For your wives or girlfirends (or both!)

[Chad]

One for the ladies.
Whatters

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. brilliant!!
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Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!

And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it!

Chad

[Steve J]

Very, very good .

[Luddite]

And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it!

It would appear that i am dull...

[sebigboss79]

It would appear that i am dull...

Sorry for you ...

Humour is when you can laugh about yourself

[Techno]

I ask purely for information,
But what IS an instruction manual ?.....I thought those were things that applied to other people, who aren't clever enough to just press buttons at random until something happens. Works for me every time....Well.... nearly every time.....Oh all right sometimes...Until I give the book to the better half with the shout of disgust..."Why can't people write proper instructions any more !"
Cheers - Phil.

[Luddite]

Sorry for you ...

Humour is when you can laugh about yourself

OH indeed I agree, and there's much about me that is worthy of laughing. 
I make myself chuckle quite often, doing daft things.   

However I struggle to see how the litany of 'aren't men crap' things above constitutes 'funny'.   



Techno, i agree - anything that needs an instruction manual is inherently badly designed.

Being a Luddite, i apply the 'hammer test' to all technology. 

Is this gadget as easy and intuitive to use as a hammer?

No?

OK, here's my hammer...


There is NO NEED to make washing machines and DVD recorders utterly incomprehensible.

'H wash'?   Eh? 

Surely, three settings will do; whites, colours, delicates?

Design fail...

[Techno]

Techno, i agree - anything that needs an instruction manual is inherently badly designed.

There is NO NEED to make washing machines and DVD recorders utterly incomprehensible.

Don't get me started !
Cheers - Phil.

[Chad]

What's a washing machine?


Chad

[Hertsblue]

I get the impression that women are trying to get their own back for centuries of ridicule and oppression. Leave them alone, they'll work it through eventually.   

[DanJ]

Surely, three settings will do; whites, colours, delicates?

Nope, I manage with "Dark things" and "Everything else".  -  Simples - although I struggle with ploka dots or black and white stripes and put them into the "I'm confused pile".

[Techno]

Well, I liked our really old washing machine...which we had repaired OVER and OVER again....for about 17 years.
Even I could use that....."How does it work dear ?"
"Turn the dial around to number 4, and switch it on."
Sorted !
Cheers - Phil.

[goat major]

[Luddite]

Nope, I manage with "Dark things" and "Everything else".  -  Simples - although I struggle with ploka dots or black and white stripes and put them into the "I'm confused pile".

Oooh...excellent.  That's much more efficient, since everthing i own is pretty much NOT delicate.  Never seems quite robust enough.  

For your 'polkadot/zebra pattern' issue i tend to put those things in on their own...better safe than sorry.  Although,,, i don't own any clothing that would qualify...being niether a terrace-frequenting Mackem or Tackem.  OR actually a terrace-frequenter of any sort.

To be honest though, in our fair division of labour, the wife does do 95% of the clothes washing...mostly due to my inability to cope with the 'alphabet of doom' that is the washing machine dial.  I'm pretty sure she only uses the one setting though...

[Last Hussar]

Washing Machine
Whites - As hot as it will go
everything else I own Um 60ish?

Cooker
180', 20mins

What I want to know is what is she doing with the diesel in the car, drinking it?

In my experience women are natural born managers.  They remind me of the three managers I watched yesterday when the normal staff were not available.  They will quite happily tell you what you are doing wrong, and how you should be doing it, and get upset at any objections, but when you say 'You do it then' they don't know where to start.

[Orcs]

Luddite - Why are you using a washing machine !!!!  BY your own admission you are a Luddite. You wife should be taking your clothes to a stream to wash them against a smooth rock.

Last Hussar- Its a French car so its bound to be awkward for an Englishman, so its using more than it has too. If thats not the case perhaps you should take it away from her and make her walk. If she protests point out the following

1. Men are better drivers, so you should have sole use of it.
2. The exercise will do her good. 
3 You will trade her in for  a more up to date and better model that uses less fuel!

Notes on above

For reasons 1 and 2 make sure you have a clear exit.
When using reason 3 its best if you already have a better model in mind and some where to stay. It can also be very expensive but LOTS OF FUN