Jokes

Started by Orcs, 21 October 2019, 11:42:07 AM

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Orcs

21 October 2019, 11:42:07 AM Last Edit: 21 October 2019, 12:22:04 PM by Orcs
Sunjester sent me some jokes, but out of the 13 jokes these are all I can post here.

The others were much better, but so un PC even I am censoring them.  :D

Due to a water shortage Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screwfix Direct Thanking me for my interest , but explaining they were not a dating agency.  ( For non-UK readers Screw Fix is a hardware supplier)

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's £2.50 a minute (charges may vary)

Just booked a table for Valentines day for me and the wife (yes FK I know it should be my wife and I). Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker

If you get an email telling you you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it - Its Spam.
The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson

FierceKitty

No, your version is considerably better than the alleged correction.
I don't drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee.

Techno

Nice ones, Mark.

I'll have to admit I had to think about one of them for a few seconds !  :-[

Cheers - Phil :)

Lord Kermit of Birkenhead

FOG IN CHANNEL - EUROPE CUT OFF
Lord Kermit of Birkenhead
Muppet of the year 2019, 2020 and 2021

mmcv

Quote from: FierceKitty on 21 October 2019, 12:09:57 PM
No, your version is considerably better than the alleged correction.

If would only be "my wife and I" if it was at the start of the statement, "me" is the correct usage here as far as I'm aware. Way I always remember it is if you take the other person out of the statement does it still make sense?

So just as you wouldn't say "me just booked a table" and " just booked a table for I" thus you shouldn't say "me and the wife booked a table" or "booked a table for the wife and I". Or so the grammar police say.

Me/myself are fairly interchangeable.

Duke Speedy of Leighton

Man walks into a pub with a screwdriver over his held "This is not a drill."
You may refer to me as: Your Grace, Duke Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

Duke Speedy of Leighton

When Phillips first invented the crossbar screwdriver, was it all 'torque'!
You may refer to me as: Your Grace, Duke Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

mollinary

Quote from: mad lemmey on 21 October 2019, 08:03:42 PM
When Phillips first invented the crossbar screwdriver, was it all 'torque'!

Who's been watching "Only Connect" then?  ;) ;)
2021 Painting Competition - Winner!
2022 Painting Competition - 2 x Runner-Up!

Duke Speedy of Leighton

You may refer to me as: Your Grace, Duke Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

Orcs

Quote from: mollinary on 21 October 2019, 09:34:01 PM
Who's been watching "Only Connect" then?  ;) ;)

There are a couple of reasons to watch "Only Connect", I wonder what they are ?  :d

The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson

fsn

She will always be Victoria Coren to me ... that two-bit so called comedian isn't good enough for her!   >:(
Lord Oik of Runcorn (You may refer to me as Milord Oik)

Oik of the Year 2013, 2014; Prize for originality and 'having a go, bless him', 2015
3 votes in the 2016 Painting Competition!; 2017-2019 The Wilderness years
Oik of the Year 2020; 7 votes in the 2021 Painting Competition
11 votes in the 2022 Painting Competition (Double figures!)
2023 - the year of Gerald:
2024 Painting Competition - Runner-Up!

Orcs

Quote from: fsn on 22 October 2019, 11:49:47 AM
She will always be Victoria Coren to me ... that two-bit so called comedian isn't good enough for her!   >:(

Just because you want to play with her puppies!!
The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson

fsn

Lord Oik of Runcorn (You may refer to me as Milord Oik)

Oik of the Year 2013, 2014; Prize for originality and 'having a go, bless him', 2015
3 votes in the 2016 Painting Competition!; 2017-2019 The Wilderness years
Oik of the Year 2020; 7 votes in the 2021 Painting Competition
11 votes in the 2022 Painting Competition (Double figures!)
2023 - the year of Gerald:
2024 Painting Competition - Runner-Up!

Raider4

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are on a road trip, when they're pulled over.
The police officer walks up and asks if they know how fast they're going.
Heisenberg replies "We do not, but we do know exactly where we are!"

The cop thinks "Ah, a smart-arse" and decides to search the vehicle.
He opens the boot and asks "Did you know you've got a dead cat in here?"
Schrodinger says, "Well, now we do . . ."

Techno

I like that one. :)

Cheers - Phil