How Football Sounds To People That Don't Care
Firstly, imagine every time within a day that football is mentioned by someone else. Secondly, replace it with something that you don't want to hear about every day. Say... Archaeology. Then, think carefully about how an average day would pan out.
So, you awaken to the clock radio. It's 7AM. Just as you awaken, it's time for the news and archaeology already. Not news and other historical investigations, like library restorations or museum openings (unless there's another event happening), but just the news and archaelogy. Malaysian plane is still missing. Pistorius is still on trial. New dig announced in Giza. Ancient Mayan temple discovered. Exciting stuff.
Time for a bite to eat over the morning TV. More news. More archaeology. Yes, you are aware of what is up with the missing plane. Fine. Now the archaeology in video format. Video of people dusting off some skulls and bits of pottery. All well and good, but archaeology isn't your thing. It would be nice to hear about something else.
Even when it isn't archaeology season, the media follow noted archaeologists. They drive fast cars, date beautiful women, advertise fragrances, and sometimes they go to nightclubs and act in the worst possible way. Scandals erupt as the tabloids follow these new celebrities when they're not searching the past for answers. It is entirely possible you can recite the names of certain researchers, even if you don't pay attention to archaeology. You don't know what transfer season is, but you know that someone was transferred to a dig in Peru for a sum of money that could fund the London Underground for two whole days.
Out of the car at 8:55 and into work. What are the colleagues talking about, I wonder? Oh, Jones dropped a 3,890 year old pot and smashed it? What a useless winker! Someone should do something unpleasant to him. And don't even ask about the unfortunate incident in Athens two years ago - you'll be there all day! Breaking a pillar like that! We don't talk about that here, mate. What? You don't want to discuss the finer points of the prevalence of phallic imagery in Pompeii? Is there something wrong with you?
The drive home from work. Every thirty minutes, no matter the station, someone mentions the archaeology. Best sit in silence. Drive past a huge billboard with a black and white picture of a rakishly handsome archaeologist draped over an impossibly beautiful woman. He's winking at you. Trowel in his left hand, supermodel in the right. Jurassic, by Calvin Klein.
And now the pub. A nice pub with a beer garden. Posters in the windows. LIVE EXCAVATION AT THE VALLEY OF THE KINGS! All of it on a huge TV with the volume up too loud. Drunken people yelling at the screen. "SEND IT FOR CARBON DATING, YOU USELESS ***K!" "WHAT ARE YOU ON, MATE? DUST THE ANCIENT MEDALLION GENTLY! SMELTING METHODS OF THE TIME PRODUCED VERY SOFT AND IMPURE METALS EASILY PRONE TO DISFIGURATION!" All this from two men out of a crowd of twenty. One lousy drunken idiot and his chum ruin the image of other archaeology fans. Carbon dating report from the lab updates on TV, read by a man employed because they've been following the beautiful science since they were a boy. The drunk chimes in again. "WHAT PHARAOH'S REIGN DID YOU SAY? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT THE UNDERPINNINGS OF OUR THEORY OF AGRICULTURAL DEVELOPMENT OF 4TH BC EGYPT? GET IN, MATE!" A cheer cascades through the building and you can only wonder why.
Best go home and avoid anyone who might be drinking and singing. You once met a disagreeable chap who threatened to beat you up because you didn't watch the archaeology. "Not a late paleolithic era supporter are you? Think you're better than me? I'll have you, you scrawny tw*t!"
To bed. To repeat the cycle tomorrow. The inescapable, inevitability that wherever you go, someone, somewhere, is just dying to talk to you about the archaeology.
Funnily enough I just got sent this to me as my wife is an archaeologist :) it is very true though
Nobody would talk to an archaeological friend of mine after he surprised people with a slide show of Kassite ceramic wall-pins after a dinner party. But he was from Oxford, so his conversation wasn't much of a loss anyway.
