To a hardware store and says to bloke behind the counter "Can I have some nails please"

The shop assistant says "How long ya want em?"

Man says "Err I wanna keep em'"

... to a bar and asks the barman,"How big are penguins?"

The barman thinks for a moment and says,"Different penguins are different sizes."

"OK," says the man,"what's the smallest and largest size of penguin?"

Barman thinks again and indicates about kneeheight. "From this,"he says,"to this." And indicates about waist height.

"So," says the man,"none of them are five foot six?"

"Nope!" says the barman.

"Damn!," says the man," the wife's right! I've run over a nun in your car park!"

Oh dear me. It must be the heat .

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.....................................

.. to a bar. Breaks his nose. It's an iron bar.


I think I see the bottom of the barrel we're scraping

A man walks into a bar... Ouch!

Now that's scraping the bottom of the barrel.

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plane.

Last one

 

Ouch !!
Cheers - Phil.

A man walks into a bar with a horses head under his arm...

The barman asks "Why the long face?"

The most beautiful woman walks into a bar and sits opposite the bar drunk. It isn't long before the drunk plucks up the courage to ask the woman out on a date . She politely refuses, but not to be put off by a mere rebuffal the drunk drinks a few more and asks at least a dozen times more .

The drunk decides to have one more crack at success to which the woman responds "You clearly don't understand sir. See that other beautiful woman over there? I'd like to take all of her clothes off and kiss her all over her naked body. I am sir a lesbian." 

"Well bugger me!" says the Drunk. "If that's the case then I must be a Lesbian too!"

Proves sport is dangerous........

IanS 

Shakespeare walks into a bar and the Barman says "Oi! Get out! You're Bard..."