New Website Info - An alternative view

[Orcs]

PLEASE NOTE:- This is all very tongue in cheek.  (apart from the bit about Techno which is definitely true)


Ancients

This period starts around the time Techno  started school

Classical (600-220BC).
Called Classical as the Flute Oboe and early Violin were invented at this time

- Greek.

The army spent so much time pinching girls bottoms or tweaking their nipples, that the country went bust paying for an ineffective standing army.    

- Achaemenid Persian

A fantasy race of Spider people from Persia


- Indian

Very easy army to paint as all clothes are white and the people are shades of Brown, the only other colour need is grey for the many Elephants



Punic Wars (220-146BC)

A Series of wars fought between two factions, one who thought that you should shave all your private body hair, and the others who thought women with hairy armpits were sexy.

Sorry I think I might have read the tile wrongly


- Republican Roman
These Italians were early supporters of Donald Trump

- Carthaginian
These people came from North Africa and were the for runners of the modern Circus, Taking their elephant act and big top over the Alps to confront the Romans

- Spanish- these had a liking for the Circus so often fought for Carthage,



Early Imperial

- Imperial Roman
The most famous emperor of this period was Hadrian Trumpetus . he actually succeeded in building a wall across his border to keep the freeloading Picts out.

- Gallic - Lovers of Snails and Garlic

- Dacian A ferocious band of tribes that were not very refined. This is why the modern range of Dacia cars are named after them.

Late Imperial
Hadrian Trumpetus successors


Dark Ages

A period about which little is known.

Arab - A cunning people known to pimp their own relatives with the cry of "would you like to buy my Sister / Aunt / Mother (delete as appropriate) she is virgin".



Medieval

In the middle as far as being bad is concerned

Mid-European  

Where most of the eastern Europeans are trying to emigrate too

Late European

Britain after Brexit


Renaissance

A period of Change particularly in Italy where the Various factions lived promiscuous lives , fought repeatedly and power changed hands every five minutes - Not unlike the modern Italian Government

Landsknechts
German Mercenaries , copies of the Swiss pike men.  Would sell out to anyone if the price was right - again like modern Swiss bankers

Elizabethan 1560-1610

A period where the British and the Spanish did not like each other.  But this time it was the Spanish trying to get on the British beaches and cause mayhem.  the opposite of today.


16th C. Ottoman Turks
See Dark age Arab

16th C. Samurai
A period where Honour and doing what was right mattered over everything else. - Will the British Government please take note!

30 Years War
Another war where people killed each other because of religious differences.



18th Century
Marlburian
Great Northern War
- Russian
- Swedish
1745 Jacobite Scots
Seven Years War
- Austrian
- British
- French
- Hanoverian
- Prussian
- Russian

A period where  they all wore the same style of uniforms, used the same equipment and with minor variations fought the same way.  
The Duke of Marlborough later had a brand of cigarettes names after him.


French Indian War

This is where the French tried to get the Indians to fight the British for them, so that when the hard fighting was done the French could rule Canada.  As Canada is still part of the British commonwealth we can see how well that went.


American War of Independence American Revolution

We can see how well this went for the Americans when we look at some of their recent presidents and Presidential candidates.

Donald Trump
Sarah Palin
Bill Clinton
Ronald Regan
The Kennedys

I think that sums it up



Napoleonic

A Series or wars started by the French to see if they could actually beat someone.


19th Century

This is the begining of the modern Era

Americas

- Plains Wars
Americans beat up the indigenous population now they don't have the British to pick on

- Franco-Mexican War
The French had the same feelings about the Mexicans at this time as Donald Trump does now.

Europe
- Crimean War
Having been unable to beat the British the French decide to make them allies and see if they could beat the Russians after failing miserable 40 years previously


Colonial

2nd Afghan War
1879 Zulu War
1890's North-West Frontier

All of the above is where the British try to impose their will by force on the local population


1899-1902 Boer War
The one where the local population gave the British a bloody nose several times

1905 Russo-Japanese War

This continues on and off for forty years.



World War One

A period where the military establishment of all major countries thinks you can win a war if you throw enough bodies in the front of machine guns  

Inter-War

1917-22 Russian Civil War

The population got fed up of being thrown into the front of machine guns by the establishment


Spanish Civil War
A major punch up between the communist and the fascists , egged on by the Russians and Germans, wanting to try out their new toys .  HMMMM this sounds familiar


WW2

Effectively a continuation of WW1, caused by  the extreme financial burden placed on Germany after WW2

American - Late again
British - Only fully motorised Army at start of WW2  - Generals relied on the normal Tommy to sort out the mess they made
Canadian - Fanatical fighters - not always in a good way
Finnish- Fought Russians to a standstill  then fought the Germans
French-  Fought bravely but some just wanted to collaborate.
German Well organised and led. But having a Nutter in charge of government did not help
Hungarian-  Wrong place at the wrong time so fought with Germans
Italian- Brave but could not decide which side they were on
Japanese - fanatical to the point that caused them to be the ones that the allies tested their newest toy on
Polish - Fought bravely in Europe and North Africa only to be sold out at the end of the war.
Romanian Wrong place at the wrong time so fought with Germans
Soviet - Quantity has a quality all of its own




Post-War

Vietnam

A war fought to "keep them damned commies" out.  

