I knew education in Scotland was somewhat backward 

I'm still watching you all, to help Sir 

But you haven't sussed that.....yet. 

The artist formally known as Techno.

QuoteI knew education in Scotland was somewhat backward 

It was a company based in and run from England.

Also, I've experienced both English and Scottish education and infinitely preferred the latter. What's your qualification for comment?

Quote from: Phil2 on 15 January 2022, 04:23:03 PMI'm still watching you all, to help Sir 

But you haven't sussed that.....yet. 

The artist formally known as Techno.

Nice to see you back !

Filched from Reddit

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife.

My girlfriend was really upset last week, her dog that she'd had for 12 years died
To cheer her up, i bought her an identical one.
She yelled,"You idiot, what am i going to do with two dead dogs?!"

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Give him a fishing rod and he'll steal your car keys from your hall table.

Two birds sitting on a perch, one says to the other, "I can smell fish."

I got offered 8 legs of venison for £40 in the pub last night. Is that 2 dear?

Two elephants fall off a cliff.
BOOM BOOM!

Two fish in a tank, one says:
"How do we drive this thing?"

My therapist says I'm paranoid.

Well, he doesn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

Quote from: Last Hussar on 26 January 2022, 05:55:33 PMMy therapist says I'm paranoid.

Well, he doesn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

Well you know what they say, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you"

Might have been shared before but I just came across it...

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the voice shouts defiantly: "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!"

The general sends a hundred men to remove the nuisance, there is a racket of gunfire, and then quiet.

The voice crys out loudly once more: "One Finnish soldier is better than a *thousand* Soviet soldiers!"

Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys:

"It's a trap! There are *two* Finnish soldiers!!"

The version I know has Edward I leading his army into Scotland when a voice comes out of the mist.

A man is walking along the beach on the South Coast of Wellington when he trips over something half buried in the sand at the high water mark. It's a very fancy dark green bottle which he can't see into so he pulls the stopper out and peers inside, then drops it as a white cloud emerges from the bottle and transforms into a fierce looking Genie.

"Thank you for releasing me I have been in there for many millienia" says the Genie greatfully "I will grant you 3 wishes accordingly.....think quickly or I will change my mind!!"

The man looks stunned for a moment, but thinks fast "I want to be very rich"

With a flick of his wrist the Genie dismissively says "It is done". The man pulls out his phone and checks his bank balance - its now well into the millions!

"What next??" the Genie demands

"I always wanted a red Lamborgine Contache"

With a flick of his wrist the Genie dismissively says again "It is done". The man looks up beach and sure enough where his car was parked a red Contache appears!

"What next??" the Genie demands "think carefully - this is your last wish"

"Errr....ummm.....well I've always wanted to be able to drive from the North Island to the South Island....."

"What? Cook Strait is very wide you know, think of how much steel and concrete it would take to construct something that big....even my magic has its limits, can't you think of something else?"

"Well OK. I've always wanted to understand women, you know, how do their minds REALLY work".

The Genie looks at him thoughtfully for a long time then asks "Do you want two lanes or four?"

   
 

 

To understand women remember this

"Women may have many faults
But men have only two
Everything they say
And everything they do!"

You forgot the third, everything they don't do

Why is a Scottish cow off it's face on drugs like a brief oriental poem?

One's a high coo, the other is a haiku

I had a Racing Snail once.

Removed his shell to improve the aerodynamics.

Now he's become a bit sluggish.

Women are made to be loved, not understood.

Quote from: Raider4 on 29 September 2023, 06:58:10 AMI had a Racing Snail once.

Removed his shell to improve the aerodynamics.

Now he's become a bit sluggish.

It's that time of the year again:

Cooker. Switch it off at the mains. Switch it on again at midnight.

Map Age Guide:


(from xkcd)