Puns for Educated Minds

[Orcs]

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum  Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in
ten did.

[Tommy Atkins]

As my daughter would say.

'Just no' 

[Techno]

Very good...Like 'em.
Cheers - Phil.

[Steve J]

Excellent, loved them loads .

[sebigboss79]

Me: 
Wife:

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

They are turly terrible.....

ianS

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

 

Two Parrots on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Even worse......

IanS

[nikharwood]