You have to think about these.
Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: "No, I'm travelling light."
2. "Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: "Hello, I'd like a beer." The barman replies: "Hello, you'd like a beer?" "Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer."
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: "Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?" The electron goes: "Oh great, now I'm lost."
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!"
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: "Make me one with everything".
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?" The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies: "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says: "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please."
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What'll it be, boys?" The first mathematician: "I'll have one half of a beer." The second mathematician: "I'll have one quarter of a beer." The third mathematician: "I'll have one eight of a beer." The fourth mathematician: "I'll have one sixteenth of a..." The bartender interrupts: "Know your limits, boys" as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the "B" in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies: "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"
25. A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Setting a dangerous precedent. Several of those are rather clever!
Those are rather good !
There are a couple I'll have to come back to, though....
(What is a TCP packet ?)
Cheers - Phil
Likewise - far as I know TCP is in bottles.
IanS
A Roman walks into a bar and says 'A Martinus, please.'
The Barman says, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
The Roman says "No, I only want one."
How many members of a subset of society does it take to change a lightbulb?
N+1. 1 to change the bulb, and N to act in a stereotypical manner.
Very good, even the ones I've seen before made me chuckle.
I'll chuck in another couple:
How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a Museum of Modern Art?
Two.
One to change the bulb and one to say "My four year old could do better than that!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How many nymphomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Don't be ridiculous, there's not room for even one nymphomaniac in a light bulb!
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb, and at least one to object to the infinitive used in the first line of this joke.
Quote from: Techno on 21 May 2014, 06:52:52 AM
Those are rather good !
There are a couple I'll have to come back to, though....
(What is a TCP packet ?)
Cheers - Phil
TCP stands for Transmission Control Protocol. It is a communication protocol that is very reliable due to its error checking and confirmation. Consequentlya large proportion of data traffic uses this protocol. It chops up the data being transmitted into a manageable size and puts them in a "packet" and sends it to the destination. The way it error checks is the root of the joke .
Quote from: FierceKitty on 21 May 2014, 06:21:44 AM
Setting a dangerous precedent. Several of those are rather clever!
No I will be back to my more dubious ones soon enough. Clever ones like this are hard to find.
I'm not sure whether I laughed at the clever ones or the not-so clever ones.
Oh, and TCP is dangerously specialised for those of us who only know how to switch the damn thing on. :P :P :P
Not to certain Phil can even manage that......
IanS
A switch ?.....Sounds a bit technical to me. :-*
(Thanks, Mark !)
Cheers - Phil
Quote from: Techno on 21 May 2014, 11:37:15 AM
A switch ?.....Sounds a bit technical to me. :-*
(Thanks, Mark !)
Cheers - Phil
Is that because you would have embedded a screwdriver into your hand by the time you got to the end of the joke? :P
Very clever and got 23 of them. The TCP one threw me until someone clarified it, as I too thought of the throat pastilles :D.
Quote from: Fenton on 21 May 2014, 12:45:47 PM
Is that because you would have embedded a screwdriver into your hand by the time you got to the end of the joke? :P
Knowing me.....Probably ! :P
Cheers - Phil
Here you are, TCP as we older generation know it:-
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TCP_%28antiseptic%29 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TCP_%28antiseptic%29)
And, boy, does it sting! :'(
how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb,
The question is does it want to change
Quote from: Hertsblue on 21 May 2014, 09:34:15 PM
... TCP as we older generation know it:-
My dad used to make us gargle with it if we had a sore throat. Took about 3 days for the awful taste to go away.
Sure that weren't jut air in Runcorn ?
IanS
Quote from: fsn on 22 May 2014, 07:06:08 AM
My dad used to make us gargle with it if we had a sore throat. Took about 3 days for the awful taste to go away.
Talking of weird tastes....Have you noticed....If you have something like 'Lemsip' in your favourite tea/coffee mug, it takes about six cups of your normal beverage before you stop noticing the Lemsip taste ?
