Jokes

[Ferb]

So a man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter.
There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?"
St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell.
Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved.
Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice."
The man then asks, "So where is Tony Blair's clock?"
St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

[skywalker]

 
Another great post to brighten my dull lunch breaks