Quote from: Leon on 08 October 2014, 07:50:34 PM
He's still waiting on new interwebs unfortunately, so isn't properly back yet.  The first hamster had a dodgy leg, so he had to send it back to BT.  They've upgraded him to a guinea pig instead, fully trained in Phiber Opptik, but it'll take time for the creature to walk all the way to the valleys.

There is also a rumour of Winn-Doughs 8, but such futuristic shenanigans won't go down well with Mrs Jones in the village.

That's Jones the Nose, is it? The gauliter of gossip?

And verily did Techno walk in search of land beyond the Dyke. Unfortunately, no-one can walk in a straight line with their eyes closed and so he ended up surely at the end of the world. And at the end of the world there is neither beast nor bird, fish nor nematode. At the end of civilisation is only a Tesco Express, a Costa Coffee, a Bargain Booze and Games Workshop.

And it came to pass that the Techno felt the need to adorn some small figures he was working on. They were hideous forms from the earth and he named the Goblins. He felt that they should be painted a sort of greeny colour and so sought out some colourant with which he could decorate.

He went in to the Tesco Express and search high and low. They had some American chocolate and surprisingly, a Costa Coffee machine. but there was nothing he could utilise for his mission. He pondered a tin of mushy peas which are inedible to man, but may just cling to the goblins and give them a lurid green tint. But Techno knew that nothing in nature, or indeed the unnatural is the colour of mushy peas, except perhaps nuclear waste in horror films.

And so, disheartened, Techno looked about him. Where could he purchase some Goblin skin green paint? Costa Coffee, or Bargain Booze or Games Workshop?

The girl in Costa Coffee was very helpful. She studied the board behind her but could not see goblin skin green paint. She suggested a kiwi and passion fruit smoothie, but he was allergic.  She called the barrister. He was awful at making coffee but had trained for the law and spent at lot of time in the Costa Coffee, for he was at the end of the world, where all soulless creatures should be. Besides he fancied the girl. Yea, even the barrister could not help. Sadly, Techno took his skinny double caramel macchiato and left.

Pausing only to throw the vile concoction at a passing Justin Bieber, for he was at the end of the world, where all soulless creatures go, Techno considered his options. Bargain Booze or Games Workshop? Where to get goblin green?

Bargain booze smelled of old beer and cigarette smoke. The shop was perfectly clean, but the man behind the counter had only a passing acquaintance with personal hygiene products. Stuck behind the glass that shielded the goods from the customers, he looked very like Jabba the Hutt in a display box - down to the girl on a chain. Well, it may be the end of the world, but it's still Wales. Jabba glowered at Techno, as Techno peered through the smear free glass at the variously effective methods of destroying brain cells. He toyed with the idea of a bottle of green Chartreuse, but it was before noon and he didn't want to drink on an empty stomach.

Techno approached the small hole cut in the glass to allow the customer to speak and Jabba to communicate by more olfactory methods. He politely asked for "green dye or paint as may make the creations of my art shimmer with sub-terran life and put brown spots into the undergarments of wood elves." Jabba's two word answer had Techno outside in an instant.

"Truly", thought Techno, "this is end of the world". However he was a resourceful chap and was contemplating making his own paint from vodka and mushy peas, muted with cappuccino. In that past though this had not worked quite well for him, and his figures always glowed in the dark.

As he mused he inadvertently wandered into Games Workshop. By the time he realised where he was, a lanky apparition blocked his path. This fiendish creature was covered in sores and pimples. It stank even worse than Jabba of uncleansed skin and out of control hormones and a t-shirt that had not known the gentle caress of Lenor for some time.

"You look like you're looking for Space Marines" quoth the thing. Techno recoiled momentarily as the kaleidoscope of stench had now been joined by a new strain as the youth's mouth flapped out three day old pizza and a dentist's nightmare. Techno glared at the waste of protein. On the front of the grubby t-shirt was a badge proudly proclaiming that the excrescence behind the badge was named Stanley.

"Get thee behind me, Stan" replied Techno.  He turned and peered quizzically at some overpriced plastic tat. To no avail. The youth adjusted positioned himself again in front of Techno.

"Some space tanks would be nice - to go with Warhammer 40K Edition Alpha-6-4, Codex Alonso. Came out today!"

"Get thee behind me, Stan" thundered Techno. For good measure he had adopted a false beard in the mistaken belief it made him look like Charlton Heston. He turned desperately and saw what he sought! Who'd have thought that Games Workshop was good for anything! But it looked like paint, green paint, goblin skin green paint!

"These space APCs for your Space marine would be great!" Stan had a voice that made fingernails on a chalk board sound like a Mozart quintet. Techno desperately tried to get past this tormentor, but could not fight his way past the eye-searing fumes.

When the Police arrived, they admitted they were impressed that Techno had thought to draw on latex gloves. The paramedics weren't as pleased, but admitted that they hadn't heard of so many space-vehicles being stuffed into a single human orifice.

The barrister from Costa Coffee offered to represent Techno pro-bono. In return, Techno gave him a bone. The judge was very understanding and only fined Techno for the costs of a platoon of space-tanks with supporting space-APCs.

Techno is now bankrupt.  

Cheers, FSN.
(I like that. Just trying it on for size.)





 
     
 

Good grief !
Nice to be back.....Though there are NO cats at all at Techno Towers anymore.
Last one took a car on a few days ago, and lost.
Cheers - Phil

Welcome back, Phil. We've missed you. 

Thanks, Ray !
Cheers - Phil