Cracker Jokes or A Festive Challenge

[Last Hussar]

What's hard hairy at the base, and brings tears to the eyes of young women?

An Onion.

(That one dates from the 9th century!)

[Leman]

Also from the C9th

What's long and thin, covered in skin,
Red in parts and shoved in tarts?

Rhubarb.

[Westmarcher]

 

Fascinating to see how everyday topics of conversation back then have stood the test of time and are still funny today.

Even now, we still love to talk about wet Cnut and laugh.

.... wait, wait .... i think he was 11th Century.

[Leman]

Remember, I taught History to dyslexic children!! 

[Last Hussar]

Witnessed by me

Female Probation Officer reading list of side effects for Rohypnol "... leaves salty taste in the mouth."
Female Prison Officer "That's not the Rohypnol..."

[Leman]

Women in uniform, eh - you've gotta love 'em.

[Tawa]

Witnessed by me

Female Probation Officer reading list of side effects for Rohypnol "... leaves salty taste in the mouth."
Female Prison Officer "That's not the Rohypnol..."

       

[Westmarcher]

Remember, I taught History to dyslexic children!! 

Yes indeedy! To his admirers, he was known as Cnut (Canute) the Great but, to his other contemporaries (i.e., his enemies), he was just another Cnut who made their lives difficult. 

P.S. How do you manage to explain to them how a Bar Steward became William I, King of England?

[Leman]

Told them his dad fancied a tanner's daughter. When I was asked what exactly a bastard is, and did my best to explain, quite a few kids said, 'I'm one of them.' [The word 'those' does not exist in scouse. It is also the only place I know of in Britain where you has a plural form, i.e. youse.]

[Maenoferren]

What do you call a monkey in a dynamite factory? .... A baboom!!!

[Tawa]

When they released The Silence of the Lambs in Liverpool, the movie posters said "Shuttit Ewes!"

[Leman]

 

[DanJ]

Many thanks to all and singular who helped with this project, just in case any other officers of the forum are struggling with a similar task, here are my top 12 cracker jokes; some from this forum, some from other sources:

What's yellow and swings through the trees?
Marzipan of the Apes

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

What's white and wears yellow check trousers?
Rupert the Fridge.

What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A mouse off on holiday.

What carol is sung in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!

What's brown, has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse back from holiday!

What do you call a monkey in a dynamite factory?
A baboom!!!

How do we know Mary and Joseph were careful with their money?
They had a Lidl donkey

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can't beat it!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis

[skywalker]

They brightened up a dull Wednesday Lunchtime at work 

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]