Modern
Falklands War

Started by the Argentine Government to divert attention from problems at home. Like most bullies they did not like it when the target of their attention fought back.  

[paulr]

Polish - Fought bravely in Poland, France, Britain, Norway, the Levant, the Atlantic, the Mediterranean, Russia, Ukraine, Germany and North Africa only to be sold out at the end of the war.

I've probably still missed a few

[lowlylowlycook]

Might as well copy the 30 Years War entry to the official thread.

[fsn]

League of Ausberg
An in-between time, nestling between the colourful oddness of the Renaissance and the formalised charm of the Lace Wars like a wart in your best girl's cleavage. Life was ugly, brutish and short. Wars were ugly, brutish and long. 

Wars were started either because a) someone had a grandfather, but someone else had a great-grand-uncle or b) someone's prayer book was ever so slightly different.

You don't even get the Three Musketeers.

Have you looked at the Centurions?

[fsn]

World War One
A period where the military establishment of all major countries thinks you can win a war if you throw enough bodies in the front of machine guns 

... and the Americans were late.

[FierceKitty]

Polish - Fought bravely in Poland, France, Britain, Norway, the Levant, the Atlantic, the Mediterranean, Russia, Ukraine, Germany and North Africa only to be sold out at the end of the war.

I've probably still missed a few

And occupied Moscow and got back alive.

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

And occupied Moscow and got back alive.

So the reports of cannibalism among the Polish garrison were false then ?

[FierceKitty]

Hmmm...I could enjoy eating one or two Poles I've met....

[skywalker]

Too much information there Fierce Kitty 

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Well cats is exclusively carnivorous.

[DanJ]

BIBLICAL

Anything before the Violin, Flute and Oboe period despite the Bible being written at the start of the Classical Period!  Highlights were the Building the Pyramids, Inventing the Chariot (about 1000 years after the Pyramids which it was eventually realised were very inefficient without wheels), and the introduction of bronze as the high tech weapons' material.

Egyptians:-    Greatest military nation of the ancient world......  left us the press releases to prove it.

Hittites:- vicious Asiatic aggressors beaten into submission by the mighty Egyptians.... Who left us the press releases to prove it.

Sea Peoples:-  vicious Mediterranean aggressors beaten into submission by the mighty Egyptians.... Who left us the press releases to prove it.

Nubians:- vicious African aggressors beaten into submission by the mighty Egyptians.... Who left us the press releases to prove it.

[d_Guy]

OP - "Shows promise  B+"

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

Nice one Dan!

[DanJ]

CRUSADES

Series of wars across the Middle East, France, Spain and Baltic lands based on the theory "My God's Bigger/Better/More Merciful than yours", started and supported by men of great piety who assured their flocks that

A)   Killing the enemies of the church was a duty rather than a sin and as such counted as penance.
   Anyone who died undertaking this penance was guaranteed a place in heaven.
C)   God would give the truly penitent huge tracks of land taken from the heathen.

Crusading Christians :- An unholy alliance of European Princes persuaded, for reasons outlined above, to travel thousands of miles to slaughter the Infidel and take his lands.

Saracens:- Mostly, but not exclusively Moslems designated as fit victims for the wrath of the Penitent Christians by the holy and merciful rulers of the most Catholic Church in Rome.  The Moslems had originally invaded the Christian lands of the Middle East more than 450 years before; but news travelled slowly in the Dark Ages.

Knights Templar:- Warrior Monks and probably the coolest army anyone can own; subsequent reports of Satanism and other bad habits are nothing but vile rumours put out by the King of France who owed them money.

Knights Hospitalers:- Also known as the Knights of Rhodes or Knights of Malta depending where they were currently hiding from the Saracens.  Quite cool, but not as cool as the Templars.

Teutonic Knights:- Decided that the Middle East was too far to travel so introduced Christianity to the Baltic lands at the point of their lances.  Almost as cool as the Templars.

[Orcs]

CRUSADES

Series of wars across the Middle East, France, Spain and Baltic lands based on the theory "My God's Bigger/Better/More Merciful than yours", started and supported by men of great piety who assured their flocks that

A)   Killing the enemies of the church was a duty rather than a sin and as such counted as penance.
   Anyone who died undertaking this penance was guaranteed a place in heaven.
C)   God would give the truly penitent huge tracks of land taken from the heathen.

Crusading Christians :- An unholy alliance of European Princes persuaded, for reasons outlined above, to travel thousands of miles to slaughter the Infidel and take his lands.

Saracens:- Mostly, but not exclusively Moslems designated as fit victims for the wrath of the Penitent Christians by the holy and merciful rulers of the most Catholic Church in Rome.  The Moslems had originally invaded the Christian lands of the Middle East more than 450 years before; but news travelled slowly in the Dark Ages.

Knights Templar:- Warrior Monks and probably the coolest army anyone can own; subsequent reports of Satanism and other bad habits are nothing but vile rumours put out by the King of France who owed them money.

Knights Hospitalers:- Also known as the Knights of Rhodes or Knights of Malta depending where they were currently hiding from the Saracens.  Quite cool, but not as cool as the Templars.

Teutonic Knights:- Decided that the Middle East was too far to travel so introduced Christianity to the Baltic lands at the point of their lances.  Almost as cool as the Templars.

To add to the above

At the siege of Jerusalem the Jews and the Muslims stood side by side defending it against the Christians. - rather ironic  giving the current stance in the middle east