A Pendrakenmas Carol

[Fenton]

 

[paulr]

 

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

Like a lot! 

[Techno]

 
See......I told you he was an oik !!
Wonderful, Nobby !
Cheers - Phil

[fsn]

Oik is as oik does. 

ForrestSN

[Westmarcher]

... Dressed as a girl! ..

I've only one thing to say to you, Sir! And I demand an immediate answer! Or else, it is pistols at dawn!

...... did my bum look big in that dress? 

[Techno]

Don't answer that, Nobby !......You'll only drop yourself further in the doo-doo.
Cheers - Phil

[fsn]

...... did my bum look big in that dress? 

You looked adorable.

Now should I be worried, or should you? 

[Techno]

 

[Westmarcher]

You looked adorable.

   

[by the way ...... Epic!     ]

[fsn]

FSN's 5th: In which FSN finds remembering is difficult and Anne Hathaway makes another appearance

FSN turned back from nailing up the cupboard.

"That won't keep them put" purred a distinctly feminine voice. FSN shook his head to clear the disconnect.  Female ... his bedroom ... female ...in  his bedroom ... on the bed ... something, something.  A distant memory jumped up and waved, but it was too far back in his mind for him to make sense of it.

He turned slowly. A woman lay on his bed.  A proper femme fatale. On her feet were blood red killer heels, her blood red toenails obvious in red stockings, her red stocking obvious in a blood red dress whose split up nearly matched the plunge down which exposed creamy femininity in abundance, and a lack of a vest in any colour. A pink tongue played across blood red lips. She combed  her platinum blonde hair with ruby-covered fingers, tipped with blood red talons.  Her scent, delicate and yet overpowering, sent FSN's head into a spin.

"Would you like to see something?" She asked in a purr. FSN only nodded. The blonde casually slipped her thumb under the shoulder strap of her dress ...

FSN found himself in a huge room. The distant memory finally got close enough for him to remember it.  He sighed a disappointed sigh.

The room was white. The walls were white, the ceiling was white, the floors were carpeted in white, so deep that, if he had physically been there, FSN would have been ankle deep.  Around the walls were white bookcases, in which stood rows and rows of books in identical white jackets, and in a distant corner stood a white Pendrakenmas elephant decorated with white lights. In the centre of the room, under a large white light stood a table, a perfect white cloth carefully draped over it. From somewhere, a piano tinkled, and female voices giggled and performed scales, warming up, presumably prior to some performance.

An elbow was thrust hard into FSN's kidney. The blonde stood beside him. She nodded to a newspaper – well the Sun – on a small white table.

"Catch up on the news." She suggested. Remarkably, FSN found he could touch the newspaper – well the Sun – (Editor's note: look, could we just call it a newspaper for the purposes of this section? Thank you Some of us have other places to be.)  – The front headline screamed "My three in a bed romp with Forum Member. It wasn't only the Forum he was high up in." beside a photograph of a young lady in her underwear. FSN read on.

"Well, well, I'd never have thought that of ..."his eye was caught by another story.

"David Beckham says 'I'm broke. That's why I made that adult film'" FSN carried on flicking through the newspaper.

"Is this you on Page 3?" He asked the blonde?

"No ... maybe ... OK yes, it is." She replied acidly.

"Do you really feel that was about the relation between quantum physics and string theory?"

"Yeah. Pretty much." She nodded he blonde locks in agreement.   

The newspaper was a revelation. He read some of the stories aloud.

"Pendraken agrees to buy last 50 Games Workshop stores. Leon signed the contract on his way to opening the Pendraken Indonesian office. In celebration, Dave is to be unchained from casting machine. He said 'First thing I'm going to do is cover my body in ...'" FSN gagged slightly.

"British education now the best in the world. Children, wishing to emulate their Pendraken heroes have taken to wargaming in a big way. This has led to an interest in history, and all those history books being read has led to literacy rates being through the roof, and a pretty good grasp of political geography. Complicated rule sets means that higher level maths is a doddle to young Brits, and the whole ethos of good clean wargaming means that racism and sexism have been almost entirely eliminated and fair play and hard work established as the way to live."

"Well, that's good news", observed FSN.  He began reading again.

" In political news, Forum Member Ithoriel may fly over to Gaza to sort out the Middle East with his philosophy of peace and understanding through wargaming.  This after a successful de-escalation of the Scottish threat to annex Middlesborough was achieved by President Sturgeon and Prime Minister Farage gaming the scenario."

"Not quite a perfect world, then." Observed the blonde, reading over FSN's shoulder.

"BBC1 is showing a new episode of 'Fenton's Fencibles' - A series in which the venerable Forum Member talks about wars that you've definitely never heard of.  Sky Wargames (formerly Sky Sports) will be showing live competition from this year's St Helens Phalanx ..."

