Advice for those who are bored.

[Techno]

Shouldn't you preface this with something like,"Hmm, you're about the same size ..."
"Honestly officer, the duct tape, cable ties and box cutters are for a terrain item I'm building ... the patio, yes it's new ... flagged it over myself ... my wife? .... no honestly she's on holiday with her sister and a friend .... no, really ... ow! Those handcuffs pinch!"

"Oh, yes sir.....and how does the shovel and pick fit in with your....Ahem.....Terrain building.
You're nicked, Chummy."

Cheers - Constable Savage.

[Ithoriel]

"But officer, I'd borrowed them from a friend to do the patio work. They're in the boot because I was about to return them."

[Techno]

Hay likely story.
Hide like hue to haccompany me to the station, sir.

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

wat accent were dat.

IanS

[FierceKitty]

Hay likely story.
Hide like hue to haccompany me to the station, sir.

Very well, but I don't do truncheons and handcuffs on a first arrest, ok?

[Techno]

wat accent were dat. IanS

Hay policeman giving hevidence in hcourt, hand trying to speak posh.....Hi presume.
(Where DID that 'haccent' horiginate ?......Some hold comedy show, hi presume.) 

Cheers - Phil

[FierceKitty]

Inappropriate aspiration of vowels is an affectation older than English. Catullus wrote a poem about it poking fun at a man called Arrius, usually translated 'Arry.

Chommoda dicebat, si quando commoda vellet
  dicere, et insidias Arrius hinsidias.
et tum mirifice sperabat se esse locutum,
  cum quantum poterat dixerat hinsidias.
Credo, sic mater, sic liber avunculus eius,
  sic maternus avus dixerat atque avia.
Hoc misso in Syriam requierant omnibus aures:
  audibant eadem haec leniter et leviter,
nec sibi postilla metuebant talia verba,
  cum subito affertur nuntius horribilis,
Ionios fluctus, postquam illuc Arrius isset,
  iam non Ionios esse sed Hionios.

"Hadvantages" Arrius would say whenever he wished to say advantages
And ambush he said was "hambush,"
And then he was hoping that he had spoken wonderfully
Under the circumstances when he said "hambush" as much as he was able,
I believe, thus his mother, thus his free uncle,
Thus his maternal grandfather and grandmother had spoken.
When this man was packed off to Syria, everyone's ears had a rest:
They were hearing the same thing more softly and more lightly,
Nor afterwards were they themselves fearing such words,
When suddenly the horrible message is brought that:
The Ionian waves, after Arrius had been there,
Were now no longer Ionian but "Hionian."

[fsn]

wat accent were dat.

Parker out of Thunderbirds.

I think it's quite an old affectation. Cockerknees would drop their 'h's' in things like 'arrogate insted of Harrogate , or in the case of the Steptoes 'arold instead of Harold. When being 'posh' they would replace the 'h's', but then added then where they were not needed.

[Orcs]

How about phoning  a GW store and asking if they have the following in stock

Heamo roidis purple paint
Stool brown paint

if they query it say " its some new colours in the range"

[d_Guy]

Hamo     Hamamus
Hamas    Hamatis
Hamat     Hamant
                 -Arrius

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

Ask in Mcccyds for 15 nuggets, wait for the "We only serve in 6, 9 or 12!" Reply...

[Leman]

The response is then, "So you'd rather take no money at all than sell 15? How on earth did you get 5 stars you wazerk?"

[Techno]

Eh ?

Good grief ! 

Mind you.....(I've probably told this one before).....About 15 ? years ago, I was in a particular shop in a 'town' called Southwell, where the tills had temporarily stopped working.

Honest truth....One of the assistants said to her colleague....."Tracy, what's 17 less 3 ?"

Cheers - Phil

[FierceKitty]

Hamo     Hamamus
Hamas    Hamatis
Hamat     Hamant
                 -Arrius

'ah, 'ah, ah, very hamusing!

[fsn]

I remember shopping with my father for some item of furniture. Aware of the limited space, father asked the shop assistant how wide the item was in inches, rather than the damned centipedes and millipedes we now use, for father was at heart an Imperial man. She took out a tape measure and painfully measures the item.

"2 foot 15 inches." She offered. My father, who on occassion made Victor Meldrew look like the Dalai Llama, retained a surreal calm and asked her to check again. She snicked the tape across the item.

"Yes. 2 foot, 3 inches."

"Don't you mean 3 foot 3 inches?" prompted father, kindly. She looked at him as if he had perhaps lost some portion of his sanity. Again, the ruler whipped out. 

"No, definitely 2 foot 15 inches." Father was perplexed by such repeated demonstrations of inability.

"Could you measure the other side?" This time, she openly scowled at him, but sensing a sale was possible, measured the opposite length.

"Two foot 14 ... no 15 inches." She intoned. 

"Ah! Said father. You're quite certain?" The sales assistant studied the tape measure for a moment.

"Yes, quite certain."

"Pity." Said Father. "I need it to fit into a gap which is a yard and 6 inches wide." So saying, he turned on his heel and we left the shop. We never spoke of the incident but he never, to my knowledge, returned to that shop.