You may have heard of some of the murders that have taken place at the bridge table: the woman who opened two clubs, and when her husband passed exclaimed "You rat!" and shot him; the woman who was dealt thirteen spades and in her excitement bid seven no trumps, upon which her husband shot her. In such cases, if you are a bridge player, you will certainly agree that the action was arguably euthanasia, if not eugenics; at the least, one could plead unbearable provocation in court.
  So what offenses at the wargames table justify shooting i) a partner; ii) an opponent; and iii) a spectator?
  My list:
i) the partner who "supports" your wing by going into a passive defensive position once you're committed;
ii) the opponent who surrenders the moment anything goes against him;
iii) the kibbitzer who picks up an element and relaces it in the wrong position or with the pikes bent.

1) Someone who dithers and doesn't follow a plan (sorry Going-a-Viking)
2) Opponent who throws dice/looses temper (have taken a long time to grow up and to stop doing it myself)
3) 'Ohhh that's pretty!' or 'You don't want want to be doing that...'

Rule lawyers, especially the ones who find a rule to prevent you doing something that they did twenty minutes before.
Whingers who complain constantly that they don't like or understand the rules you both agreed to play with, the lists aren't accurate because blah, blah.
Bad winners

Where's my gun?

Good point about whingers, Gandalf. I might have to rethink my list.

There are a couple more to add to mine:

Hangers on who never arrange anything themselves, insist in joining in on other people's games and then suck the enjoyment out of the experience by being a rule lawyer, whinger, bad winner or some other sort of complete tool.
Spectators who coach your opponent or take the p*ss when you're trying to teach someone a set of rules they're not familiar with.

Perhaps you shouldn't have started this thread mate.  It may lead to the deaths of several people in my local club. 

Bored teenages playing with the terrain......


IanS

And the ones who WON'T take the trouble to read the rules, then blame you when they make mistakes my cats wouldn't be guilty of.

Good thread  

1] "My game's better than your game" - well, feck off & play it then...

2] "You call those painted?" - yes, yes I do. What would you call them, moron?

3] "In real life, blah blah blah" - I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were *at* the siege of Jerusalem / Agincourt / Naseby / Gettysburg / The Somme...

4] Cheating - in every form as described above - do you do this to your wife as well?

5] Bad winners and losers - oh look, a more-than-passable impression of a 3 year-old

6] B-o-r-i-n-g players... - no, really: *do* something. I'm losing the will to live.

7] Gamers who put their drinks on my table. Feckers.

8] People who ask about your game - and then wander off while you're talking. Double feckers.

9] Gamers who never smile. Triple feckers.

10] Anyone who picks up my figures without asking. Quadruple feckers.

Quote from: nikharwood on 27 July 2011, 10:53:54 AM
Good thread 


2] "You call those painted?" - yes, yes I do. What would you call them, moron?

Unpainted figures - forgot that one.

IanS 

Apologies FK - I realise, in my grumpy-old-man-ness, that I have misinterpreted the task:

Quote from: FierceKitty on 27 July 2011, 05:36:44 AM
So what offenses at the wargames table justify shooting i) a partner; ii) an opponent; and iii) a spectator?

i) partner: I'm with you on yours: letting me take the risk & then stepping back...

ii) opponent: cheaters - those who will win at any cost & use as much smoke & mirrors to camouflage their cheating...

iii) spectator: either the picker-uppers, or the wanderers, or the make-snide-half-heard-comments-behind-hand-to-friend ones who then wander off if you try to engage them in the game

Excellent thread,

My greatest bile is reserved for 1 person at my club who's been coming for years, has never bought any figure, never bought any rules and turns up week after week and expects to join in someone elses game.  Trouble is he doesn't seem to notice when you drop hints like "no you can't borrow my figures for that competition, buy your own !£&%***!!! figures and rules.

But he did improve after I lifted him off the ground by his shirt collar and promised to thump him if he didn't stop annoying me - and I'm only a short bloke who never raises his voice but I suspect that if I had a gun I might have shot him, hopefuly only a bit.  I haven't been able to stop him saying things like "What you should have done was...."

Other than him I'm pretty easy going however people who buy rules then expect me to explain how they work and whos grasp of history is based on a "bit of in documentary I saw last week on telly" should have their own circle of hell reserved for them  .

How could I possibly forget the player who does something because "The rules don't say I can't do it" which boils down to rules lawyering at its worst.  For instance when WMA came out there was a fad for organising four units of skirmish infantry into an E formation and claiming that all the stands could shoot at the same target, the logic was that each unit wasn't breaking any of the shooting rules.  My "friend" who owns no figures is an expert at this.

Can we add the "God, they must have been crazy to wear such bright colours" know-it-all, and the hardcore racist who seriously attributes a white regiment's passing a morale test to the innate superiority of the caucasian stock, and a darker-hued regiment in the same circumstances to white officers/blind religious fanaticism/tyrannical leaders/blind stupidity/(fill in own late 1880s stereotype of choice).
Not just shooting for these; I think with a 17pdr at least.

Quote from: DanJ on 27 July 2011, 11:56:04 AM
Excellent thread,

My greatest bile is reserved for 1 person at my club who's been coming for years, has never bought any figure, never bought any rules and turns up week after week and expects to join in someone elses game.  Trouble is he doesn't seem to notice when you drop hints like "no you can't borrow my figures for that competition, buy your own !£&%***!!! figures and rules.

But he did improve after I lifted him off the ground by his shirt collar and promised to thump him if he didn't stop annoying me - and I'm only a short bloke who never raises his voice but I suspect that if I had a gun I might have shot him, hopefuly only a bit.  I haven't been able to stop him saying things like "What you should have done was...."

Wow! Andy yes (with B****head), but you? Never! 

QuoteWow! Andy yes (with B****head),

Yes, it was Andy, we'd just started a big weekend game and he started with the "why didn't you set it up this way comments".  The short answer was "because that's not historic" the full answer included a lot of bad words and a low level of violence.