute !
Cheers - Phil (Time to go and find the chain-saw's instruction manual !)
Quote from: Techno on 08 February 2015, 12:59:35 PM
Who, me......Or Nobby ?
You can both have a detention.
Nobby, for whining without permission.....And Gareth for.....I'll think of something in a minute !
Cheers - Phil (Time to go and find the chain-saw's instruction manual !)
Aaaawwww Sir!!!!!! He started it and everything :'(
Did not! >:(
Quote from: Techno on 08 February 2015, 12:59:35 PM
Who, me......Or Nobby ?
You can both have a detention.
Nobby, for whining without permission.....And Gareth for.....I'll think of something in a minute !
Cheers - Phil (Time to go and find the chain-saw's instruction manual !)
Treasure this post by Techno guys as I reckon if hes up to his usual standard it could be his last ever here on he forum cos after 5 minutes with a chainsaw I reckon he will lose any ability he ever had for typing :P
Quote from: Fenton on 08 February 2015, 01:06:20 PM
Treasure this post by Techno guys as I reckon if hes up to his usual standard it could be his last ever here on he forum cos after 5 minutes with a chainsaw I reckon he will lose any ability he ever had for typing :P
There go the Aztecs :D
Detention! Aw! Sir!
Not fair. I've been picked on. By a bully. I feel I have a genuine beef. I shouldn't get detention, and I don't see why I should mince my words.
Quote from: fsn on 08 February 2015, 01:23:58 PM
Detention! Aw! Sir!
Not fair. I've been picked on. By a bully. I feel I have a genuine beef. I shouldn't get detention, and I don't see why I should mince my words.
Don't stew on it!
Cows don't have hooves. Top of biology class, well done! Merit!
Quote from: Fenton on 08 February 2015, 01:06:20 PM
Treasure this post by Techno guys as I reckon if hes up to his usual standard it could be his last ever here on he forum cos after 5 minutes with a chainsaw I reckon he will lose any ability he ever had for typing :P
I
hope you'll be pleased to hear, that although I managed to actually start the expletive deleted appliance.... the 'chain' itself wouldn't turn at the speed it's supposed to.
The simply appalling temptation to pull at the slowly rotating saw, and make it run properly, by freeing it, was genuinely almost too much to bear.
The fact that Mrs T was standing close by, and came out with "I
KNOW what you're thinking...
.DON'T YOU BLOODY DARE !!".....Probably saved some fingers. :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[
Cheers - Philbo of the (still) ten fingers.
Please pass on all our thanks to Mrs T #:-S
Quote from: Techno on 08 February 2015, 07:00:02 PM
I hope you'll be pleased to hear, that although I managed to actually start the expletive deleted appliance.... the 'chain' itself wouldn't turn at the speed it's supposed to.
The simply appalling temptation to pull at the slowly rotating saw, and make it run properly, by freeing it, was genuinely almost too much to bear.
The fact that Mrs T was standing close by, and came out with "I KNOW what you're thinking....DON'T YOU BLOODY DARE !!".....Probably saved some fingers. :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[
Cheers - Philbo of the (still) ten fingers.
Well done Mrs T indeed ;)
If you think that temptation was strong try Googling the guy who scratched his nose with an electric drill!
I won't post here (for obvious reasons) but it deserves a Darwin Award honourable mention (didn't quite finish himself off but a bloody good go).
If your praising a cow in a tree, do you get a pat on the head?
Quote from: mad lemmey on 08 February 2015, 08:10:19 PM
If your praising a cow in a tree, do you get a pat on the head?
Been there, dung that!
I think you're all beginning to milk this. :D
Quote from: getagrip on 08 February 2015, 07:44:56 PM
If you think that temptation was strong try Googling the guy who scratched his nose with an electric drill!
:-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[........Last Summer, Mrs T and I were repairing one of the sheds in the garden.....(Truth be told, Mrs t was doing the
vast majority of this....I just got to do the bits where a ladder, or steps had to be used.)
Having drilled some holes in the wood, whist up said ladder....I handed the drill down to my better half....And whoops !!..... pulled the trigger.
The tip of the bit grabbed hold of Mrs T's sweatshirt and gave the sweatshirt a very nice 'twirl'.
Having recovered from the shock of nearly drilling into Mrs T's chest, I offered to switch the drill into reverse, to free the bit.
Mrs T's language was MOST unladylike.
Cheers - Phil
Quote from: Techno on 09 February 2015, 07:50:42 AM
:-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[........Last Summer, Mrs T and I were repairing one of the sheds in the garden.....(Truth be told, Mrs t was doing the vast majority of this....I just got to do the bits where a ladder, or steps had to be used.)
Having drilled some holes in the wood, whist up said ladder....I handed the drill down to my better half....And whoops !!..... pulled the trigger.
The tip of the bit grabbed hold of Mrs T's sweatshirt and gave the sweatshirt a very nice 'twirl'.
Having recovered from the shock of nearly drilling into Mrs T's chest, I offered to switch the drill into reverse, to free the bit.
Mrs T's language was MOST unladylike.
Cheers - Phil
And she lets you loose on a chainsaw :o
Quote from: getagrip on 09 February 2015, 07:52:38 AM
And she lets you loose on a chainsaw :o
Definitely a "stand well back" situation. :o
Quote from: Hertsblue on 09 February 2015, 09:00:20 AM
Definitely a "stand well back" situation. :o
Yeah, Scotland should just about do it :D
We've got to use it for something
Quote from: getagrip on 09 February 2015, 07:52:38 AM
And she lets you loose on a chainsaw :o
Only under very strict adult supervision.