However many times you thoroughly wash the mug !(Just thought I'd throw that in. ;))
Cheers -
Not if you wash it in hot water, not grind with sand like what they do in Wales.....
IanS
HAH !
You may use sand in the Wirral...We've discovered fire and its heating properties here. ;) :P
Cheers - Phil
Only by accident Techno, when that last storm set your scuddies ablaze on the line! Now you have to keep it alight! :P
HAH !!....More abuse ! :P ;)
Cheers - Phil
Lov ya really Phil! :-*
The TCP one isn't quite right so therefore doesn't qualify as clever.
The Starting SYN from TCP is essentially " Hello, I would like a beer"
It doesn't get repeated back in the the ACK from the Barkeep. Essentially the response from thebar keep is given by the fact the communication was established in the same language (beer ordering) The bar keep sends back a flag that it understood the SYN and confirms it can continue e.g The SYN and ACK are sent back "Good, you would like a beer" (I know you want bitter, I have some on tap, are you ready to order?)
The ACK back from TCP is essentially agreement that "Yes, a Beer" (I asked the barkeep, he has understood me, he has what I want to do and I am now confirming its beer and not shandy)
The application (beer drinker) communicates with the other application (barkeep) then about how much (pint, litre, half, Grosse, ladies portion), in what form (Sleeve, Jug etc) and whether he wants crisps. TCP is the flow control that keeps the exchange of information going without any confusion.
The process closes with the TCP ending it with "That's everything thank you", The barkeep replies with "about a weeks wages" money gets handed over, change given and then TCP walks away.
Now the one about the UDP packet going into a bar, that is the same as sending your mate down the off license with your order and hoping it comes back with what you want.
Ooops
Si,
I am convinced of two things.
1. you have a very good grasp of the TCP/IP process.
2. You overestimate the requirement for strict Real World(tm) accuracy in telling a joke.
:P :) :)
My bad.
Me old mum loved 'em. But needed the tachyon one explained.
Quote from: Ithoriel on 22 May 2014, 05:05:03 PM
You overestimate the requirement for strict Real World(tm) accuracy in telling a joke.
Brevity is the soul of wit - to quote Oscar Wilde.
Indeed?
Quote from: FierceKitty on 24 May 2014, 01:13:36 AM
Me old mum loved 'em. But needed the tachyon one explained.
I am gald you sent her these jokes and not some of my other ones :)
I am sure number 23 is an old Goon show joke , though Spike Milligan could also have nicked it
Quote from: Just a few Orcs on 25 May 2014, 08:57:27 AM
I am gald you sent her these jokes and not some of my other ones :)
Mummy's sense of humour is far bluer than mine at times.
Quote from: Fenton on 25 May 2014, 09:29:33 AM
I am sure number 23 is an old Goon show joke , though Spike Milligan could also have nicked it
... or indeed written it.
"What are you doing in that piano?"
"I'm hidin!"
"Don't be silly, he's been dead for centuries!"
Milligan wasn't above recycling old jokes.
Quote from: fsn on 25 May 2014, 10:14:01 AM
... or indeed written it.
"What are you doing in that piano?"
"I'm hidin!"
"Don't be silly, he's been dead for centuries!"
Moriarty where are you?
I'm disguised as a G String
Ah...So that's why I cant see you
Admit it, you're a spy.
Nein, nein I'm a shepherd
Ah, a shepherd spy!
Late one night, there was a menacing knock on the door. Ariminius opened it.
He said "Who are you?"
They said "We've come for your berry."
He says "It's not my berry, it's my wife's berry. Have you come to praise her berry?"
They say, "No, we've come to seize her berry, not to praise it!"
paraphrased from I'm Sorry I'll Read It Again :)
Aide to Rommel: Herr General the British have broken through our lines
Rommel: Curses, all our washing in the mud again
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
Will anyone ever find out?
Aide: Excuse me, sir, the colonel would like to see you outside.
Neddy: Ah, he's out there, is he?
Aide: No, he's in here, but he'd like to see you outside.
No doubt you remember these on first transmission ?
IanS
;D ;D ;D ;D