During the lockdown I have been watching a number of Hollywood Films, and I have learnt much:
- One must go to bed with a member of the opposite sex within half an hour of meeting
- During sex, one must always keep on one's underwear
- Married couples don't have sex
- Never lock your car
- If your car doesn't start the two most common problems are a) being pursued by zombies, assassins or the Mafia or b) your car has a bomb in it ... and when your car starts ... boom!
- A man with a pistol will beat a man with a sub-machine gun every time
- Every ex-serviceman is from Special Forces
- Special Forces personnel can beat anyone in hand to hand combat - except a 110lb woman with an attitude
- Maverick cops have to have a Lt of a different ethnicity
- American never say "goodbye" to end a telephone call.
- US Forces have not mastered the beret
- A beautiful girl will always believe your story of alien abduction, police corruption or an impending natural disaster - especially if you kidnap her
- If a soldier shows a photograph of their sweetheart to their pal, they die.
- US police forces either ignore car chases completely or follow them with at least 50 vehicles.
Well, I'm married and I can vouch for one of those.... :d
* Lieutenant is proounced lootentant.
* It is imperative you studiously work so hard to avoid mentioning race that it's obvious you never stop thinking about it.
* Women in bed with their lovers believe it is sexy to hold a sheet firmly against their collarbones.
* UNLESS they're naked and astride, in which case they're probably psychopathic murderesses.
* Any family tensions can be resolved with a five-minute heart-to-heart on the verandah swing (if mother and daughter) or on a boat with fishing rods in hand (if father and son). Fathers may give advice to young daughters as long as it's clear this will be ignored.
* See post above, re getting into bed within half an hour - actually, this is true with American women, as long as you have a foreign accent.
* Watching the road while driving is optional.
* Sex fiends with a nightmare cellar will have a faithful dog, to which they are devoted. A dog is nonetheless one of the most potent icons of happy domesticity.
* The options open to a black actor are: manic squeaky-voiced comedy; suffering victimhood; tough boss; faithful sidekick.
* There are more options open to a black actress, but if she wants an Oscar, she'd better be very pale.
* Outside of crime films, a Suth'n genn'l'm'n will always be a gentleman.
* An Italian is either comic relief or a dangerous criminal. Despite the latter, the Mafia is a Russian organisation (Ukraine is part of Russia).
* No Italian or Hispanic is ever a redhead, and very seldom a blond(e).
* No attempt may ever be made to get South African, Australian, or northern English accents right. The more attractive American accents will usually be exaggerated out of recognition.
* Special effects are an acceptable substitute for plot.
* Costuming is a desireable substitute for acting, and for direction of performers that wouldn't disgrace a small-town amateur dramatic society.
* Very few actors and no actresses shall be hired with any attention to whether they can speak a full sentence without touching the volume control. Scripts shall be written accordingly.
* No director shall be hired who understands that montage can make thematic as well as narrative points. Any director who likes to look through a viewfinder and think about a shot can forget about ever getting an Oscar for his work.
* Anything with a female-focussed plot and a female director will be praised for every irrelevant reason imaginable, unless it is remotely worth watching, in which case she will be accused of selling out to the patriarchy.
I'm rambling rather, but that's what house arrest in plague time does to one.
The thing I get from American films is that two people can solve disputes by shouting at each other.
Ok
*All of the UK is London(Mind you lots of bloody suferners belive that as well)
*All British accents are cute
* The British cant spell their own language.
They usually CAN'T spell, puncuate, or use their own language with any attention to syntax or lexis. Which is why they lost their dominant position in world literature to Americans, Australians, and Indians.
Quote from: FierceKitty on 26 May 2020, 09:07:35 AM
They usually CAN'T spell, puncuate, or use their own language with any attention to syntax or lexis. Which is why they lost their dominant position in world literature to Americans, Australians, and Indians.
Good one coming from a sud afrikan - who misspelled punctuate ;)
And don't forget, Shakespeare couldn't spell
Of course not. It's a much-overrated skill. To this day, I'm never sure how to spell neice/niece. Nor care I overmuch.