This is so true - there's still about a month to go before it even starts, and I'm already seeing stupid adverts that grate. Looks like a long summer...
Quote from: cra1gwt on 14 May 2014, 05:41:56 AM
This is so true - there's still about a month to go before it even starts, and I'm already seeing stupid adverts that grate. Looks like a long summer...
Turn off TV, pick up a book or paint brush ;) :D
I would quite happily listen and watch both
Even out here, one sees a lot of worthy Siamese in Manchester United tee-shirts.
Quote from: FierceKitty on 14 May 2014, 09:00:53 AM
Even out here, one sees a lot of worthy Siamese in Manchester United tee-shirts.
I never thought that breed had much intelligence. :P
That's my wife you're talking about!
Why, does she have a black tail and ears?
Awww, sweeeeet....
Football doesn't bother me, it's golf talk at my work that pushes me to the brink of despair!
Golfers - people so stupid that they take 25 hours to plan a morning round at a local course.........
IanS
Outsiders have been known to say things about our hobby showing a less than perfect understanding of its many good points.
I'm invited to contribute some hard labour on a dig on the Antonine Wall this summer which will fill in the gap between bouts of despair following the fortunes of East Stirlingshire FC. Makes everyone happy, I suppose.
Quote from: Maj Gen von Wedel-Wedelsborg on 14 May 2014, 04:15:01 PM
I'm invited to contribute some hard labour on a dig on the Antonine Wall this summer which will fill in the gap between bouts of despair following the fortunes of East Stirlingshire FC. Makes everyone happy, I suppose.
So
YOUR the fan
Well, about 250 at most matches. In mitigation my grandparents were season ticket holders back in the day (even before Sir Alex was the manager!) It is, as we say here, a sair fecht.
Are they doing some digging at the Antonine Wall? I think I completely missed that.
Behind the Erskine Church this July--12th to 26th. On the edge of the Roman fort at Falkirk, Craig (and, by the way, I'm Allan from FDWC).
Hi Allan! Good to know you're knocking about :)
Strangely enough I did the same thing last world cup - but used flower arranging ...
"... and now on Today, it's 6:30, so it's all the Flower Arranging with Muriel."
"Thank you John. Today's headlines – 'Might Mo' has aphid problem in Rome, concerns about the water ion levels for the Stirling Lilies in the Cherry Blossom in Bangladesh, but the lead story is Janice Spinks' bruised index finger..."
"The paper review. We'll start with the back pages, where all the papers today lead on the national outpouring of concern for Janice Spinks' bruised index finger. You will remember of course she bruised the same finger before the 2008 Iris Cup and was effectively ruled out of the competition. The Sun carries the same story on pages 32 to 48."
"Further down, there are good news rumours that the Golden Team, the 2009 Scottish World Shield winners are all to be made Dames of the British Empire in ..."
"On the front page everyone is talking about the wedding of 'Poppy' to her long time partner Mary Prentice. Lovely picture of them there, the flowers were arranged by Janice Spinks, and the editorial asks if this contributed to the national disaster that is her bruised finger."
"Later on, we'll be talking to the woman who organises the practice tulips for the Welsh under 16's about same sex relationships in flower arranging."
"The headlines at seven o'clock. Janice Spinks remains in hospital awaiting a specialist being flown in from the Netherlands. Members of the Scottish team have visited Janice, and as they left they gave an impromptu display with some of the thousands of flowers left outside by well wishers. One message from a six year old girl said that she was praying that Janice would recover, because without her the Scottish team may not be able to repeat the World Shield victories of 1965, 1969, and the five times since. In other news interest rates rose to 6% as ..."
"A new perfume from Marissa Booth, the bottle shaped like one of her trademark daffodils ..."
"On Good Morning, we ask why don't males understand the Orchid Rule? Can you explain it to your man in less than 30 seconds?"
