An Essex girl goes to the council to register for
child benefit.
'How many children?' asks the council worker.
'10' replies the Essex girl
'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their
names?'
'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,
Wayne, Wayne and Wayne'
'Doesn't that get confusing?'
'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because
if they are
out playing in the street I just have to shout
'WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY', or 'WAAYNE GO TO BED
NOW' and they all do it...'
'What if you want to speak to one individually?'
says the perturbed council worker.
'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use
their surnames'
Essex Girl enters a n Adult shop & asks for a
vibrator.
The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'
She says 'I'll take the red one.'
The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and
is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to
ask you some questions?'
Girl: 'OK'
Medic: 'What's your name?'
Girl: 'Sharon.'
Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?'
Sharon: 'Yes.'
Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'
Sharon : 'Romford, mate.'
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car-
phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her.
'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
careful!'
'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl,
'There's hundreds of them!'
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash;
there's Blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the
car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're
concussed.'
Sharon : 'Ok.'
Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'
Sharon : 'Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist
down!'
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when
the Essex Girl notices something strange about the
wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, 'Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or
nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L
on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'
So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of
Guinness and replies,
Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit
the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit
the L is for me Left foot'
'Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why
me knickers 'ave got C&A on them
Some old ones but all are gems ;D ;D ;D
I'm getting lots of funny looks as I'm crying with laughter here ;D ;D ;D
They are great, if only they weren't totally believable.
Yours sincerely, Mr. Ashamed (originally from Essex).
MickS
The cross cultural enlightenment continues! ;D
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Essex_girl
Please don't think all youbg ladies from Romford so mentally challenged. My daughter gets very upset.
A blind man stumbles into a pub. He makes his way to the bar and says "I haven't got any money, but if I tell you a really funny Essex Girl joke, could I have a pint for free?" The bar went quiet.
The blind man doen't realise he's wandered into the haunt of the Romford Mothers' Union, which sported it's usual number of under age drinkers.
The barmaid leant her bosom on the bar, enjoying the feeling of stale spilt beer soaking through her t-shirt. "I'm an Essex Girl," she hissed "an' I keep a baseball bat under the counter to deal wif any trubble."
"Over there at the back playing pool" she continued, "is Tracey. She's an Essex girl, and she knows a few things about using a pool cue for more than just potting the pink."
"To your right," hissed on our blonde pint-pourer "is Shazney. She's an Essex girl. She's a bit upset at the moment and has just broken a glass." There was a pause, then the sound of a glass breaking.
"To your left is Sharron - wif two r's, and before you ask that don't make it difficult for her to sit down. Also from Essex. She's just come from her self-defence class and she's just being showing me what she can do wif a stiletto. Course, she's got to take both of 'em off otherwise she falls over."
"... an just coming in is Tina. Also from Essex. She's a beautiician, and she done my nails ... wif a very pointy nail file."
"Ah!" Said the blind man, "then gather round, I don't want to explain this five times."
From Reddit:
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here".
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here".
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde".
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, "First class isn't going to Sydney "
Not bad, I suppose. :)
Cheers - Phil
I love this forum ;D ;D ;D m/ m/
I particularly like it when it isn't overwhelmed by misogyny.
I apologise if my joke caused any offence. Please let me restart it in a number of ways, so you can fill in the rest from your world view...
A blind man stumbles into a pub. He makes his way to the bar and says "I haven't got any money, but if I tell you a really funny Irish joke, could I have a pint for free?"
A blind man stumbles into a pub. He makes his way to the bar and says "I haven't got any money, but if I tell you a really funny Polish joke, could I have a pint for free?"
A blind man stumbles into a pub. He makes his way to the bar and says "I haven't got any money, but if I tell you a really funny Belgian joke, could I have a pint for free?"
A blind man stumbles into a pub. He makes his way to the bar and says "I haven't got any money, but if I tell you a really funny Redneck joke, could I have a pint for free?"
A blind man stumbles into a pub. He makes his way to the bar and says "I haven't got any money, but if I tell you a really funny Yokel joke, could I have a pint for free?"
A blind man stumbles into a pub. He makes his way to the bar and says "I haven't got any money, but if I tell you a really funny Norwegian joke, could I have a pint for free?"
or from my days as a Statistics graduate ...
A blind man stumbles into a pub. He makes his way to the bar and says "I haven't got any money, but if I tell you a really funny Art Student joke, could I have a pint for free?"
Quote from: FierceKitty on 17 November 2016, 12:33:45 PM
I particularly like it when it isn't overwhelmed by misogyny.
To be fair, if you look over my posts I poke fun at anybody and everybody. It is certainly not my view of real life, or the way I regard the subject of the mickey taking in real life.
I'm with you on that one Orcs.
What's a sense of humour ?
IanS
Well said Orcs. It can never be considered prejudice when you take the mickey out of every one ;D ;D ;D
Two wargamers meet up for a Christmas drink in a pub.
"Whats the matter?" Asks one.
"My wife has left me."
"When did that happen"
"May, I think."
;D ;D ;D
Like it!