https://www.distractify.com/31-tumblr-puns-1353647963.html
Groan!
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
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2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire,
...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
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4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide
and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
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5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
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6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).
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7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said,
"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Thanks to
Don Avis
ML,
My version of your number two goes back about 25 years. I was playing in a friendly cricket match on a Sunday and, as so often in those days, one of our side did not turn up on time. Of course, I lost the toss and we had to field with only ten men. As we were walking out a voice from the bar asked if we would like a substitute. Like a shot, I agreed, and five minutes later I was amazed to see Terry Venables marching purposefully onto the field. With the game over forty minutes old, I was running out of options, our missing player was our usual first change. In desperation I turned to Terry and, with a good grace, he agreed to take the next over from the pavilion end. With his first ball the opposition's star batsmen saw his middle stump cartwheel backwards. With his second, the new batsmen edged to the keeper. As Terry was steaming in for his hat trick ball, a shout interrupted play and our missing player emerged running from the pavilion, pulling on his whites as he stumbled forward. His face the colour of a blood orange he screamed "Who is this man, and what is he doing here?!" My reply, has gone down in history, and is horribly distorted in your joke. " Ask not for whom El Tel bowls, he bowls for thee""
Mollinary
;D
Ozymandias, however, was Egyptian.
What, like the textured wall paper? :-\
Are you thinking of glyptodon LH? ;)
Have people heard of the medieval practice of greasing arrowheads to lubricate them when they had to pierce plate armour? I believe it was intended to help them make it through the knight.
Where's the official coat chewer, when you need him !
Cheers - Phil (Who will join in with one that's even worse, once he's figured out how to shrink photo's that have been 'borrowed' from elsewhere on t'net.)
So let me get this straight. (As the actress used to say to the bishop.)
1) You're a moderator of this forum.
2) Moderators are supposed to shepherd us (the pixies in the Pendraken dell).
3) You can't add a picture to the forum.
I am reminded of the classic film "The Producers" (the Gene Wilder one, not the sh**ty remake) where they had a Swedish secretary who didn't speak English, couldn't type and couldn't make coffee. She answered the phone with an adorable "Bialystock and Bloom!" However, when told to "go to work", she began an energetic go-go dance.
Quote from: fsn on 22 September 2015, 07:24:18 AM
3) You can't add a picture to the forum.
'Course I can :P.....I just haven't figured out how to shrink piccies that I've 'nicked' from elsewhere on the net.
(I'll have a go later on. :D)
Cheers - Phil
Add a width=400 in the img bit after the word img
{img width=400}url{/img}
(I've replaced the square brackets with curly ones so you can see what I mean)
Does this help?
Another gem to make my working day seem better ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: fsn on 22 September 2015, 11:28:49 AM
Add a width=400 in the img bit after the word img
{img width=400}url{/img}
(I've replaced the square brackets with curly ones so you can see what I mean)
Does this help?
Thanks Nobby :)....
So, basically (Sorry 'Bob') it's almost identical to shrinking pics on photobucket.
It's just that when I've linked pictures from t'net previously, the images have been quite acceptable size wise for posting.
The one I tried using yesterday was blanking
enormous....
It
should have been of a particular animal, but all you could see without 'sliding' up and down or side to side on the piccy was an eye and an ear. X_X
(I said naughty words !)
By the time I get this 'joke' posted, it probably won't have been worth the effort.
It truly is dreadful.
Cheers - Phil
'Techno'
Actionable under the Trades Description Act?
'Technophobe'
Very appropriate, I would have thought. :P ;)
Cheers - Phil
I went to the worst zoo in the UK, recently.
There was only one animal there.....a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5f/Pancho0008.JPG)
(Thanks, Nobby......That worked !!)
Told you it was awful.
Cheers - Phil
Quote from: Techno on 22 September 2015, 07:40:30 PM
It was a shih tzu.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5f/Pancho0008.JPG)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :d
Mollinary
Quote from: Techno on 22 September 2015, 07:40:30 PM
I went to the worst zoo in the UK, recently.
There was only one animal there.....a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5f/Pancho0008.JPG)
(Thanks, Nobby......That worked !!)
Told you it was awful.
Cheers - Phil
Well at least it made me chuckle, so thanks for the effort :-bd
;D ;D ;D ;D
I've just been watching Whitney Cummings ...
She's a stand up comedian. She's not a town in Oxfordshire, she is not a gentleman's problem, nor is she a ... hang on , just let me check ... no ... oh, must save that for later ... no, she is not a porn star. She wrote "Two Broke Girls".
Anyway. Whitney Cummings defines love as "being willing to die to save someone ... that you, yourself want to kill."