"The news at noon. There's still no word on Janice Spinks' bruised index finger. There are growing fears she may not be able to arrange in Saturday's European Quarter Finals to be held in Manchester. The Prime Minister sent his get well wishes and the Leader of the Opposition said the whole country wished Janice well. It has been announced that interest rates have risen to 8% ..."
"In local news, a traffic reduction scheme for the period of the European Quarter Finals means that people whose surname begins A to M are forbidden to drive in Manchester on Friday, and surnames N to Z are forbidden on Saturday. This will improve air quality, so vital to those delicate blooms, by 0.01. This could give the English arrangers a feeling of home advantage, but of course Scottish arrangers are used to better air quality than this. If anything, this may favour the Norwegian girls ..."
"On BBC tonight. At 8 Panorama investigates the crisis in men's flower arranging. Why doesn't it get as much TV coverage as women's arranging, and what can be done to encourage boys into competitive flower arranging? After that, and in place of 'Match of the Day' we will be showing the arrival of the flowers for the Quarter Finals in Manchester. Then at 10:50 the big film is 'Mean Magnolias', the story of Champion US Magnolia Arranger, 'Switcher' Martin, played by Jennifer Garner, who is wrongly accused of a crime and sentenced to a term in prison. There she must whip a team of cons into an American Magnolia Arranging team to take on a team of guards."
"iPM on Saturday will have to make way for live coverage of the practice arrangements in the Asian Cherry Blossom 3rd Round in Bangladesh. British interest there is of course from the Stirling team, and you can hear the whole thing from vase inspection to the final axilla brushing, with post arrangement commentary and interviews from 4 am until 7.30, and then from 7.30 on ..."
"... and the question for this Pointless final concerns 'Iris Cup Winners'. We're looking for Scottish winners of the Rose Award of the Iris Cup since 1974. Richard .."
"At 6 o'clock the news headlines. Janice Spinks remains in hospital waiting the results of tests on her bruised finger. The Scotland manager Millie McPhie gave a press conference in which she said that Janice's finger was responding well to treatment, and she was sure to turn out with the Scotland squad for the quarter finals. In other news, within the last hour, interest rates have been raised to 9% ..."
"On Celebrity Chef Dancing on Ice tonight, Isadora Pomfrett swaps her secateurs for sequins ..."
"The headlines at 9 o'clock. Relief as Janice Spinks is released from hospital. The BBC has lost its broadcast rights to the World Flower Arranging Shield next year to Sky Arranging. Interest rates hit 9.5% in a dramatic ..."
"David and Samantha Cameron were at an Arranging Academy in Stirling today, where they shuffled a few stalks with the children. "
"... and the weather. Cornwall will be swept away in floods and tempests, but on the positive, it looks like it will clear the air for the Scottish team in Manchester on Saturday."
"It's midnight, here on Radio 5 Arranging Extra. From now until 2a.m. it'll be your chance to tell us how you think the Scottish team will perform on Saturday. Will the return of Janice Spinks give the Thistles a boost? They've been a bit lacklustre lately, squeezing out a 6.5 to 2.7 win against England in last week's friendly. Should Minnie have played a stronger foliage pairing? She played Foster in the Iris and Forget-me-not, when it's well known she's much happier in and around the rosebuds. Still, who could forget last year's 8.2 to 1.1 drubbing of the Mostly Blues? Can Spinks pull off another grade 3 diffusion given concerns about the quality of this year's Honesty? There have been complaints about the tones available on the UFAA's standardised vases, and the impact of the foam and pre-soaking rule changes have yet to be assessed."
"But what do you think? Here's Betty from Luton ..."
Sorry he said, getting his apology in first.
Thank God for football, I say. It appeals to all levels of society and is one of the more common conversation opening questions. Personally, I can't wait until the World Cup starts. Love me football (the proper one not the foreign version). I doubt if I'll watch the lower end of the scale matches but for all the biggies I'll be there in front of the box with my mug of tea watching with interest as the best exponents of the beautiful game on the planet take to the stage. Followed West Ham since 1966 after watching the Irons trio of Hurst, Peters and the incomparable Bobby Moore helped England win the title. Not sure about some of the current lot though.
