Word for word, taken down by American court reporters!

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Attorney: What was the 1st thing your husband said to you that morning?

Witness : He said, Where am I Cathy?

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan.

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Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Attorney: Are you sexually active?

Witness: No, I just lie there.

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Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo?

Witness: We both do.

Attorney: Voodoo?

Witness: We do...

Attorney: You do?

Witness: Yes, voodoo.

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Attorney: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?

Witness; He's 20, much like your IQ.

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Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Witness: Are you sh!tting me?

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Attorney: So the date of the conception was August the 8th?

Witness: Yes

Attorney: And what were you doing at the time?

Witness: Getting laid.

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Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

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Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was medium height and he had a beard

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Witness: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male

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Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them....the live ones put up too much of a fight.

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Attorney: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, ok? What school did you go to?

Witness: Oral..

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Attorney: Before you performed the autopsy did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So its possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk

Attorney: I see but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes its possible he could have been alive and practising law.

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Leon did it again!

I've seen these before and they always make me laugh .

"Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Witness: Are you sh!tting me?"

WONDERFUL !
Cheers - Phil.

As the lawyer is refered to as an attourney I assume these are american courts - and they thought they were good enough for independance?

Quote from: Just a few Orcs on 19 February 2012, 10:37:34 PM
As the lawyer is refered to as an attourney I assume these are american courts - and they thought they were good enough for independance?

Well, several of my American colleagues understand what capital letters are. Don't judge them all by George Bush.

Sorry FK I am not so sure that George Bush is not one of the more intelligent Americans

To illustrate the level of the American education system I have this following true story.

I took my family to Florida to do the usual theme park holiday.  in one of the parks, MGM studios I think they had a "Who wants to be a millionaire" feature where the audience had a random chance to compete in a version of the quiz where you won Disney memorabilia. We went in and watched the following

1st contestant  20 something Female

Q Which of these have the same name as a split in a stream/river

1 Spoon
2 Fork
3 Knife
4 Ladle

The answer the genius gave was 4 Ladle !!!!  So she was out.

2nd contestant  30ish American male

Q Which of the following bags is a businesman likely to carry

1 Knapsack
2 Handbag
3 Attache Case
4 Rucksack

Contestant after some thought " Can I have 50/50 please"

Answers left

1 Knapsack
2
3 Attache Case
4

More thinking and head scratching,

Compere I'm afraid Ill have to hurry you

Contestant "Knapsack?"

So He was out

Second Example

2 years ago just before I went to Florida again a trainer at Sea World was savaged to death by one of the many Orca whales called  Shamu.  Very tragic I know.

But an Orca's main food supply is a grey/black mammal approx 6 feet long wighing some 50-100kg that swims in the same ocean as the said Orca.  A trainer in Sea World wears a black wetsuit and is approximately 5-6 feet long and weighs 50-100kg and swims in the same pool as said Orca !!!!!!!!!!

And they wonder why it happened??

I rest my case.

Back in the all trainee police officers were told "Be carful in court with D&D cases - for gods sake dont say 'He called me a Worship your Bas***ds' - think you can guess what is coming..

I did, when the bench had recovered defendant was given a £5 fine and bound over.....


IanS