An elbow in the kidney brought FSN's attention to the existing pain in his kidney and the entrance into the room of two people. One was FSN himself, a little older, but looking fit and groomed. He was dressed comfortably in white and accompanied by a gorgeous woman. She was dressed sensibly in knee high boots, grey knee length skirt and prim white blouse. At her throat was a black velvet band bearing a cameo of the initials FSN in a heart. Her dark hair was piled high and she wore large, dark rimmed glasses. She carried a clipboard close to her chest. The later FSN stopped and surveyed the room.

"Blasted press conferences. Hate 'em." He sighed. "Is everything ready for tonight?" As he was speaking, the women unclasped her hair and shook it down into a dark chestnut curtain. She took off her glasses and became instantly recognisable to the watching FSN as Anne Hathaway, sometime Catwoman in a film that may have had a Batman in it. Anne stood close to future FSN, her arms around him. She kissed him, the kiss a lover gives when they know there is all the time in the world. The kiss was a promise, and a pledge, full of remembered passion and a deep, deep union of souls. Watching FSN felt his collar a bit too tight – which is difficult in pyjamas. Future FSN smiled down at the actress.

"You know. If I hadn't published my collected postings on the Pendraken Forum this little Pendrakenmas gathering might never have happened."  He said, a laugh in his voice.  Anne frowned a pretty frown.

"You've only got the millions you made from that book.  Why don't you go see Leon and demand some of his fortune?" FSN laid a gentle finger on Anne's full, pouting lips. It was obviously a complaint she aired often. 

"Sweet Anne," he said. "You're forgetting the film rights." She hugged him tighter and laughed - a sweet tinkling sound.

"You're so sweet. It's no wonder I love you so much. Clooney is desperate to play you."  Future FSN shrugged deprecatingly.

"I still think Radcliffe is too old to play Leon, but McKellern is perfect for Techno. We've managed to fit Cumberbatch and Freeman in, Caine, Day-Lewis and Hopkins. Does Daniel Craig still want a part?" Anne stroked FSN's cheek.

"He does. He's quite desperate. He's sent in another audition video. This time he's trying some classic Charles Grant." Both FSNs winced.

"If we give him a cameo, will that satisfy?" She kissed him again.

"It does. He'll be so thrilled."

Their conversation was interrupted by a beautiful mezzo-soprano voice.

"That reminds me" said Anne "Nicola Benedetti says she's like to join tonight's entertainment."

"Well I can hear that Katherine Jenkins is in good voice. Just don't let her sing any of that Welsh stuff. I know she loves it, but it goes through me like lancers through militia. Who else have we got? "

"Just the usual. Myleene Klass and Danielle de Niese." Future FSN considered.

"OK, Benedetti is in – but only if she wears blue – and no water fights this time." Watching FSN gurgled.

"Who's playing tonight?" Asked future FSN.

Anne pulled at a discretely located lever and the cloth rose from the table, revealing a 10' x 6' wargames table, set ready to play.

"Bleheim." Said watching FSN, knowledgeably.

"Mareth Line." Said future FSN, leaning over the table. The blonde tutted.

"Blenheim was a code name for that part of the Mareth Line." Protested FSN to the blonde. She arched a perfect eyebrow.

"Well ... it was my code name ..." FSN trailed off as the second eyebrow rose.

"Scarlett and Keira will be up against ... " Anne consulted the clipboard "... newcomers Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman."

"Scarlett's proving to be a devil with armour, and Keira knows how to use a box barrage. Wonder what they'd be like with hussars and horse artillery?"

"They've asked if that can play forfeit rules again." Anne bit her lip uncertainly with pretty white teeth.

"I don't know." Mused future FSN. "Strip wargaming just isn't right somehow."  Watching FSN groaned. "Oh! OK – it's Pendrakenmas. If it makes them happy." 

Watching FSN fainted.

When he awoke, which may have been seconds or hours later, he had no way of knowing, he was in his own room. The blonde stood by his bed.

"Too much for you?" She asked sympathetically. FSN nodded miserably.

"Poor you." She pouted those blood red lips. "But you seem to cope." FSN brightened at the thought.

"Well, got to be going." The blonde sashayed in slow majestic curves to the cupboard, now standing open, large gouges in the frame.       

"Spirit!" called FSN tremulously from his bed. "Spirit!" She turned. "You did not tell me your name, Spirit!"

"Me?" She shrugged an elegant shoulder. "I'm the Spirit of Pendrakenmas Never Going to Happen."

"Yes, Milday." Said FSN.

[Techno]

 
Superb !!
Cheers - Phil

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

Brilliant.
It's allegorical, but make of that what you will.

[Westmarcher]

No, I don't think 'allegorical' is the word that jumps into fsn's mind when he sees Anne Hathaway.  I'm sure the word is .... master ... (clicks fingers) .. master .. (rack's brain) .. master .........
.. masterly! (obviously thinking of her performance in Les Miserables - incidentally, didn't her teeth grow back in well?) 

[fsn]