I'm not even allowed to l
ook at the chop-saw....Let alone use it.
Cheers - Phil
Quote from: Techno on 09 February 2015, 09:55:32 AM
Only under very strict adult supervision.
I'm not even allowed to look at the chop-saw....Let alone use it.
Cheers - Phil
So all your sculpting will now be done with tools with big soft rubber tips and having to wear safety goggles?
"Chop-saw" would appear to be a contradiction in terms.
Quote from: getagrip on 09 February 2015, 09:09:50 AM
Yeah, Scotland should just about do it :D
You are all welcome. >:<
except getagrip ... who is cheeky and "must get on his knees and beg forgiveness" (Braveheart)
Quote from: Hertsblue on 09 February 2015, 10:06:57 AM
"Chop-saw" would appear to be a contradiction in terms.
What's the Polish equivalent of a battle-axe?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A War-saw.
(Is this is a pioneering crossover episode post for this forum?)
A former work colleague suggested we use the theme for Mission Impossible for our phones when we placed a customer on 'hold.' What a great idea! Picture the scene.
[phone rings]
"Hello, Acme Insurance."
Memee memee meemee meminimmee?
"Yes"
Meemee yaka yaka meemeenay moo
"A cow, you say."
yay
"Mmmm"
Moomoo uppa yaka yaka patonhed
"In a tree."
Yakayakayakawheraryoomoomoo
"Moo .. erm, I mean, mmmm"
meemee minimee yikes moooooo thud?
"You want insurance in case it falls out of the tree .."
"Mmmm"
"Tricky."
"Could you hold whilst I speak to one of our underwriters?"
yay
"Thank you."
Da..da ... daarra .... da..da .. darra .. da..da ... darra .. da..da ... da ra ..
[sometime later] "Hello. Yes, we can do it! Name? Daisy ..."
Another happy customer.
[Da..da ... daarra .... da..da .. darra .. da..da ... darra .. da..da ... da ..]
I thank you. <)
Quote from: FierceKitty on 09 February 2015, 11:43:54 AM
What's the Polish equivalent of a battle-axe?
.
.
A War-saw.
;D =D>
Would you like some of my green pills with the purple spots? I think your need may be greater than mine.
:P
They taste of a bank holiday in Dudley - FSN
Quote from: fsn on 09 February 2015, 01:12:54 PM
They taste of a bank holiday in Dudley - FSN
Do you have to take Moore of them?
Quote from: Westmarcher on 09 February 2015, 11:42:59 AM
You are all welcome. >:<
except getagrip ... who is cheeky and "must get on his knees and beg forgiveness" (Braveheart)
Did William Wallace have acne?...He was always telling the English they couldn't have his Freederm :-\
Quote from: fsn on 09 February 2015, 01:12:54 PM
Would you like some of my green pills with the purple spots? I think your need may be greater than mine.
:P
They taste of a bank holiday in Dudley - FSN
I think you've got some
serious competition in the sanity stakes... :D
Chop-saw? Is that like a shipwright's screwdriver?
(http://nobacks.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Hammer-8-500x277.png)
Quote from: getagrip on 09 February 2015, 02:20:20 PM
Did William Wallace have acne?...He was always telling the English they couldn't have his Freederm :-\
;D ;D
I think he sent Vagisil instead because in those days,
in his mind, the English were a bunch of irritating fa
*censored* ....... (apparently).
;D =O :-[
Oh, s*&*! Am I in big trouble now? Please. I'm not a bad boy. The devil made me do it!
Quote from: Westmarcher on 09 February 2015, 08:37:31 PM
Am I in big trouble now? Please. I'm not a bad boy. The devil made me do it!
That's what they all say !
Apart from those who blame their medication. ;)
Cheers - Phil
Horses. Unlike cows, they haven't quite got the hang* of it (yet).
http://www.lawyersgunsmoneyblog.com/2014/02/dead-horses-in-american-history-i (http://www.lawyersgunsmoneyblog.com/2014/02/dead-horses-in-american-history-i)
* no pun intended!
This guy has a "collection" of dead horse images :o
Seriously :o :o :o
Yes. I know. Weird. :-S
Quote from: getagrip on 23 March 2015, 08:55:13 AM
This guy has a "collection" of dead horse images :o
Seriously :o :o :o
A collection of one, by the look of it.
Quote from: Hertsblue on 23 March 2015, 09:43:55 AM
A collection of one, by the look of it.
The way he worded it I think he's going to be posting them over the next few days / weeks :o
Tune in next week for more dead horses!!! :o :o :o
Just: :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
Its a year old. If you scroll down and go to the archived stuff on the right hand column, you'll see some more under "February 2014." :o
(Gawd, I'm sounding weird now. :-[ )
(although I should probably qualify it by saying, "Nothing to see, now. Move along folks." (:| )
Quote from: Westmarcher on 23 March 2015, 09:50:59 AM
(Gawd, I'm sounding weird now. :-[ )
Well...I had to check it actually wasn't you :-[ ;D
Ten cows were in a field. Which one was closest to Iraq?
.... coo 8.
What do you call cows with a sense of humour? :-\
...... laughing stock.
A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
Dearie, dearie me.... ;D ;D ;D ;D
Cheers - Phil
Love it!