Jokes

Started by Orcs, 21 October 2019, 11:42:07 AM

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Ithoriel

If herds of cows are raised by cowherders why aren't flocks of sheep raised by sheepflockers?
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is entirely optional!

d_Guy

X_X  =O

Actually, your long post was waaaay better than the course I had in Political Economics and more understandable
Sleep with clean hands ...

Raider4

I got a bollocking at work once for daring to put a sign on my desk:

If a tidy desk is the sign of a tidy mind,
what does an empty desk signify?

Yes, this was after some numpty in management had been on a course, and had come back and tried to implement a clean-desk policy.
ISO 3103 Certified

Orcs

The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Ithoriel

The signs where I worked tended to be

"The beatings will continue until morale improves"
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is entirely optional!

Lord Kermit of Birkenhead

I knew education in Scotland was somewhat backward  :d
FOG IN CHANNEL - EUROPE CUT
Lord Kermit of Birkenhead
Muppet of the year 2019, 2020 and 2021

Phil2

I'm still watching you all, to help Sir  :P

But you haven't sussed that.....yet.  :D

The artist formally known as Techno.


Ithoriel

QuoteI knew education in Scotland was somewhat backward  :d

It was a company based in and run from England. :P

Also, I've experienced both English and Scottish education and infinitely preferred the latter. What's your qualification for comment? :)
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is entirely optional!

Lord Kermit of Birkenhead

Quote from: Phil2 on 15 January 2022, 04:23:03 PMI'm still watching you all, to help Sir  :P

But you haven't sussed that.....yet.  :D

The artist formally known as Techno.



Nice to see you back !
FOG IN CHANNEL - EUROPE CUT
Lord Kermit of Birkenhead
Muppet of the year 2019, 2020 and 2021

Ithoriel

Filched from Reddit

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife.

My girlfriend was really upset last week, her dog that she'd had for 12 years died :(
To cheer her up, i bought her an identical one.
She yelled,"You idiot, what am i going to do with two dead dogs?!"

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Give him a fishing rod and he'll steal your car keys from your hall table.

Two birds sitting on a perch, one says to the other, "I can smell fish."

I got offered 8 legs of venison for £40 in the pub last night. Is that 2 dear?

Two elephants fall off a cliff.
BOOM BOOM!


Growing old is mandatory, growing up is entirely optional!

Lord Speedy of Leighton

Two fish in a tank, one says:
"How do we drive this thing?"
You may refer to me as: Lord Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

Last Hussar

My therapist says I'm paranoid.

Well, he doesn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
I have neither the time or the crayons to explain why you are wrong.

Orcs

Quote from: Last Hussar on 26 January 2022, 05:55:33 PMMy therapist says I'm paranoid.

Well, he doesn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

Well you know what they say, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you"
The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson