A tour bus driver is taking a bus full of seniors on a trip, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After a few minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady Answers, "Oh!, We just love the chocolate coating."
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At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots some nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs?
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.
The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
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15 things we wouldn't know if it wasn't for the movies
1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
And last but not least
15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Enjoy
Re number 11, in the last joke.....
Wasn't there an early episode of 'Thunderbirds'...(Maybe, even the pilot episode)...Where the bomb on the plane actually had BOMB written on it ?
Cheers - Phil
Old, but still good:
http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
On the subject of lists...
http://skippyslist.com/list/
;D ;D They have brightened up a dull day
Quote from: toxicpixie on 13 June 2014, 07:53:10 AM
On the subject of lists...
http://skippyslist.com/list/
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
I'm surprised anyone in his chain of command was this creative ;D
Skippy might be the evolutionary factor behind the chain of command achieving full sentience ;)