New Company Policy:

[Orcs]

 
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you  do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do  for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should  be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to  work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin  board under the "ChronicOffenders category". Anyone caught smiling  in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health  policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide  a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere
Have a wonderful day
HR Director

[Techno]

 

[Hertsblue]

You've been talking to my old boss! 

[General Bt Sherman]

good stuff

[Luddite]

'There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.'

This is unfortunately, actual company policy in some places - particularly call centres.

[chrishanley]

Did they conduct a "Time and motion" study to come up with the three minute time limit?

[Hertsblue]

Did they conduct a "Time and motion" study to come up with the three minute time limit?

[FierceKitty]

Did they conduct a "Time and motion" study to come up with the three minute time limit?

Take one hundred lines: "I must not make wilfully funny obscene puns on this forum."

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Take one hundred lines: "I must not make wilfully funny obscene puns on this forum."

Why not ? 

ianS

[FierceKitty]

Because he beat the rest of us to it, of course!