Cracker Jokes or A Festive Challenge

[DanJ]

Gentlemen,

It has fallen to me to make the family's  Christmas Crackers this year,  I've sorted out the presents but the jokes supplied are poor fair, at the risk of opening the proverbial floodgates, would anyone like to suggest any "good" jokes I can include in the crackers?' 

Please note that the family is not prudish but one of the recipients will be my mother-in-law

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

What's grey, has four legs, and a trunk?
A mouse off on holiday.
What's brown, has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse back from holiday!

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard.

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in custard!

What's white and swings through the trees?
Marzipan of the Apes

What's white and swings through the trees?
Tarzan the fridge

Why don't you ever find elephants in custard?
Sharks are them all.

What's green, hairy, and goes up or down at the touch of a button?
Gooseberry in a lift!

What's black and hairy and goes up and down At the touch of a button?
Blackberry in a lift.

How do you fit four elephants in a lift?
Carefully!

What's red, hairy and goes up and down at the touch of a button?
It really doesn't matter, there's no room, there's already four elephants, a gooseberry and a blackberry in there!

[Steve J]

My Mother-in-Law asked me for a double entendre, so I gave her one...

[Ithoriel]

How do we know Mary and Joseph were careful with their money?

They had a Lidl donkey

[Techno]

How do you get two whales in a Honda Civic ?

Drive down the M4.

Cheers - Phil

[Orcs]

OOHH! Someone asking me for jokes !  

Normal conversation in Orc household, when something occurs

Orcs :- OH! I know a joke about that
Mrs Orcs and Assorted Goblins in Chorus  " NO YOU DON'T"  

Occasionaly the conversation goes like this :-

Orcs :- OH! I know a joke about that
Mrs Orcs :- Only if its clean
Orcs :-  Complete silence (With a look of complete bewilderment on his face )

[Orcs]

Toilets are like mothers-in-law: the farther away the better.

I really DO have a soft spot for my MIL.  It's out in the garden behind the garage

Q:  What is the ideal weight for a MIL?
A:  About 2.3lbs, including the urn.


Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.  Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.  A trout fisherman ran up.  The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim.  Please save her.  I'll give you a hundred dollars."  The fisherman dove into the water.  In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.  Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"  The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife.  But this is my MIL."  The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck.  How much do I owe you?"


Q:  What do you do if you miss your MIL??
A:  RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!


A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, "Could you please cut my dog's tail off?"  The vet examines the tail and says, "There is nothing wrong.  Why would you want this done?"  The man replies, "My MIL is coming to visit, and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"

[Orcs]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. 


An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a
Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked
into a pub. The bouncer says "Sorry.. I can't let you in without a
Thai".

You won't hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for
stealing swimming pool inflatables........I gotta lilo.


News just in....There's a female ref for the United v City match. The kick
off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.


Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations "but none of them rub your dick and say "well done"?

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything....I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk sh*t and can't drive!

Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

[Ithoriel]

Dear Ma,

well here I am doing my bit, fighting Kaiser Bill, and I'm in trouble already.

I got this great long service number what I can never remember, so the Sarge says just remember the last three numbers, which is 173.

So off we goes to church parade yesterday and we sits and listens to the padre's sermon and then he says,"Please stand. We will now sing a hymn. Number 173 Art thou weary, art thou languid, art thou sore distressed."

And I gets a week in the guardhouse just for giving a civil answer!

Your ever-loving son.

[Leman]

What's brown and comes steaming backwards out of cows?
The Isle of Wight ferry.

What's white and wears yellow check trousers?
Rupert the Fridge.

What's huge and purple and lives under the sea?
Moby Prune.

Mummy, mummy, why do we always go to America for our holidays?
Shut up and keep swimming.

[DanJ]

Many thanks Gentlemen,

There are some there I haven't heard for decades and many which will enliven our Festive Feast something awful.

Dan

[Techno]

How do you get four, 90 year old ladies to shout "(insert naughty word of your choice)" in unison ?

You get a fifth one to shout "Bingo !"

Cheers - Phil

[Leman]

  not heard that one before.

How do you march seven men two abreast?
Quickly.

[Tawa]

Oh lordy.....