Jokes

Started by Orcs, 21 October 2019, 11:42:07 AM

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Ithoriel

If herds of cows are raised by cowherders why aren't flocks of sheep raised by sheepflockers?
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

d_Guy

X_X  =O

Actually, your long post was waaaay better than the course I had in Political Economics and more understandable
Sleep with clean hands ...

Raider4

I got a bollocking at work once for daring to put a sign on my desk:

If a tidy desk is the sign of a tidy mind,
what does an empty desk signify?

Yes, this was after some numpty in management had been on a course, and had come back and tried to implement a clean-desk policy.

Orcs

The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Ithoriel

The signs where I worked tended to be

"The beatings will continue until morale improves"
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Lord Kermit of Birkenhead

I knew education in Scotland was somewhat backward  :d
FOG IN CHANNEL - EUROPE CUT OFF
Lord Kermit of Birkenhead
Muppet of the year 2019, 2020 and 2021

Phil2

I'm still watching you all, to help Sir  :P

But you haven't sussed that.....yet.  :D

The artist formally known as Techno.


Ithoriel

QuoteI knew education in Scotland was somewhat backward  :d

It was a company based in and run from England. :P

Also, I've experienced both English and Scottish education and infinitely preferred the latter. What's your qualification for comment? :)
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Lord Kermit of Birkenhead

Quote from: Phil2 on 15 January 2022, 04:23:03 PMI'm still watching you all, to help Sir  :P

But you haven't sussed that.....yet.  :D

The artist formally known as Techno.



Nice to see you back !
FOG IN CHANNEL - EUROPE CUT OFF
Lord Kermit of Birkenhead
Muppet of the year 2019, 2020 and 2021

Ithoriel

Filched from Reddit

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife.

My girlfriend was really upset last week, her dog that she'd had for 12 years died :(
To cheer her up, i bought her an identical one.
She yelled,"You idiot, what am i going to do with two dead dogs?!"

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Give him a fishing rod and he'll steal your car keys from your hall table.

Two birds sitting on a perch, one says to the other, "I can smell fish."

I got offered 8 legs of venison for £40 in the pub last night. Is that 2 dear?

Two elephants fall off a cliff.
BOOM BOOM!


There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Duke Speedy of Leighton

Two fish in a tank, one says:
"How do we drive this thing?"
You may refer to me as: Your Grace, Duke Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

Last Hussar

My therapist says I'm paranoid.

Well, he doesn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
I have neither the time or the crayons to explain why you are wrong.

GNU PTerry

Orcs

Quote from: Last Hussar on 26 January 2022, 05:55:33 PMMy therapist says I'm paranoid.

Well, he doesn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

Well you know what they say, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you"
The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson

mmcv

Might have been shared before but I just came across it...

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the voice shouts defiantly: "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!"

The general sends a hundred men to remove the nuisance, there is a racket of gunfire, and then quiet.

The voice crys out loudly once more: "One Finnish soldier is better than a *thousand* Soviet soldiers!"

Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys:

"It's a trap! There are *two* Finnish soldiers!!"

Ithoriel

:) :) :) :)

The version I know has Edward I leading his army into Scotland when a voice comes out of the mist.
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data