The only thing that really, really bogs me off is when supporters talk using 'we' as in 'we played well on Saturday' when referring to their team as if they personally had anything to do with it. To my mind these people need to get a life as opposed to living a footballer managers life for him.
Quote from: FierceKitty on 14 May 2014, 09:31:12 AM
Quote from: Hertsblue on 14 May 2014, 09:20:47 AM
I never thought that breed had much intelligence. :P
That's my wife you're talking about!
So you are agreeing with Hertsblue then ;D
I want to live in the world of news and archaeology please!
I second that! Could we just have a TV channel dedicated to Lucy Worsley, Prof Francesca, Mary Beard, Bethany Hughes and the like?
Quote from: fsn on 14 May 2014, 08:52:37 PM
I second that! Could we just have a TV channel dedicated to Lucy Worsley, Prof Francesca, Mary Beard, Bethany Hughes and the like?
Sod that! I want a world where showing the World Cup final is postponed by a fortnight because they just discovered that Richard III is buried in a car park!!
Quote from: Ithoriel on 14 May 2014, 09:34:35 PM
Sod that! I want a world where showing the World Cup final is postponed by a fortnight because they just discovered that Richard III is buried in a car park!!
Only a fortnight ;D
'Fraid I won't be tempted to stay up to watch anything live, this particular time.
Might listen to some of it on the radio, as I drift off to sleep.
Cheers - Phil
Quote from: Ithoriel on 14 May 2014, 09:34:35 PM
Sod that! I want a world where showing the World Cup final is postponed by a fortnight because they just discovered that Richard III is buried in a car park!!
Uh oh. I agree with you about this.
What utter tosh! There were, at the last count, well over a hundred channels on UK television. If you can't find an alternative to football on any of them you're just not trying. As for the clips and mentions on the news, why should they be any more irritating than the results of the latest insipid "reality" show or gossip about some famous-for-fifteen-minutes "celebrity". Get over yourselves.
Can't wait for the World cup, especially since England have no hope what-so-ever I feel like I can enjoy it more without incredulous over-expectation from the media.
The games are on BBC1 and ITV and there is never anything good to watch on those channels anyway (unless you like 'Eastenders' 'Coronation street' and 'come dine my fat dog with neighbours from hell while baking off with ant and dec)
QuoteThere were, at the last count, well over a hundred channels on UK television
None of which were showing anything worth watching last night, BBC4 had a program on a lost city of pyramids in Northern Peru which should have been intersting but turned out to be 15 minutes of actual interest with a lot of padding and dodgy reconstructions, even archiology ain't what it used to be.
On the positive side I did cook a very nice steak, have a couple of glasses of excellent wine, paint the trousers on my next battalion of French 1914 infantry get the packing done for going to Normandy on Saturday.
FORGET TELLY, RECLAIM YOUR LIFE :D
Well, I'm exploring the possibilities inherent in Asian mushrooms as a pizza topping this evening, now that the little lady has finished baking her profiteroles. And we may play some shogi later on....
Quote from: Matt of Munslow on 15 May 2014, 09:35:19 AM
Can't wait for the World cup, especially since England have no hope what-so-ever I feel like I can enjoy it more without incredulous over-expectation from the media.
The games are on BBC1 and ITV ...
I'm quite looking forward to it as well, as the games are all in the evening/night, so I'll be able to watch some for a change!
QuoteI'm quite looking forward to it as well, as the games are all in the evening/night, so I'll be able to watch some for a change
is that because you're at work at that time ;)
QuoteWell, I'm exploring the possibilities inherent in Asian mushrooms as a pizza topping this evening
Are they like 'magic mushrooms'?