From westerns
* A cowboys six shot revolver can shoot 10 plus shots before needing reloading
* A cowboys revolver is accurate enough to hit a man on a galloping horse at 100 yards plus
* Riding shotgun on a stage coach means you will die.
* All Ladies in westerns can afford expensive dresses.
* The cowboys sidekick Injun is loyal and dependable. All other Injuns are deceitful, cruel and unreliable.
* All mexicans wear sombreros
* All mexicans ae lazy
* The heroine is always single
Mobile phones work absolutely everywhere and instantly, except when it's vital to the plot that they suddenly don't.
War films - all automatic weapons
a) Don't overheat (they do)
b) If fired by the hero have an unlimited loaded supply of ammunition (Clint Eastwood in Where Eagles Dare)
Cars will explode in flames if dropped more than 2 feet offroad, but will survive & drive on after leaping any distance onto a road surface (despite bending like a banana on impact, they'll be fine when they drive away).
Nobody ever thinks to shoot UNDER a car at an enemy sheltering behind it...
Car doors give cover from bullets - they don't
Quote from: Wulf on 26 May 2020, 11:55:34 AM
Nobody ever thinks to shoot UNDER a car at an enemy sheltering behind it...
I've lost track of the number of baddies I've seen shot in the ankle as they fire on the heroes* while both sides shoot from behind cars. The hero* then either shoots them a second time and finishes them off or they remain out of action until stretchered off or lead away with no sign of a limp.
*Heroes, male and female, kick ass and take names. Heroines scream, swoon and need rescuing.
Chaps,
Moderator hat on. <)
I know a lot of Hollywood films were awfully stereotyped back on the day, but mind how we get too deeply into the racist side of things. Things have improved, but let's be careful here.
Most Indians were played by Mexicans too...
Quote from: mad lemmey on 26 May 2020, 01:15:40 PM
Chaps,
Moderator hat on. <)
I know a lot of Hollywood films were awfully stereotyped back on the day, but mind how we get too deeply into the racist side of things. Things have improved, but let's be careful here.
Most Indians were played by Mexicans too...
Sorry, I was certainly not trying to suggest that Mexicans etc were actually like that, only that was how they were normally portrayed. portrayed.
Why is it, especially in World War 2, that when the Americans have an important mission they more often than not send a "rag-tag bunch of misfits" and/or criminals? Surely it would make more sense to deploy trained, disciplined & reliable troops.
Conversely, if the rag-tag misfits and/or criminals are - as Hollywood seems to suggest - able to complete their missions successfully, then why on earth would any country bother to have a trained army?
Geoff
Things I have learned from watching French films:
* Every second man is Gerard Depardieu.
* French cameras are like Schmeissers; when you have activated them, they just keep going until they run out of bullets or film. NEVER have a take of less than 90 seconds.
* Frenchmen do seem to get more attractive as they age.
* Their proverbial obscenity notwithstanding, French people swear less than Americans.
* The Frogs appear proud of their execrable coffee.
Things I have learned from watching French films:
The French can convey more with two minutes of silence than Americans can convey in two hours of dialogue and action.
Quote from: mad lemmey on 26 May 2020, 01:15:40 PM
Most Indians were played by Mexicans too...
Were they? That's interesting.
I'm going to have to look out for that.
Chapattis and tortillas are pretty similar.
Quote from: FierceKitty on 27 May 2020, 01:32:31 AM
Chapattis and tortillas are pretty similar.
I suspect that Native Americans was ment - rather than people from the sub-continent
Eye sea. Ore dew eye?
Dat a attempt at a mreicn accent ?
Nope. Essaying the strange dialogue of forumites.
They ALWAYS win! ;)
Except for 'The Alamo'...but, you know they will get 'teary eyed' watching the Lady and kid walking oot with the music...and 'kick some ass' shortly! ;)
As Brits, we can understand this. WE always LOSE...but muddle through...and, (sort of), win in the end It's a strange sort of propaganda, but it seem to work! :) :)
Quote from: FierceKitty on 26 May 2020, 01:53:03 PM
Things I have learned from watching French films:
* Every second man is Gerard Depardieu.
