Started by Orcs, 01 December 2021, 08:06:33 AM

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1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 

3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson


Oldies but goodies! :)

I'll add

If olive oil is made from olives and sunflower oil is made from sunflowers .... I'm never using baby oil again!

If a pig loses it's voice do vets apply oinkment? Or do they just leave them disgruntled?

How many roads must a man walk down before he'll ask for directions.

If someone who studies birds is a birder, what does that make someone who studies bugs?

I have the heart of a lion, the face of an angel and the body of a young adonis .... and a lifetime ban from the zoo, a criminal record for defacing a tombstone and the police are digging up my garden!
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is entirely optional!


Ithoriel, DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM!!!!!!!

Lord Kermit of Birkenhead

Lord Kermit of Birkenhead
Muppet of the year 2019, 2020 and 2021