Forum Soapbox

[Techno]

There are no gods, there are no demons, there are no ghosts, there are no goblins, there is one life and this is it so beloved let us love one another because this is the only sodding chance we'll get!
If your imaginary friend helps get you through the day that's great but your belief in them is not an excuse to be horrible to those who don't or to insist that others behave in a way you think your imaginary friend approves of!
And seriously, what is wrong with people who judge others based on the amount of melanin in their skin rather than on their words and deeds?
A country is NOT great just because YOU were born in it!!
Corrupt individuals are like weeds, always going to be there but that's no excuse not to get out the weed-wacker on a regular basis!
Politics should be a service not an occupation, the world will not seriously improve until politicians and their families are restricted to the mean income and forced to use only public services.
Corporations are not necessarily spawn of the devil but corporate group-think leads otherwise moral people to do incredibly wicked and/ or stupid things - weed-wacker time again!
Who on earth responds to telephone cold calls? Can we find out, round them up and lock them up for the good of the species? If no-one took up these offers the problem would stop almost overnight!
The message is more important than punctuation, the latter is there to serve the former not the other way round!
Smile and be happy ... it's worth it just to piss off the permanently grumpy
There, I think that covers the major stuff. Minor stuff as it occurs to me

Only wrong on one particular point, Ithoriel.

There ARE goblins !
Trust me.....I've made/converted enough of the wee chaps. 
Cheers - Phil 

[Leman]

You don't believe in goblins.........erm.

[Techno]

I know someone who does, though. 
Cheers - Phil

[DanJ]

I don't know about goblins but hobgoblins deffinately exist and keep giving me really bad headaches.

Web forums which don't have spell checkers.

DanJ. 'Fairy Tale of New York'?? Nah, the bloke has the singing voice of a stunned badger. Greg Lake for me.

People who disadgree with Me, I hates 'em my precious

Caravans

Wargamers who think a dozen 28mm figures with a couple of flags is a reasonable representation of a battalion.

Rules that thing 8" is a reasonable range for a pistol shot in a 28mm skirmish game (the bl00dy roads are wider and buildings taller than that)

People who think it's cute when their ratterdale or other small dog keeps trying to bite my hound, if I let the Mut act like that there would be a storm of complaint.

Caravaners who have small dogs

[Subedai]

The phrase 'Do you see what I am saying' What the heck is that nonsense? 'Can you hear what I am saying' is logical but how the hell are you supposed to 'see' peoples words?

People who use 'like' in nearly every sentence -another Americanism that unfortunately managed to leap the Atlantic.

People who make every sentence into a question because their voice goes up at the end.

Constant use of internet acronyms. try writing in whole words for a change!

[getagrip]

"I hear you..."

[DanJ]

People who start a sentence "I don't want to be funny but...."

And then are not at all funny, but are very rude.

[getagrip]

People who start a sentence "I don't want to be funny but...."

And then are not at all funny, but are very rude.

The twin of "no offence" when they are being highly offensive!

[Nosher]

Teenagers

People who dial 999 for an ambulance and have the temerity to tell you in a feature-length monologue that last a good twenty to thirty minutes without pausing for breath that "You took your time, blah, blah, blah."

And then are so Ill that they dont actually want to go to hospital and would prefer to be left at home with advice to actually try and make a doctors appointment for their life-threatening mystery illness that they have had for the past twenty years, which is the same today as it was last week and was two months ago and hasn't changed but they just wanted to be 'checked out' at 4am in the morning in the middle of nowhere fifty miles from civilisation.

I think I need an ambulance as I'm short of breath now! 

[Luddite]

People who say 'on a daily basis'.  Its lazy and redundant verbiage.    

People who say 'sexed up' about anything not involving sex.

People who say 'enormity' when they mean 'enormousness'.

[Bodvoc]

Ok...here goes...

I hate my neighbours 3 legged dog that barks at unearthly hours every night.

I hate people who push in ahead of me in queues.

I hate queueing (and I probably can't even spell it).

I hate drivers who see you coming but still pull out in front of you and then go really slow.

I hate crowds of noisy people

I hate skiing

I hate cold calls, the whole lot of em need shooting, who on earth thinks I want to do a survey as soon as I get home from work, morons the lot of em!

