Jokes

[Raider4]

What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do at night? He lies awake wondering if there really is a dog.

An amnesiac walks into a bar. "Do I come here often?"

[Techno]

There IS a dog.....He's a youngster called Seamus...And he's just ripped one of the veins in my arm to b*ggery......He didn't mean it....The oik.

Blood, spurt, murder.

At least I didn't do it to myself....... for once.

Cheers - Phil

[fsn]

That's not funny Techno.

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

A and E Now phil....

[Techno]

No...A lot of kitchen towel..(now red)..and a nice really big plaster seems to have done the trick.....At least my blood clots quickly...Probably 'cos it's had so much practice.

I wouldn't want to go anywhere near ANY hospital at this time.

Cheers - Phil

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Tetanus !!!

[O Dinas Powys]

Tetanus !!!

Yeah!

Now's the perfect time to go to A&E - I was in and out in less than an hour when I burnt my hand last month - it was virtually empty!

Seriously, don't not go just because of the virus: they'll be keeping the Covid and non-Covid streams totally isolated from each other AND being super careful, constantly deep-cleaning, etc!

[ronan]

Seriously, don't not go just because of the virus: they'll be keeping the Covid and non-Covid streams totally isolated from each other AND being super careful, constantly deep-cleaning, etc!

I agree
I had to go for some medical exams, and it was  OK here in France : they were very cautious. It will be the same for you

And Tetanus is a very, VERY bad thing !  ( a friend of mine saw someone dying because of this.. )

[Techno]

I'm up to date on Tetanus jabs. 

(Probably practically immune, thanks to the amount of dirt that's got into my bloodstream over the years.)

Cheers - Phil

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

It occurs that we might want Phil to get Tetanus - it will keep him quiet - lock jaw 

[FierceKitty]

I rather like Welsh accents, look you.

[Orcs]

It occurs that we might want Phil to get Tetanus - it will keep him quiet - lock jaw 

Slight problem - He uses his fingers to talk on here

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

I got a big 'ammer 

[FierceKitty]

Just lend it to him. 

[OldenBUA]

Just lend it to him. 

I'm afraid that will just force Leon to introduce a new range of 'flats'.

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Pun on radio 4

It's not the sea, its a whaleway, and ports are whaleway station. 

[O Dinas Powys]

Pun on radio 4

It's not the sea, its a whaleway, and ports are whaleway station.  

Also from R4 - modified from More or Less - one for the statistically minded amongst us:

When examining a data set you don't just have to consider what it means...



Its modes and medians are also important  

[fsn]

Well played sir, well played!

I'm putting that in my very small portfolio of quotes about statistics. 

[Last Hussar]

An Englishman, a Frenchmen, a young woman, and an old lady, are sitting together on a train when it goes through a tunnel and it goes dark. A loud slap is heard, and then the Frenchman is rubbing his face.

The old lady thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the young woman, and she slapped him'

The young woman thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the old lady thinking it was me, and she slapped him'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet the Englishman tried to touch the young woman, and she thought it was me'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap him again'

****

A woman walked into the dentist very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than have my teeth checked."
"Fine with me," said the dentist, "But I'll have to adjust the chair."

[FierceKitty]