Critique my writing

[Last Hussar]

or better still, ask your wife/Partner/platonic female friend to look at this, and tell me how it comes across.

I am after reaction/what the reader understands from this brief interaction. (background, Izzy is in her early 40s, she is dating - but not living with - Zac, Becky is her daughter from previous relationship. It's been established earlier in the book Izzy has always been a bit of a tomboy)

Zac looked at Izzy in surprise. "Oh, I didn't realise you were wearing your jeans this afternoon."

Izzy looked down. "Well, yeah, it's a barbeque, nothing really formal. And they are my good ones, not an everyday pair."

"I understand, but I just thought you would want to fit in with the other women, and wear a skirt."

"Oh, but then I'd have to wear tights, and to do that, I'd need to shave my legs properly."

"Why don't you wear that long green skirt I bought you, and some long white socks. You can shave your legs when you get home then. Is Becky getting ready?"

"I'll.. I'll just go and check. Are you sure about that skirt?"

Zac raised his eyebrows in encouragement, smiled and nodded. Izzy gave an unsure grin back, and went back upstairs.

[sultanbev]

Be careful what you ask for lol

This what comes to my mind:
""I understand, but I just thought you would want to fit in with the other women, and wear a skirt." "

That's a bit of a giveaway. The bloke here imposing his conditions of worth on his partner. And because, in a society influenced by status, he feels threatened by the implied loss of status if his partner appears in jeans rather than the M&S dresses he expects all the other women to be appearing in. Because, the TV advertising tells him such.

Why would you want your partner to "fit in with the other women" ? Presumably you loved them because they are different, unique in some way, and if her uniqueness is her going to a bbq in jeans then that is more than fine. To me she made the effort by picking posher jeans than the work-a-day ones.

But that's just me!

As far as writing critique is concerned, it seems a muted response for a tomboy, it implies a lack of self-confidence which may be a future feature of your story. Or perhaps she is just stepping out of her comfort zone, and needs reassurance, not change. If that's setting a stage for a future narrative or plot drive, then thats fine. But being from ooop no'th I'd expect a more robust response... 
Or to put it another way, I'm not fully convinced that the conversation would pan out that way.

[fsn]

My first thought was "coercive and controlling behaviour" - and I'm not sure about his designs on Becky.

I hate making surface judgements, so I tried reading it as a support boyfriend trying to help his partner who lacks self confidence and possibly has self image issues. He knew the dress code/expectations of the group and was trying (in a possibly clumsy way) to save her from social embarrassment.


 

[fred.]

Feels quite stilted and rather over-explained as a conversation to me. 

And agree with the above about controlling language (which may be the intention)

[Orcs]

Forget about the controlling behaviour. Is Zac MAD!!! What bloke in his right mind would tell a woman what to wear. Unless of course he likes to sleep in the shed.

[Last Hussar]

He is controlling and coercive. The point is we've spent much of the book watching Izzy be free and assertive. This is trying to show how he has got inside her head - Bev and FSN have got the right end of the stick.

Fred, thanks, I'll look at this again; it's just a snippet to show his asserting control.

[d_Guy]

That was an interesting exercise. Will you do more?

"You look great in Jeans" would have been the best/safest comment, so you are capturing your stated intent with the dialog. If this were the opening of the book I would have been interested in reading more to see how this relationship came about.

[fred.]

He is controlling and coercive. The point is we've spent much of the book watching Izzy be free and assertive. This is trying to show how he has got inside her head - Bev and FSN have got the right end of the stick.

Fred, thanks, I'll look at this again; it's just a snippet to show his asserting control.

And it that case it might be the right kind of tone / over detailed - where the conversation is stilted as someone is exerting power and the other is pushing back (even if somewhat subconsciously). 

[Last Hussar]

d Guy. No, this is just one episode over the course of a year. The book starts in 1991, and ends 2016! It's written in a sort of diary form, but starts with a "flash forward "

(Almost) the end, and beginnings.

About two weeks ago, 12 June 2016
"Alex – How did you really meet Mum?"
"I told you – I came home one day, and there was this attractive young blonde sitting on my bed."

It then starts proper on 7 March, 1991.

It's a romance (I wanted to be the next Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett, but oh no...). I think a good back cover line would be "Every one can see they're a perfect couple.  If only they could."

I've written most of it, just 15 or so "dates"/entries to write.