German Jokes

[Orcs]

To help Szymon feel part of the Forum it is only right that I put up a few German jokes.

There are a lot less than I found, but even i had to edit them - although some were rather funny.

I am sure Leon can explain any you do not understand.

Q: What do you call a pissed off German?
A: Sauerkraut.

Q: Why do they bury Germans 20 meters underground?
A: Because deep down they are really nice.

Q: How do Germans tie their shoes?
A: With little knotsies

Q: What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff?
A: "Look, mother, no Hans!"

Q: Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
A: Germans like to march in the shade.

Q: Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?
A: The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

Q: What's the difference between German striker Miroslav Klose and a puppy?
A: A puppy will eventually stop whining.


Q: What do you call an German in the World Cup final?
A: A Referee.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

Q: How do you get rid of aristocratic Germans?
A: Von by von.

Q: What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
A: Vee haf vays to make you tock

Q: How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin?
A: First, invade ze kitchen.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the German beauty contest?
A: Me neither.


Olympic Stadium
Man walking past the olympic stadium carrying a long case is collarred by a guard.

"Are you a pole-volter?" the guard asks

The man replies "No, I'm German actually; but how did you know my name was Walter"


A German is driving his car in Britain. A British cop pulls him over to the side of the road.

Cop: "Sir, do you realize that there are two poisonous snakes on your windshield?"

The German: "Off course! Zey are my vinscreen vipers!"


Capital

Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door.
"God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Hamburg the capital of Germany."
"Fred," said his father, "Why do you want Hamburg to be the capital of Germany?"
"Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"

Zwei alte Damen und ein Kondom!

Zwei alte Damen sitzen auf einer Parkbank und rauchen ihre Zigaretten, als es plötzlich zu regnen beginnt. Die erste alte Dame holt ein Kondom heraus, zieht es über ihre Zigarette und raucht weiter. Die zweite alte Dame fragt ganz erstaunt: "Was ist das?" Die erste alte Dame antwortet: "Das ist ein Kondom." Zweite alte Dame: "Wo kann ich eins kaufen?" Erste alte Dame: "In der Apotheke." Also macht sie sich auf den Weg zur Apotheke, um sich eine Packung zu besorgen. Sie geht in die Apotheke und bittet den Apotheker um eine Packung Kondome. Der Apotheker ist ziemlich verwundert über die Anfrage, weil sie ja schon über 80 Jahre alt ist. Er fragt sie: "Welche Größe?" Und sie antwortet: "Oh, das ist mir egal, solange es einem Kamel passt – Äh, ich meine über eine Camel passt."

[Leman]

Bit disappointed with the last QA as I've had three German girlfriends in my youth. Are Heidi Klum and Claudia Schiffer not German then?

[Szymon]

Very funny 

Did I mention already that I am Polish though ? 

[Orcs]

Very funny 

Did I mention already that I am Polish though ? 

Right Time to look for Polish jokes

[Ithoriel]

Polish Jokes ....

Q: Did you hear about the Pole who thought his wife was trying to kill him?
A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".

Q: How do you sink a Polish battleship?
A: Put it in water.

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.

Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.

Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ?
A: Because they can't spell toboggan.

Q: Did you hear about the Pole who married an Amish woman?
A: He drove her buggy.

Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used?
A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

Q: Did you know that Russia just bought 12,000 Septic Tanks?
A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade Poland.

Q: What does a Polish bride gets on her wedding night that's long and hard?
A: A new last name.

Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Hindu.

Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"

Q: Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?
A: Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.

[Ithoriel]

Szymon, feel free to retaliate with some Scotsman jokes

[Szymon]

Szymon, feel free to retaliate with some Scotsman jokes

I would if I knew any  Besides, Scots are nice people !

[Orcs]

Szymon, feel free to retaliate with some Scotsman jokes

Just feel free to retalliate. 

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Besides, Scots are nice people !

No - almost as bad as the Welsh.

IanS

[Ithoriel]

Szymon - an English view of the rest of the human race

A Song of Patriotic Prejudice
by Flanders & Swan

The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.

The rottenest bits of these islands of ours
We've left in the hands of three unfriendly powers
Examine the Irishman, Welshman or Scot
You'll find he's a stinker, as likely as not.

The Scotsman is mean, as we're all well aware
And bony and blotchy and covered with hair
He eats salted porridge, he works all the day
And he hasn't got bishops to show him the way!

The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.

The Irishman now our contempt is beneath
He sleeps in his boots and he lies through his teeth
He blows up policemen, or so I have heard
And blames it on Cromwell and William the Third!

The English are noble, the English are nice,
And worth any other at double the price

The Welshman's dishonest and cheats when he can
And little and dark, more like monkey than man
He works underground with a lamp in his hat
And he sings far too loud, far too often, and flat!

And crossing the Channel, one cannot say much
Of French and the Spanish, the Danish or Dutch
The Germans are German, the Russians are Red,
And the Greeks and Italians eat garlic in bed!

The English are moral, the English are good
And clever and modest and misunderstood.

And all the world over, each nation's the same
They've simply no notion of playing the game
They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won
And they practice beforehand which ruins the fun!

The English, the English, the English are best
So up with the English and down with the rest.

It's not that they're wicked or naturally bad
It's knowing they're foreign that makes them so mad!

[fsn]

I would if I knew any   Besides, Scots are nice people !

That's because you're Polish or German or just not English. Generally Scots don't really like the English because of ... well the time between when the Romans left and the recent referendum.


Stirring the pot since 1961 - FSN

[FierceKitty]

Scots are the one tribe about whom the stereotypes are mainly true, if I may judge by the one I usually end up sitting next to on the 'bus Monday evenings en route home.

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

The full version of "The English are best"

Congratulations sir.

IanS

[Szymon]

Szymon - an English view of the rest of the human race

A Song of Patriotic Prejudice
by Flanders & Swan

The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.

The rottenest bits of these islands of ours
We've left in the hands of three unfriendly powers
Examine the Irishman, Welshman or Scot
You'll find he's a stinker, as likely as not.

The Scotsman is mean, as we're all well aware
And bony and blotchy and covered with hair
He eats salted porridge, he works all the day
And he hasn't got bishops to show him the way!

The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.

The Irishman now our contempt is beneath
He sleeps in his boots and he lies through his teeth
He blows up policemen, or so I have heard
And blames it on Cromwell and William the Third!

The English are noble, the English are nice,
And worth any other at double the price

The Welshman's dishonest and cheats when he can
And little and dark, more like monkey than man
He works underground with a lamp in his hat
And he sings far too loud, far too often, and flat!

And crossing the Channel, one cannot say much
Of French and the Spanish, the Danish or Dutch
The Germans are German, the Russians are Red,
And the Greeks and Italians eat garlic in bed!

The English are moral, the English are good
And clever and modest and misunderstood.

And all the world over, each nation's the same
They've simply no notion of playing the game
They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won
And they practice beforehand which ruins the fun!

The English, the English, the English are best
So up with the English and down with the rest.

It's not that they're wicked or naturally bad
It's knowing they're foreign that makes them so mad!

Cute 

[Szymon]

That's because you're Polish or German or just not English. Generally Scots don't really like the English because of ... well the time between when the Romans left and the recent referendum.


Stirring the pot since 1961 - FSN

I am aware of that  One of the first things I and Leon discussed when I arrived was the Scottish referendum and the historical inaccuracies in Brave Heart