Clever Jokes

[Orcs]

You have to think about these.

Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: "No, I'm travelling light."

2. "Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: "Hello, I'd like a beer." The barman replies: "Hello, you'd like a beer?" "Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer."

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: "Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?" The electron goes: "Oh great, now I'm lost."

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!"

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: "Make me one with everything".

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?" The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting  next to him. Excited, he asks:  "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies: "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says: "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

19. A Roman walks into a bar,  holds up two fingers, and says:  "Five beers, please."

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What'll it be, boys?" The first mathematician: "I'll have one half of a beer." The second mathematician: "I'll have one quarter of a beer." The third mathematician: "I'll have one eight of a beer." The fourth mathematician: "I'll have one sixteenth of a..." The bartender interrupts: "Know your limits, boys" as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the "B" in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies: "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

25. A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

[FierceKitty]

Setting a dangerous precedent. Several of those are rather clever!

[Techno]

Those are rather good !
There are a couple I'll have to come back to, though....
(What is a TCP packet ?)
Cheers - Phil

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Likewise - far as I know TCP is in bottles.

IanS

[Last Hussar]

A Roman walks into a bar and says 'A Martinus, please.'
The Barman says, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
The Roman says "No, I only want one."

How many members of a subset of society does it take to change a lightbulb?
N+1.  1 to change the bulb, and N to act in a stereotypical manner.

[Ithoriel]

Very good, even the ones I've seen before made me chuckle.

I'll chuck in another couple:

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a Museum of Modern Art?

Two.

One to change the bulb and one to say "My four year old could do better than that!"

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How many nymphomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Don't be ridiculous, there's not room for even one nymphomaniac in a light bulb!

[FierceKitty]

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One to change the bulb, and at least one to object to the infinitive used in the first line of this joke.

[Orcs]

Those are rather good !
There are a couple I'll have to come back to, though....
(What is a TCP packet ?)
Cheers - Phil

TCP stands for Transmission Control Protocol.  It is a communication protocol that is very reliable due to its error checking and confirmation. Consequentlya large proportion of data traffic uses this protocol.   It chops up the data being transmitted into a manageable size  and puts them in a "packet" and sends it to the destination.  The way it error checks is the root of the joke .

[Orcs]

Setting a dangerous precedent. Several of those are rather clever!

No I will be back to my more dubious ones soon enough. Clever ones like this are hard to find.

[Hertsblue]

I'm not sure whether I laughed at the clever ones or the not-so clever ones.

Oh, and TCP is dangerously specialised for those of us who only know how to switch the damn thing on. 

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Not to certain Phil can even manage that......

IanS

[Techno]

A switch ?.....Sounds a bit technical to me.
(Thanks, Mark !)
Cheers - Phil

[Fenton]

A switch ?.....Sounds a bit technical to me.
(Thanks, Mark !)
Cheers - Phil

Is that because you would have embedded a screwdriver into your hand by the time you got to the end of the joke?

[Steve J]

Very clever and got 23 of them. The TCP one threw me until someone clarified it, as I too thought of the throat pastilles .

[Techno]

Is that because you would have embedded a screwdriver into your hand by the time you got to the end of the joke?

Knowing me.....Probably !
Cheers - Phil