Jokes

Started by Orcs, 21 October 2019, 11:42:07 AM

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pierre the shy

A man is walking along the beach on the South Coast of Wellington when he trips over something half buried in the sand at the high water mark. It's a very fancy dark green bottle which he can't see into so he pulls the stopper out and peers inside, then drops it as a white cloud emerges from the bottle and transforms into a fierce looking Genie.

"Thank you for releasing me I have been in there for many millienia" says the Genie greatfully "I will grant you 3 wishes accordingly.....think quickly or I will change my mind!!"

The man looks stunned for a moment, but thinks fast "I want to be very rich"

With a flick of his wrist the Genie dismissively says "It is done". The man pulls out his phone and checks his bank balance - its now well into the millions!

"What next??" the Genie demands

"I always wanted a red Lamborgine Contache"

With a flick of his wrist the Genie dismissively says again "It is done". The man looks up beach and sure enough where his car was parked a red Contache appears!

"What next??" the Genie demands "think carefully - this is your last wish"

"Errr....ummm.....well I've always wanted to be able to drive from the North Island to the South Island....."

"What? Cook Strait is very wide you know, think of how much steel and concrete it would take to construct something that big....even my magic has its limits, can't you think of something else?"

"Well OK. I've always wanted to understand women, you know, how do their minds REALLY work".

The Genie looks at him thoughtfully for a long time then asks "Do you want two lanes or four?"

   
 

 
Though much is taken, much abides; and though
we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are.

Ithoriel

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

To understand women remember this

"Women may have many faults
But men have only two
Everything they say
And everything they do!" :)
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

paulr

You forgot the third, everything they don't do ~X(
Lord Lensman of Wellington
2018 Painting Competition - Runner-Up!
2022 Painting Competition - Runner-Up!
2023 Painting Competition - Runner-Up!

Ithoriel

Why is a Scottish cow off it's face on drugs like a brief oriental poem?

One's a high coo, the other is a haiku
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Raider4

I had a Racing Snail once.

Removed his shell to improve the aerodynamics.

Now he's become a bit sluggish.

FierceKitty

Women are made to be loved, not understood.
I don't drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee.

Last Hussar

Quote from: Raider4 on 29 September 2023, 07:58:10 AMI had a Racing Snail once.

Removed his shell to improve the aerodynamics.

Now he's become a bit sluggish.
:-w
I have neither the time or the crayons to explain why you are wrong.

GNU PTerry

Raider4

It's that time of the year again:

Clocks.jpg

fsn

Cooker. Switch it off at the mains. Switch it on again at midnight.
Lord Oik of Runcorn (You may refer to me as Milord Oik)

Oik of the Year 2013, 2014; Prize for originality and 'having a go, bless him', 2015
3 votes in the 2016 Painting Competition!; 2017-2019 The Wilderness years
Oik of the Year 2020; 7 votes in the 2021 Painting Competition
11 votes in the 2022 Painting Competition (Double figures!)
2023 - the year of Gerald:
2024 Painting Competition - Runner-Up!

Raider4


Duke Speedy of Leighton

Half of that is factual, the other is hilarious
You may refer to me as: Your Grace, Duke Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

Last Hussar

Always love a bit of xkcd
I have neither the time or the crayons to explain why you are wrong.

GNU PTerry

Raider4


QuoteAlways love a bit of xkcd
Aye. My personal favourite:



Last Hussar

I have neither the time or the crayons to explain why you are wrong.

GNU PTerry

Ithoriel

... and who has the magic armour and weapon? The best fighter? No, of course not, it's some peace loving hippie with a penchant for fancy jewellery who thinks he's on a mission to save the world! :)
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data