Quote from: Matt of Munslow on 15 May 2014, 12:19:01 PM
is that because you're at work at that time ;)
No TV at work unfortunately (except online through the computer), but I'm hoping to be able to get some early finishes and get home for some of the games. The first one is the same day as the Phalanx show, so I'll try and stay awake after we get home for that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MusyO7J2inM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MusyO7J2inM)
Quote from: FierceKitty on 15 May 2014, 10:12:45 AM
And we may play some shogi later on....
Is that a euphemism? ;)
i) The magic in the mushrooms was purely culinary; ii) the activities for which it might have been a euphemism have already been right thoroughly attended to, thank you for the thought.
We get quite a few folk wandering over the fields and the common, over the road, picking different types of those 'growing wild' over here.
And NO....I do NOT try ANY of them....Though there are certain ones that I can identify...with a 99% certainty.
(I wouldn't eat ANY sort of 'mushroom', if I hadn't bought it from the supermarket.....It's the 1% that might kill me, that I worry about !)
Cheers - Phil
I can identify two edible types, and in my mushrooming days I kept rigidly to those.
Just so much that can go wrong with mushrooming. Apart from the obvious puffball I stay well away.
The 'neighbours', 600 yards over the road, get a lot of HUGE (almost dinner plate sized) edible mushrooms in their fields, at the right time of year....They eat them....I wouldn't.
Cheers - Phil
Quote from: Techno on 15 May 2014, 07:22:28 PM
The 'neighbours', 600 yards over the road, get a lot of HUGE (almost dinner plate sized) edible mushrooms in their fields, at the right time of year....They eat them....I wouldn't.
Cheers - Phil
You don't know what you're missing, Phil. Fresh-picked wild mushrooms fried up in butter - yum!
16th century praise of football
Brissit, brawnis and broken banis,
Stryf, discorde and waistie wanis,
Cruikit in eild syn halt withall,
Thir are the bewties of the fute ball.
Or, for those whose English isn't up to the job:
Ribs in plaster, bruises and bumps,
Fighting yobs and pointless thumps,
Players in wheelchairs with legs f***ed-up:
These are the joys of the FA cup!
(loosely translated)
QuoteIt's the 1% that might kill me, that I worry about
But I bet you'd jump at a 99% certain dice roll in a game ;) afterall, what coule possible go wrong???
Quote from: FierceKitty on 16 May 2014, 08:31:44 AM
16th century praise of football
Brissit, brawnis and broken banis,
Stryf, discorde and waistie wanis,
Cruikit in eild syn halt withall,
Thir are the bewties of the fute ball.
Or, for those whose English isn't up to the job:
Ribs in plaster, bruises and bumps,
Fighting yobs and pointless thumps,
Players in wheelchairs with legs f***ed-up:
These are the joys of the FA cup!
(loosely translated)
Yes, but in the 15th century "football" was more like Rugby only more violent. It was only in the late eighteen hundreds that that hacking shins was banned.
Quote from: DanJ on 16 May 2014, 08:39:20 AM
But I bet you'd jump at a 99% certain dice roll in a game ;) afterall, what coule possible go wrong???
I 'killed' two horses instead of the riders in an ECW battle.....Rather sad that I can still remember that !! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Cheers - Phil
Quote from: Hertsblue on 16 May 2014, 08:55:16 AM
Yes, but in the 15th century "football" was more like Rugby only more violent. It was only in the late eighteen hundreds that that hacking shins was banned.
I would have said it was a lot later than that. Try watching the 1970 Celtic v Leeds European Cup Semi-Final without saying 'Ouch, that must have hurt' at least half a dozen times. Nowadays the match would have to be abandoned due to lack of players because of the number of red cards!
Not to mention the Chelsea, Leeds Cup final replay at Old Tradfford, all those years ago.....Same sort of issues as the above !