* French cameras are like Schmeissers; when you have activated them, they just keep going until they run out of bullets or film. NEVER have a take of less than 90 seconds.
* Frenchmen do seem to get more attractive as they age.
* Their proverbial obscenity notwithstanding, French people swear less than Americans.
* The Frogs appear proud of their execrable coffee.
OMG ! :D ;D
May be you should watch GOOD french movies :D ;)
*
Every second man is Gerard Depardieu. :-\ I'd like examples...
*
French cameras are like Schmeissers; when you have activated them, they just keep going until they run out of bullets or film. NEVER have a take of less than 90 seconds. see my first sentence above ;)
*
Frenchmen do seem to get more attractive as they age. If only this could be true .... :( :'( ( And look at G Clooney, he's not french)
*
Their proverbial obscenity notwithstanding, French people swear less than Americans. Oh no ! We have many bad words that may have not been translated.. And we have many rude film makers too.
*
The Frogs appear proud of their execrable coffee. Of course, it's REAL coffee ! ;D ( When I used to go to the USA, that's the thing I missed the more !)
It was fun, tell us more about the french ! :)
The most distinctive thing about French mise en scene is that it avoids rapid cuts and goes for a long, more theatrical take. For M. Dep, just Google him. As for the coffee, I've even heard French people confess that the habit of mixing in chicory and then allowing too much water in the mix makes it trail hopelessly behind Italian (I wasn't aware I was praising American coffee) - and it takes a LOT to get the French to admit the Italians do anything better!
Quote from: FierceKitty on 29 May 2020, 02:19:08 PM
it takes a LOT to get the French to admit that anyone does anything better than they do
:-bd
Actually - I don't know how Ian will distort this - I think the French got as undeniably important as they are by doing nothing best, but everything well.
There is a very simple answer - who won the Napoleonic, French Indian and countless other wars, it werna the French, but they claim that Napoleon was the World's greatest general. ;D
Quote from: FierceKitty on 29 May 2020, 02:55:20 PM
Actually - I don't know how Ian will distort this - I think the French got as undeniably important as they are by doing nothing best, but everything well.
Outrageous! Suggesting the French are better at doing nothing than anyone else............ I'll have you know I have spent an entire career earning that title!
Vous etes un vrai grenouille, m'sieur!
(Any real French speakers, forgive me; I've never really learned your lingo.)
Having sex in abandoned mental hospitals generally leads to bad things happening
Something I have learned from watching German movies:
* There was no German history before 1937.
Things I have learned from watching Swedish movies:
* Swedish cinema exists to push up the suicide rate of the rest of the world until it matches that of Sweden.
* Other Swedish cinema exists to demonstrate that it is physically possible to ***** **** ***** ** * **** even if you *** ***** ********* or for that matter *********. But it's important to get the goat's consent first.
Quote from: flamingpig0 on 30 May 2020, 11:17:34 AM
Having sex in abandoned mental hospitals generally leads to bad things happening
Excuse me..? Did you wrote this about the main topic or about our french way of life ??
:D :D :D :D :D
;) ;D
Quote from: ronan on 30 May 2020, 04:40:41 PM
Excuse me..? Did you wrote this about the main topic or about our french way of life ??
:D :D :D :D :D
;) ;D
I have a feeling it might be universally applicable
A teen computer hacker/genius can do ANYTHING in 2 minutes...so why bother with al the other stuff? 8) :o :(
There are many local, state and federal agencies involved in police work usually known by three letter acronyms. They just seem to interfere with each other and at least one is evil.
A good clue is that if it is run by one of the Baldwin brothers, then it is definitely evil.
If your best friend dies and you don't see the body, then they're not really dead, but they are orchestrating the mischief that you're getting blamed for.
Has anyone said.......Two dozen 'baddies'......armed with SMGs can't hit the hero....
Who happens to only be armed with a 'pistol'.......but, yet he still survives.......and the baddies end up as worm meat ?
