Best bad jokes...

[Leon]

A man moved in next door the other week, and after sizing up both of our homes, shouted across the fence, "Your house is the same size and layout as mine, right?"  I nodded.  "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy to do the hallway?" he asked.  "14." I replied.

A couple of days later, he spotted me in the garden and shouted over again "I've got 8 rolls of wallpaper left over?"  I nodded once more, and replied "So have I..."

[Raider4]

How many spell-checkers does it take to change a light-bulb?

Too

[Nosher]

How many spell-checkers does it take to change a light-bulb?

Too

Surely you mean 'to'

[clibinarium]

A carrot and a cabbage got married recently, but tragically were involved in a terrible car accident on the way to their honeymoon. Very sad.

I heard there was a big turnip at the funeral though.

[FierceKitty]

  A man approached Peter and asked if he could enter Paradise.
  "Your name?"
  "Mozart, actually."
  "Well, of course. We'll be delighted to have you. But since 9/11, we've had to increase security. Can you prove you're Mozart?"
   Mozart smiles and asks for a piano; five minutes later he's improvising a sonata that makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time. After he's finished, there's a brief reverent silence, then Peter shakes his hand and welcomes him to Paradise.
  A little later another candidate turns up and indentifies himself as Einstein. Peter asks him to prove it, and he does a little deceptively simple calculation in the Big Book to demonstrate that the afterlife is really the prelife. It's confusing, but Peter realises that it makes sense, and that this really is Einstein, so he welcomes him to Paradise.
  The next candidate claims to be George Bush, and says that after protcting Christian civilisation so thoroughly he hopes he's earned a place in eternal bliss.
  "And can you prove you're George Bush?"
  "How? I'm dead! I didn't bring my social security card or my passport, you know."
  "Well, Mozart improvised a sonata a while ago, Einstein did some strange meta-physics...."
   "Who the #$%& is Mozart? Who the #$%& is Einstein?"
   "OK, OK, you are George Bush, have a good afterlife."
 

[Nosher]

Mummy poar bear and baby polar bear walking to school over the polar ice cap when baby polar bear sits on the ice and shouts MUUUUUUUM! What is it baby polar bear? says mummy polar bear.

"Are you sure I'm a polar bear?" says baby polar bear. "what an unusual question. Of course you are. Daddy and I are polar bears, you're a polar bear now come on or we will be late for school."

A few hundred yards later baby polar bear sits on the ice and shouts MUUUUUUUM! What is it NOW baby polar bear? says mummy polar bear.

"Are you REALLY sure I'm a polar bear?" says baby polar bear. "I have told you once - of course you are. Daddy and I are plar bears, both your sisters are polar bears and so g grandad and grandma - what a ridiculous question! Now come on or we will be late for school."

A few hundred yards later baby polar bear sits on the ice AGAIN and shouts MUUUUUUUM!

"WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!" screams mummy polar bear.

"Are you REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sure I'm a polar bear?" "If I have told you once I have told you a THOUSAND TIMES, YOU ARE A BLOODY POLAR BEAR! Why do you keep asking?"

"Cos my arse is freezing..."

[Fenton]

Why have elephants got big ears?


Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

Woodwork walks into a pub and looks at the bar lady:
"Excuse me?"
"Yes."
"Is your bar tender here?"

[DanJ]

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug

[hamsterking]

What do you call a man with his backside full of rabbits?

Warren

[Leon]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves?

Russell.

[Nosher]

A man with a car on his head?

Jack

[Nosher]

Dad came into my bedroom the other day and said "If you keep playing with that thing you'll start to lose your eyesight you know!"

I said "Is that right Dad? And by the way I'm in the bathroom - thats my dressing gown you're talking to..."

[Hertsblue]

This one requires a bit of imagination:

Two pieces of black tarmac are sittng in a bar drinking. All at once the door opens and a piece of red tarmac walks in, strolls up the to bar, picks up the beer of one of them and drains it. He then strolls away.

"Aren't you going to do anything about that?" asks the other piece of tarmac.

"No fear," his mate replies, "he's a cycle path."

[Techno]

What do you call the man who's had the spade taken OUT of his head ?.....Douglas.

What do you call a spammer with his hands and feet cable tied together trying desperately to stay afloat, after he's been chucked in the river ?.....Bob.

[Maenoferren]

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a bicycle?

Squashed!

What do you call a monkey in a dynamite factory?

A Baboom

[Last Hussar]

I know a joke about premature ejaculation, but you'll see it coming.

[Nosher]

One from Mock the Week

My wife slipped into something slinky over the weekend Only trouble is it only seems to work going down the stairs

[capthugeca]

Two economists were chatting together at a nudist resort. One turned to the other and asked, " Have you read Marx?"
The other replied, " Yes from these wicker chairs"

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to the bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are  into the black arts , for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster"

Sorry 

[DanJ]

Where can you find a legless tortoise?

Where ever you put it down.