Paddy is about to go into a bar on a thirsty evening. At the door, he is accosted by a nun.
"Young man, think of what you are doing! Think of your dear old mother. How would you feel if she saw you here?"
"Me Mum, God rest her, used to loike a pint in the evenin', and Oi'll tank yez ter loive her out of dis."
"Very well. But think of the tarnish to your immortal soul. Alcohol reduces a man to less than a beast. It corrupts his sense of good, muddies his reason, confuses his speech, robs him of the ability to walk. And for what?!"
"Well, let me ask yer a question, sister. Have you ever actually troid alcohol and all?"
"No, of course not!"
"Oi tought so. Now, Oi'll make a deal wit' yez. Oi'm goin' in dere for me beer, and Oi'll buy yez a drink too. If yez still feels de same about it ten minutes later, Oi'll come to church every Sunday for de next year. Deal?"
There is a thoughtful pause.
"Very well, for your soul. But bring it in a teacup. If Mother Superior saw me drinking in the street...."
Paddy enters the bar.
"Evenin', Moike. Pint o' Guinness, an' a triple gin in a teacup."
"Jaysus, is dat bluidy nun out dere again?"
;D ;D ;D -new one on me.
And me.
:) :)
MickS
;D ;D ;D ;D
I remember it from my schooldays but worth retelling!
Of a similar vintage is:
Couple walk into a bar and the wife says,"Barman, can you settle an argument for us?"
"I'll do my best," says the barman,"what's the argument?"
"Do you know anything about penguins?"
"Penguins? Well I know a little bit about them from the pub quizzes we have here."
"Are there big penguins?"
"Oh, yes. Penguins come in all sort of sizes. Emperor penguins can be a good four foot or so."
"But are there any six foot penguins?"
"Six foot? No, no penguins that size."
The wife whirls round to the husband and yells,"See! I b***dy told you you ran down a nun!!!"
I can always rely on the gentlemen of this forum to brighten up a boring day ;D ;D m/ m/
Ah! Dave Allen - where are you now?
Two nuns are walking through the zoo on their day off, marveling at God's creatures. Inevitably in one of these stories, they fail to notice that the door to the gorilla's cage is unlocked, until a huge ape leaps out, grabs one of them, and drags her off into the bushes, where he has his wicked way with her. A few minutes later, she emerges, straightening her habit and blushing furiously, and they go their way, never to mention the episode...
...until thirty years later, when the nun in question is on her deathbed, and her friend comes to take a final leave of her in this vale of tears.
"Maria, there's something I've got to ask you. You know we don't take secrets to the grave in this order, and, anyway, I've never had any experience of these things. That day in the zoo - what was it like? Did it hurt?"
Dying nun turns a tearful face to her.
"Did it hurt? You know, he never 'phoned, never wrote, never sent me an email; no chocolates, no flowers; it was just physical for him; why are males always afraid of committing to a relationship?...."
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entryway, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
"What happened here?!"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
MickS
"I'm sorry to interrupt, Mother Superior, but I have to confess"
"Goodness, sister, what on earth do you need to confess so urgently?"
"I had sex with a man, Mother Superior, and I enjoyed it but now I'm afraid I might be pregnant."
"Well, the first thing you must do is is eat this lemon, rind and all."
"Will that stop me becoming pregnant Mother Superior?"
"No, but it will wipe that b****y smile off your face!"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
MickS