Cheers - Phil
Yes, but up to the late nineteenth century hacking was regarded in some parts as an essential skill. Personally I'd have worn cricket pads. X_X X_X X_X
Was at Goodison Park yesterday - 1900 boots looked appalling.....
Solid brown leather with leather sole and 1/2" studs.
IanS
My first pair of boots had solid toecaps and laced up high on the ankles. Like walking in leg-irons. :o
Talking about football in a "there's too much football" thread .... Oh, the humanity! :P
Going to watch the Cup Final in a bit. Want Hull to win because they are the underdogs but I want Wenger to win because of what he has done at Arsenal. I can't stand Arsenal but I like Wenger. Go figure.
Very similar feelings here too, 'S'.........Got the added incentive to hope Arsenal win, as Mrs T has them as her favourites.
Cheers - Phil.
Mrs Thatcher liked Arsenal????? :o
My aunt, uncle, cousin and her husband have travelled down from Hull today.
What with the Hull Rugby game on too, it must be pretty quiet there today! ;)
It was pretty quiet in east Herts, come to that.
I remember when football was a full contact sport. Not the game for delicate flowers it is now.
Yes, and all creativity and skill was clogged out of the game by licensed thugs, leaving us trailing miserably behind the rest of the footballing world.
Quote from: Steeleye on 18 May 2014, 05:18:41 AM
I remember when football was a full contact sport. Not the game for delicate flowers it is now.
Oh, the halcyon days of watching characters with such marvellously evocative names such as 'Chopper' Harris and Norman 'Bites Yer Legs' Hunter.
Quote from: Hertsblue on 18 May 2014, 09:11:57 AM
Yes, and all creativity and skill was clogged out of the game by licensed thugs, leaving us trailing miserably behind the rest of the footballing world.
They might have been licensed thugs but at least they were honest licensed thugs, most of them were rock-hard, no-nonsense tacklers and you knew what you were going up against. Unfortunately, since then and with with the massive influx of foreign players -who have influenced some of the home grown talent, it must be said- the sneakiness, underhandedness and blatant cheating that goes on in matches is reprehensible. If being honest means that we were left behind then it is a sad indictment on the game and it must be up to the sports governing bodies like the FA and FIFA to sort it out.
Sorry, rant over.
...and breathe...
Have not watched the FA cup final for about a decade and don't miss it at all. Was at a swimming gala watching my daughter yesterday much more interesting. I'd actually prefer the news to talk about archaeology rather than football.
Quote from: NTM on 18 May 2014, 09:49:14 AM
Have not watched the FA cup final for about a decade and don't miss it at all. Was at a swimming gala watching my daughter yesterday much more interesting. I'd actually prefer the news to talk about archaeology rather than football.
Careful, you may be suffering from intelligence!
Quote from: FierceKitty on 18 May 2014, 09:52:21 AM
Careful, you may be suffering from intelligence!
That's an instant ban on here.
IanS ;)
Quote from: NTM on 18 May 2014, 09:49:14 AM
Have not watched the FA cup final for about a decade and don't miss it at all. Was at a swimming gala watching my daughter yesterday much more interesting. I'd actually prefer the news to talk about archaeology rather than football.
(http://cdni.wired.co.uk/620x413/k_n/Like_1.jpg)
As an ex-archaeologist i heartily agree.
Or ANY topic of value. Why don't we hear, 'and now over to Jeff for the science news', or, 'and now here's Jenny with the latest developments in philosophical remodernism'.?
Quote from: Luddite on 18 May 2014, 11:42:15 AM
As an ex-archaeologist i heartily agree.
Or ANY topic of value. Why don't we hear, 'and now over to Jeff for the science news', or, 'and now here's Jenny with the latest developments in philosophical remodernism'.?
Possibly because the mass of their viewers are more interested in the results of the latest insipid "reality" show or gossip about the latest famous-for-fifteen-minutes "celebrity".
No one ever went broke by underestimating the intelligence of the great British public. Public school educated particularly.
IanS ;)