Col Buffinton-Tuffington

        It appears that your demetia has taken far back into the past. No such Crisis is showing on my BBC News site. It's all about the budget. Can you forward me the address for your carrer as you obviously need some help.

            FM Chepstow Retd (Dec)

Sir

I write to complain in the strongest possible terms over the infiltration of this forum by sewage crisis deniers.  Less than a mile from where your correspondent is writing this, raw sewage is right now threatening my neighbour's homes.  Not only is it doing little for our tourist trade since the sea is unusable, if we are levelled down any further, we will be knee deep in the stuff.  No doubt the budget response will be to subsidise air freshener manufacturers rather than deal with our crumbling infrastructure.

  https://www.theargus.co.uk/news/19672912.southern-water-dealing-burst-sewer-lancing

Yukk indeed.   

 

Yours

G. "Pongo" Reaper

Sir

In response to Mr G Reaper, I can only offer my deepest sympathies at his very smelly predicament.  He has a surplus smelly fluid that needs to be moved elsewhere.

I would like to recommend the method we used in the army when we had liquid we wanted to move elsewhere.  We simply siphoned it into a bucket.  All he needs is a bucket, a  length of hose, and a good suck.

Regards

Major T Whit rtd.

To The Editor

I feel that I must express my OUTRAGE over the state of Public Toilets in the United Kingdom. There has long been a British traditional value of 'Spending A Penny' to use such conveniences... indeed, the phrase has become a recognised term  in our English language!
I carry a little embossed leather purse containing pennies sufficient for my needs.
However, in recent times, there has been a DEPLORABLE tendency for such conveniences to lack ANY FORM OF COIN SLOT!!!
What is one supposed to do? Wave one's 'thingy' around... so that anyone can see the numbers written upon it?

On a recent trip to our Capital City, I was very gratified to find a Gentleman's Convenience in an 'Underground Railway' station. Imagine my embarrassment to have to pass a TURNSTYLE in full public view! DISGRACEFUL! And there was a 20p charge!!! And THEN, the infernal thing could not be induced to accept my penny coins!
After many unsuccessful attempts to pay for my needs... quite unasked for and unexpectedly, , two kind gentlemen assisted me over the offending contrivance! My grateful thanks for your kind assistance to an ageing Gentleman. However, the unexpectedness of  such A Good Act had unfortunate consequence. and the facility was no longer required.
This once Great country is going to the dogs... but THEY do not get fined... agian... when THEY 'do it' against  llamp posts!

Lord George Wette-Fuyminge.

Dear Mr Editor

I must agree with wrath felt by Lord George Wette-Fuyminge.  I too wanted to use the convenience AT Euston station late one evening, only to find that I did not have a 20p piece.  None of the retailers would give change)(presumabley they would spend half the day giving out change for the toilets if they did).

The ticket office was closed  so I spoke to one of the station staff, who was most uninterested in my predicament. I asked if he had an override key and he replied in the negative.  I then said "Nature will not be delayed So I will be forced to relive myself behind your ticket booth.  Then Miracle of Miracles - An override key  materialised in his hand.

I suggest that in future times if caught short without the correct change Lord George Wette-Fuyminge offers to irrigate or even fertilise part of the station near the staff to see if the same miracle occurs.

Yours

Mr C.T Short.

Sirs,

In the headlong dash towards the cashless society of the future, why oh why are the railway stations of this great country still insisting that our fine citizens carry actual coins around with them, thus placing them at great danger of being mugged by some of the younger, less law-abiding members of society?

Is it not the modern way to require some sort of 'app' to do anything important? Preferably one that requires one to be tracked at all times, and provide copies of any photographs or electronic communications received or transmitted?

Yours

Sir Hugh Jass Esq.

Dear Editor

I must protest in the strongest possible terms about the way the youngsters are abandoning out traditional celebrations in favour of Colonial practices.

I refer in particular to the celebration of "Guy Fawkes Night". In My day you regularly had children (Normally small boys) on street corners  with a straw or paper filled mannequin of  Mr Guy Fawkes ,calling out "Penny for the Guy!"  This was to enable them to go and buy some fireworks.  Now I appreciate that a collection of pennies does not but many (any?) fireworks, but I for one would not object to giving them a few bob or even a £1 for said fireworks.

Instead we pumpkins everywhere and Children (and often adults) dressed up as Ghosts, ghouls and other dreadful things knocking on doors asking for sweets. supposedly celebrating that American nonsense of  "Halloween". I think this trend is most unhealthy, all that sugar is no good for them. Not to mention the dangers of knocking on strangers doors at night. 

Far better  and safer that they spend thier money on pyrotechnics, at least then it would not contribute to the obesity problem we have in our young, and they might even learn a bit of history in the process.


J.Brock Esq.

Sir

Where am I? What is this place? It's like the time I went on a two day business trip and they changed all the locks.

I. B. Confuzed, man about town (ret)

Dear Sir

When are you next presenting the News Quiz?

Yours

Mrs Trellis,
North Wales

Dear Editor
Having recently been released from Hospitalisation, I feel that I must comment on the proliferation of Pumpkins at Halloween.
My ex-girlfriend regards them as upsetting and derogatory.
Recognizing that this may be due to her ample stature, use of spray tan and unfortunate dentistry, I attempted to sooth her qualms by saying;
"Luv... you look good enough to eat..."

T. Lantern

To Whom It may Concern.
Having finished yet another hectic Night Shift, may I re-iterate a long standing plea?
When hanging up socks/stockings in the expectation of gifts to be placed therein...
... could you please WASH the hosiery beforehand?

And To All, A Good Night.
S Claus.

Hugh Jass - get yourself over here. One OV card for trains, buses and trams from one end of the country to the other. And no need to book months in advance for a reasonable price.

Quote from: Leman on 07 January 2022, 10:42:50 AMHugh Jass - get yourself over here. One OV card for trains, buses and trams from one end of the country to the other. And no need to book months in advance for a reasonable price.

Yes, but you can walk from one end of the country to the other in about twenty minutes anyway!

QuoteHugh Jass - get yourself over here. One OV card for trains, buses and trams from one end of the country to the other. And no need to book months in advance for a reasonable price.

Mr.Jass' comment was in connection with being charged to use the bog.

I'm glad they don't make you book months in advance for that.

Couldn't see a specific reference to the old WC. Assumed it concerned the stupidity of still requiring individual tickets. The last time I took a train in the UK, day return to Leeds, I was issued with about 6 individual pieces of cardboard. Utterly daft.

Sirs,

I have been watching some of the sports from the Commonwealth Games. I am outraged that some of the countries competing are actually beating competitors from Great Britain. Do they not know their place??

GREAT Britain means exactly that. This country is the head of this commonwealth and the others have had the good fortune to be invited to join this exclusive and wonderful Commonwealth. In deference to the great privilege we bestow on them they need to behave in a suitably subservient manner. Beating our athletes is just NOT ON!


Regards

Mr B I Gott

And all the world over, each nation's the same
They've simply no notion of playing the game
They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won
And they practice beforehand, which ruins the fun!

What do you call a Scottish person who wins gold? British. What do you call a Scottish person who doesn't win? Scottish.
What do you call an English person who wins gold? English. What do you call an English person who doesn't win? Cheated by those damned colonials.

I am also somewhat appalled at the commentary referring to a Northern Irish runner as a "menace" for daring to challenge the English runner. I thought it was the British Broadcasting Corporation. 

Sir

I must protest that this minor unimportatnt activity of running round in circles is takeing up so much of the valuable space in your letter column.

Yours H. Simpson CP

Quote from: mmcv on 05 August 2022, 10:46:51 AMI thought it was the British Broadcasting Corporation. 

It has been the Biased Broadcasting Corporation for years.