These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she has always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do he sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go...? - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
:D
"He's quite clearly intoxicated by the exuberence of his own verbosity."
"I wouldn't follow that officer. Not even out of curiosity."
"He sets himself low standards. And fails to achieve them."
Bessie Braddock: "Sir, you are drunk"
Winston Churchill: "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober"
"A modest little man, with much to be modest about" Churchill on Attlee
Some people drink deep from the fount of wisdom. He gargled.
Great thread Nik!! :D
...and the classic British Royal Navy Performance Evaluations
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
And some classic Churchill quotes:
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.
In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.
The biggest argument against democracy is a five minute discussion with the average voter.
We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.
If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.
I am prepared to meet my maker; whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.
A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to pull himself up by the handles.
There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.
The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.
A modest man, who has much to be modest about. (Referring to Clement Attlee)
A sheep in sheep’s clothing. (Referring to Ramsay MacDonald)
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. (Referring to Sir Stafford Cripps)
He is the man who brought pederasty into disrepute. (Referring to Tom Driberg)
He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. (Referring to Charles De Gaulle)
If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job. (Referring to Arthur Balfour)
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it
Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.
Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.
Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.
There but for the grace of God, goes God
A few others:
"I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork." Irving Brecher
"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?" Charles Pierce
"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech." George Bernard Shaw
"He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career." George Bernard Shaw
Thanks for these, some known, some unknown, some good for a chuckle, other to ponder for a while.
This still remains true, but it seems the last bit is now often neglected (present writer not excluded!):
Winston Churchill:
“It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. The quotations, when engraved upon the memory, give you good thoughts. They also make you anxious to read the authors and look for more.â€
The Churchill one-liners and put-downs are just brilliant :).
Excellent! I love elegant insulting :D
"If one smells fromage, poketh out his eye with pointed stick." :D
"If one espies too much text stop reading and reach into fridge for more beer."
-I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
-I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
-Is that your face or did your neck just puke?
-Nice hairdo, when's it being finished?
-You are about as deep as your reflection in a mirror.
-You're so fat that your husband rolled over after sex, rolled over again and was STILL on top of you
-Has your carer got the night off?
-You're riding the crest of a slump?
-When your IQ gets to 50 you should sell
-You should not be allowed to breed
-You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
-Your so dense, light must bend around you
-You smell nice, did you run here?
-And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
-Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
-If I throw a stick, will you leave?
-I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth
-I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant
From Blackadder to his sidekick/servant Baldrick.
Ah - it's time for us to meet our maker - in my case God, in your case, God knows.
God is supposed to have made man in his own image. It would be a great shock to Christians everywhere if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.
Blackadder - Baldrick, you're fired.
Baldrick - (aghast) Oh, but I've been in your family since 1532!
Blackadder - So has syphilis. Now get out.
To other, unsuspecting cast members...
Prince Ludwig - Ah - you think you're clever, huh? Do you?
Blackadder - Well, I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.
Mrs Miggins, if we were the last three humans on earth, I'd be trying to start a family with Baldrick
"Like savaged by an ederly Sheep" - said of Lord Howe when maggies chncellor.
IanS