A Mans random thoughts

[Orcs]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.  

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.  

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.  

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!  I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.  

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[Leon]

 

[fsn]

There's brave! What does Mrs Orcs say?

Some years ago joined the army, and we all went to his passing out parade. I was fortunate enough to take his the fiancee, a leggy, gorgeous girl with great wit and humour.  At the reception after, I was chatting to my son and a few of his mates.

One said "got any nude pictures of your girlfriend?"

"No!" replied my son, somewhat horrified.

"Do you want some?"

[Ithoriel]

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

If Democracy is rule by the people and Theocracy is rule by a god is Hypocrisy rule by hypocrites?

I sleep like a baby ... I wake up crying every two hours!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

[Orcs]

There's brave! What does Mrs Orcs say?

Mrs orcs does not exist any more - I terminated her in 20004 ( wish it was Exterminated!!!!!  )

I am on nights and have emailed them to my better half at her work email , so will find out tommorow  .

Probably she will ignore it as none of them actually apply to her. As I have posted before I am living the dream 

[Last Hussar]

And if he doesn't want to talk to her at night he just takes the valve out and puts her back in the cardboard box.

[Techno]

 
That's much better than the line I was going to plonk down.
Cheers - Phil

[Steve J]

  I laughed at an awful lot of these.

[Orcs]

And if he doesn't want to talk to her at night he just takes the valve out and puts her back in the cardboard box.

  I told you "I am living the Dream"