I hate skiing because it's always so crowded and full of noisy sweaty people.

I hate Eastenders because all they ever do is shout at each other, I've been married for over 20 years and my wife and I have never shouted at each other once. Eastenders is banned in our house.

I hate tomatoes, yeuk!

I hate Chelsea football club.

...but I love apple crumble and custard!

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

People who rant...

[Techno]

People who dial 999 for an ambulance and have the temerity to tell you in a feature-length monologue that last a good twenty to thirty minutes without pausing for breath that "You took your time, blah, blah, blah."

I'll bet I've made more 999 calls than the rest of the forum put together.
It WAS part of my duty in the exchange, where I worked, mumble, mumble years ago, to make sure the 999 circuits were working OK.

Typical call was "Emergency....Which service do you require ?"
"It's Phil, downstairs in TXE4 (That dates it !)...just testing."
"Thanks, Phil.....Click!"

[Subedai]

I'll bet I've made more 999 calls than the rest of the forum put together.
It WAS part of my duty in the exchange, where I worked, mumble, mumble years ago, to make sure the 999 circuits were working OK.

Typical call was "Emergency....Which service do you require ?"
"It's Phil, downstairs in TXE4 (That dates it !)...just testing."
"Thanks, Phil.....Click!"

Attention seeker! 

[Orcs]

Typical call was "Emergency....Which service do you require ?"
"It's Phil, downstairs in TXE4 (That dates it !)...just testing."
"Thanks, Phil.....Click!"

I used to program TXE4 exchanges,  and before anyone asks -  I AM NOWHERE NEAR AS OLD AS TECHNO!!!

[getagrip]

I used to program TXE4 exchanges,  and before anyone asks -  I AM NOWHERE NEAR AS OLD AS TECHNO!!!

Phil's going to love the way you worded that     

[Last Hussar]

The Pendraken painting competition.

[Techno]

Phil's going to love the way you worded that     

The thing is......I know how old Mark is,......and he knows how old I am.
And he's a young whippersnapper, as far as I'm concerned. 
Cheers - Phil

[getagrip]

The thing is......I know how old Mark is,......and he knows how old I am.
And he's a young whippersnapper, as far as I'm concerned. 
Cheers - Phil

So is Methusela 

[fsn]

Wasn't Techno the one who soldered the wires for that nice Mr Bell? It is well known that the first thing said over the telephone was Bell saying "come here Watson. I want you." What is less well known is that he was penned into a corner by Techno who was trying to explain the finer points of green putty to him.

Of course Techno had been sent to Bell by Edison, who hated Bell. At Edison's, Techno worked as the recording engineer. Every day he would sing into the phonograph, or perhaps recite some poetry, and in the evening, Edison would listen to the results. For years Edison tinkered with the machine, ironing out imperfections in sound quality and adjusting the speed of play back, working on removing the clicks and hisses, until someone pointed out that the recording was fine. That odd noise was just the sound Techno made.

Before that, Techno worked for Samuel Morse, and after a few years Morse sent Techno to Edison saying "I can teach this man no more." Morse hated Edison. It is well known that Morse became interested in long distance communication after he was unaware that his wife had fallen ill, and arrived only after she had died. What is less well known is that Techno was with Morse at that time, and during Morse's early attempts at creating the now famous Morse Code. As Morse slaved away, he was heard to exclaim "Dammit Techno! Will you stop tapping your fingers!" It is estimated that Techno's help added five years to the project.

Techno arrived at Morse's workshop with a letter of recommendation from Benjamin Franklin. Franklin hated Morse. Franklin described Techno as being key to his experiments. What is less well known that this meant that Franklin attached Techno to a large kite every time there was any prospect of lightning.

Techno arrived in America fresh from the laboratories of Luigi Galvani, who died shortly after Techno left his service - some say of relief. Galvani is most famous for his experiments with muscle tissue and electricity. It is well known that he accidentally touched the muscle of a frog with a scalpel that had collected a static charge, and the leg kicked. Some say his experiments were the inspiration for the Frankenstein story.

Nothing is known of Techno before his time with Galvani.