Jokes

[ronan]

 

[Techno]

 

Cheers - Phil

[Ithoriel]

King Auric the Golden not only had a very rich kingdom and an incredibly beautiful daughter but also had a problem with a dragon which plundered parts of the kingdom from time to time.

Realising that he was dying and keen to secure the future of daughter and kingdom both he announced that whomsoever could slay the dragon would be named his heir and marry the princess. What the princess thought of this is not recorded.

Would-be heirs and husbands gathered aplenty and each announced themselves to the crowd before entering the dragons lair ....

An incredibly stylish young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the troubadour Rolande de Provence and I do this for love!" He entered the lair but within moments the dragon had swallowed him in a single bite.

Next an incredibly pious young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the Paladin Manuel of Aragon and I do this for my god!" He entered the lair but in only a few more moments than it had taken with the troubadour the dragon had also swallowed him in a single bite.

Following the paladin an incredibly handsome young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the hero Gottfried of Hamburg and I do this for glory!" He entered the lair but like the others before him the dragon gobbled him up in a single bite.

Next up was a red-haired young man in a kilt,"A'm Gregor MacGregor o' the clan MacGregor an' ahm dain' this cuz ahm skint and need the money" Striding towards the lair, claymore and targe in hand he started to shuck off his shirt. For the next hour or more the sound of battle resounds from the beasts lair, then, all goes quiet. Then. Chop! Chop! Chop!! And the sounds of something heavy being dragged.

Gregor emerges from the cave, dragging the dragon's enormous head behind him, shoogling his shirt back into place.

Amazed, Auric stammers out a "well done" before demanding,"Why on earth didn't the thing swallow you whole like the others?

"Ah!," says canny Gregor,"A had this tattooed oan ma chest."

He pulls his shirt back off once more to reveal the words,"Glasgow Rangers Best Football Team in the World!"

"No even a dragon wid swallae that!!"



Pass me my coat once you've finished chewing it fsn

[fsn]

Coming from a long line of Celtic fans, I think the story is eminently believable.

[Techno]

Gimme strength..... But it made me laugh. 

Cheers - Phil

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

Top laugh! 

[Orcs]

 

[Ithoriel]

Filched from Reddit

Q: What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

A: One does not simply walk into Mordor

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

 

[steve_holmes_11]

If we are going there:

    Two Donald Trump supporters die and go to heaven.

    God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, "Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?"

    God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232."

    After a few seconds of stunned silence one guy turns to the other and whispers, "This goes higher up than we thought."

[Westmarcher]

 

[Heedless Horseman]

A nurse walks into a bank , totally exhausted, after an 18 hour shift.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a Rectal Thermometer out of  her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says,
"Well, that's just great... some asshole's got my pen."

(Pinched from fb )

[Orcs]

 

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

A nurse walks into a bank , totally exhausted, after an 18 hour shift.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a Rectal Thermometer out of  her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says,
"Well, that's just great... some asshole's got my pen."

(Pinched from fb )

Lest's keep it tasteful 

[Techno II]

That's a very old variation...of a very old joke

I think we should keep Covid 'jokes' as FAR away from the forum as possible
It will be far too painful for a lot of folks.

Phil .

[steve_holmes_11]

A nurse walks into a bank , totally exhausted, after an 18 hour shift.
She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a Rectal Thermometer out of  her purse, and tries to write with it.
When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says,
"Well, that's just great... some asshole's got my pen."

(Pinched from fb )

Maaaaa-tron!!

[Ithoriel]

Thought I'd posted this a day or three ago but apparently not.

What is the difference between a stoned Highland Cow and a small Japanese poem?


One's a high coo, the other's a haiku

[Big Insect]

Supplied by my younger brother (aged physically 59 but in spirit he's still only 6!)

How do you sex an ant?
Throw them in water
If it sinks it is girl ant
If it floats it is boyant

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

PHIL - ban Mark for that one. 

[Techno II]

Nah....We'll just ask Nobby to chew Mark's coat.

Cheers - Phil.