Cheers - Phil
Good point.
Have you noticed that someone always shouts "RPG" before one is launched, giving the heroes plenty time to dive out of the way?
Japanese cinema:
* Japanese people communicate in staccato strings of monosyllables, or with a single Hai!.
* Kimonos never get dirty.
* Every second man in Japan was Mifune Toshiro.
* In one of the most militarised societies in history, combat was either a chaotic skirmish, or a massed affair where "advance" and "retreat" were the only orders.
* Muskets never missed.
* With masses of Japanese literature to draw on, good Japanese movies rely on Shakespeare and Clint Eastwood.
* With the advent of colour, it became the overriding concern of every Japanese director to show the world that Japanese people liked cats and that Japanese teenagers fell in love.
* In a world containing animation, the Japanese will not face the fact that what was ground-breaking fifty years ago has been hopelessly left behind by the Americans.
* All Japanese ghosts need a hairdresser (OK, this has been around longer than photography).
Quote from: FierceKitty on 06 June 2020, 03:04:46 PM
Japanese cinema:
* Japanese people communicate in staccato strings of monosyllables, or with a single Hai!.
* Kimonos never get dirty.
* Every second man in Japan was Mifune Toshiro.
* In one of the most militarised societies in history, combat was either a chaotic skirmish, or a massed affair where "advance" and "retreat" were the only orders.
* Muskets never missed.
* With masses of Japanese literature to draw on, good Japanese movies rely on Shakespeare and Clint Eastwood.
* With the advent of colour, it became the overriding concern of every Japanese director to show the world that Japanese people liked cats and that Japanese teenagers fell in love.
* In a world containing animation, the Japanese will not face the fact that what was ground-breaking fifty years ago has been hopelessly left behind by the Americans.
* All Japanese ghosts need a hairdresser (OK, this has been around longer than photography).
Not to mention that Japanese female education is centred around boarding schools located on giant aircraft carriers.
The carriers house the school, an otherwise unpopulated neighbouring town (See also Harry Potter), some countryside and an abandoned industrial complex containing abandoned WW2 tanks.
The only passtime permitted at school is Tank fighting.
The Volleyball team never play volleyball.
Quote from: FierceKitty on 06 June 2020, 03:04:46 PM
Japanese cinema:
*
* In a world containing animation, the Japanese will not face the fact that what was ground-breaking fifty years ago has been hopelessly left behind by the Americans.
But still the plot lines are absolute sh*te! ;D
Quote from: fsn on 06 June 2020, 02:26:01 PM
but they are orchestrating the mischief that you're getting blamed for.
I know a bit about orchestrating the mischief that you're getting blamed for ;D ;D
Quote from: sunjester on 06 June 2020, 09:05:46 PM
But still the plot lines are absolute sh*te! ;D
Come on -
Shrek,
The Incredibles,
Kung Fu Panda....they don't always work, but there's some dam' good stuff these days.
A pterodactyl is strong enough to carry Raquel Welch
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b7/52/44/b7524479c841b96f4cbed3039742dd02.jpg)
Well, He'd certainly have a go, wouldn't He! ;) :d
Awful film...wildly inaccurate and possibly, inappropriate, (Huh! :o ) ...BUT it had DINOSAURS...(AND RAQUEL WELCH!) 8) 8) I loved Dinosaurs when a kid...and the 'Walking With' tv 'Docs' too.
Now, the thought that many may have looked like 'Kooky Chickens'...rather puts me off. :( :(
Quote from: Heedless Horseman on 26 June 2020, 01:03:42 AM
Well, He'd certainly have a go, wouldn't He! ;) :d
Awful film...wildly inaccurate and possibly, inappropriate, (Huh! :o ) ...BUT it had DINOSAURS...(AND RAQUEL WELCH!) 8) 8) I loved Dinosaurs when a kid...and the 'Walking With' tv 'Docs' too.
Now, the thought that many may have looked like 'Kooky Chickens'...rather puts me off. :( :(
For a variety of reasons I consider it to be a cinematic masterpiece
Quote from: Heedless Horseman on 26 June 2020, 01:03:42 AM
Now, the thought that many may have looked like 'Kooky Chickens'...rather puts me off. :( :(
I have to say I was rather disappointed to read that recent research suggests T-Rex didn't look like a giant fluffy chick.
No T-Rex is a Cannarey, Red Dwarf said so !
Well, T-Rex and canaries are relatives, however distant, for sure :)
Quote from: Ithoriel on 26 June 2020, 09:22:56 AM
Well, T-Rex and canaries are relatives, however distant, for sure :)
Oh No...NOT a singing T Rex, Please! :o
Tho' this wasn't bad:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZkTh_T75QY
Have always wondered why film-makers make Dinosaurs ROAR!!! I THINK Crocodilians and Komodos 'Cough' and 'Hisss'.. They probably 'Belch' and 'F**t', too...but by then, you would either be FAR away or past caring about manners! ;D
Does anyone remember a Sunday afternoon 'Antiques' TV programme from the '70's... 'Going For A Song'...with a mechanical singing Canary? Could never figure out whether this was real or faked! Lol! :(
- Striking someone once on the back of the head is sufficent to knock them out
- They will then wake up, rub the back of the neck and be OK
- Someone who is shot can carry on normally after being attended for five minutes by a disgraced doctor, or better still, a vet
Quote from: Heedless Horseman on 27 June 2020, 03:13:31 AM
Does anyone remember a Sunday afternoon 'Antiques' TV programme from the '70's... 'Going For A Song'...with a mechanical singing Canary? Could never figure out whether this was real or faked! Lol! :(
Sadly, Yes.....Seem to remember there was a chap called Arthur Negus as the resident expert ?
Cheers - Phil :)
If you find yourself with a bunch of friends in an abandoned building and there is some scary music. Don't split up...
Quote from: Heedless Horseman on 27 June 2020, 03:13:31 AM
Oh No...NOT a singing T Rex, Please! :o
Tho' this wasn't bad:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZkTh_T75QY
Have always wondered why film-makers make Dinosaurs ROAR!!! I THINK Crocodilians and Komodos 'Cough' and 'Hisss'.. They probably 'Belch' and 'F**t', too...but by then, you would either be FAR away or past caring about manners! ;D
There was an episode of The Curious Cases of Rutherford and Fry - Radio 4 production, available as a podcast with extra bits and well worth a listen - which went into this: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0004sdq (https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0004sdq)
Based on its size and the assumption that T. rex would have a syrinx like an extant bird, they had it kind of coo-rumbling like an elephantine pigeon if I remember correctly :o (More terrifying than it sounds!)
Think I'll have to give it another listen :-\
OOOh! I remember that prog.
I have a slight crush on Dr Hannah. :-[
Quote from: fsn on 30 June 2020, 08:21:24 PM
OOOh! I remember that prog.
I have a slight crush on Dr Hannah. :-[
;D
Well, I won't tell her if you don't want me to :-$ ;)
She does have a very seductive voice 8->
Quote from: O Dinas Powys on 30 June 2020, 06:47:16 PM
Based on its size and the assumption that T. rex would have a syrinx like an extant bird, they had it kind of coo-rumbling like an elephantine pigeon if I remember correctly :o (More terrifying than it sounds!)
"Polly wants a bison."
(Nicked from John Finnemore......Mind you, that was a crocopie....A cross between a magpie and a crocodile.)
Cheers - Phil
Quote from: Techno on 01 July 2020, 06:52:06 AM
"Polly wants a bison."
(Nicked from John Finnemore......Mind you, that was a crocopie....A cross between a magpie and a crocodile.)
Cheers - Phil
;D
That pretty much covers anything from a
Velociraptor (real size approximately equivalent to a turkey) up to
Tyrannosaurus on current thinking :-B
;)
I thought that with T-Rex it was
"Tony wants a bison, Tony wants a bison, Tony wants a bison .... RIGHT EFFING NOW!!!!!
;D ;D ;D