Happy St Davids Day

[Orcs]

Its ST Davids's Day, so I thought some welsh jokes might be appropriate. Please note I have been good and not one sheep joke among them. (although if I get bored at work today some might get added)

Dai is at the car boot sale when an American tourist comes by. Pointing to a skull on display in Dai's car, he says: "Whose skull is that?"

"That," says Dai profoundly, "is the skull of Owain Glyndwr. It's yours for £10."
"Incredible," says the American. "I'll take it."
Some weeks later, Dai is at the car boot sale when the same American walks past and notices a much smaller skull for sale.

"Whose skull it that?" asks the American.
"That," says Dai in a practised voice, "is the skull of Owain Glyndwr."
"Hang on," says the American. "You sold me the skull of Owain Glyndwr a few weeks ago."

"Aye," says Dai. "This is when he was a boy."

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A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.

"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"

"Oh, hell," replied the drunkard. "I could have sworn this was the bus to Llanelli."


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A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr Jones in the small village of Llanfair and give him the coded message: "The tulips are blooming well today."

Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage.

He knocked on the door and the owner emerged: "Are you Mr Jones?"

"I am."

"The tulips are blooming well today."

Mr Jones stared at him in amazement then smiled: "Ah, you must have the wrong house.

"It's Jones the Spy you want.

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A tourist sauntered into a pub in Llandrindod Wells and said: "what's the quickest way to get to Brecon from here?
Rhodri the landlord answered: "Are you walking or going by car?"
The tourist answered: "By car, of course."
Rhodri said: "Well, that's the quickest way."

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Dai was watching a Six Nations game in Cardiff.

In the packed stadium there was only one empty seat, right next to him.

"Whose is that seat?" asked a man in the row behind.

"I got the ticket for my wife," said Dai. "But she died in an accident."

"So you're keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect?"

"No," said the fan, "I offered it to all of my friends."

"So why didn't they take it?"

"They've all gone to the funeral."
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 I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. It was a ridiculously long name

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Jones the farmer and his son Berwyn sign up for a sight-seeing tour in a small aircraft. As always, Jones angles for the best deal possible.

"Very well, Mr Jones," says the pilot. "If you can go through the entire flight without making a sound, you and Berwyn can have your tickets for free."

So the plane takes off and the pilot makes sure it's a rough one, launching almost straight up, flying under the Severn Bridge, using every single bit of acrobatics in his repertoire and doing a loop at the end.

Jones says nothing. After they land, the pilot turns to Jones in disbelief.

"Mr Jones, I've been doing this for 20 years and no-one's ever been able to hold back from screaming. Tell me, was there ever a point in the flight where you wanted to say something?"

"Aye," Jones replies. "When Berwyn fell out."

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A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream. He shouted over in Welsh: "Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!"

The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.

But still the man couldn't hear him.

Finally the farmer walked right up to him and repeated his warning. To which the man replied: "Dreadfully sorry, my good man, I can't understand a word you say. Can you speak English, old chap?"

"Oh I see," said the farmer. "I was just saying if you use both hands you can get more in."

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An Englishman, Scotsman and Welshman walk into a bar. Each orders a pint of Brain's but, as they're served, a fly lands in each pint.

The Englishman immediately pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman thinks for a few seconds, shrugs, and also pushes the pint away.

The Welshman turns bright red, picks the fly out of the beer and holds it over his glass shouting: "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
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Young Dylan comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says his mam. "What part is it?"

The boy says: "I play the part of the Welsh husband."

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell them you want a speaking part."
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On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said: "Burrr... gurrr... King."

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I live in London and people often say to me: "You miss Wales?"

I say: "No, I look nothing like her. She's got long blonde hair and wears a sash."

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After his election win, Dai insisted on everyone calling him Councillor Jones.

Coming back late from the pub after celebrating, he made a right noise trying to get into his house.

"Is that you Dai?" shouted his wife down the stairs.

"Certainly not," he replied drunkenly. "It's Councillor Jones."

"Well, come up quick then, we've only got a few minutes before Dai comes back from the pub."

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Aled the farmer wanted to buy his neighbour's cow, but was shocked to learn it was £50.

"Here I am, your friend and neighbour, and you ask a price like that?" he said.

"Seeing you are my neighbour I'll give you a 20% discount," said the neighbour.

Aled wasn't quite sure what this meant so he said: "I'll think about it."

He was still trying to figure it out when he saw the local schoolmistress. He stopped her and said: "Miss Pugh, if I were to offer you £50, less 20% discount, what would you take off?"

Miss Pugh said: "Everything except my ear­ring."

[FierceKitty]

If several of those didn't first see the light of day in other Celtic nations, I'll eat my eisteddfod, look you.

[FierceKitty]

Real Welsh story. Victorious rugby team on the way home. Captain speaks sternly to Morgan: "You're too drunk to sing with us. You'll have to drive the van instead."

[Orcs]

Right I am bored. So Read no further if easily offended.

Q:- What do you call a Welshman with a Goat and a sheep?
A:Bi-sexual

An Englishman, A Scot and a Welshman go to a brothel in Cardiff.
They are asked if they want individual service or would like an orgy. Intrigued they choose the orgy.
They are directed to the room at the end of the corridor.
Entering they find it full of sheep. the Scots man and the Englishman are astounded, But the Welshman runs in
Thay ask him "What are you doing" the Welshman replies " You don't want to be left with an ugly one!"

[Ithoriel]

Oh, well, if we're doing smut

Q: What do you call a man who can't get a partner so visits prostitutes?
A: Buy-sexual!

Q: What do you have if you have a big green ball in one hand and a big green ball in the other?
A: The undivided attention of the Jolly Green Giant!

Husband and wife are having sex. As always, they are doing it in pitch darkness. Suddenly moved to spice things up a bit she switches on the light .... and is gob-smacked to find her husband is using a strap-on.

"How long have you been using that!?

"All our married life."

"Care to explain?

"Sure. Right after you explain how we have three kids asleep in the next bedroom!"

[Macsen Wledig]

 

Dydd Gŵyl Dewi Hapus

[Gwydion]

Ie, wir. Dydd Gŵyl Dewi Sant hapus iawn chi gyd (heblaw Orcs   )

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Suddenly seems to be a load of static on the channel

[Orcs]

Ie, wir. Dydd Gŵyl Dewi Sant hapus iawn chi gyd (heblaw Orcs   )

Nid yw hynny'n gyfeillgar iawn. 

[Gwydion]

Nid yw hynny'n gyfeillgar iawn. 

Yn wir, mae'n ddrwg gen i

[Elliesdad]

I understand my local council did their usual efficient job...

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-south-yorkshire-64813644

Geoff 😎

[Raider4]

Lol.

"The council had previously been forced to apologise after flying a Welsh flag on St Patrick's Day."

Hmmm, seems to be a pattern emerging here.

I look forward to reading the apology after they fly the Stars & Stripes on 23^rd April.

[flamingpig0]

I like the Welsh!

[FierceKitty]

What I most noticed in Wales was the way people greeted you in the street in small towns. An example some other countries would not do badly to follow.

[sunjester]

What I most noticed in Wales was the way people greeted you in the street in small towns. An example some other countries would not do badly to follow.

In my experience the same is true for much of England (especially in the North) once you get away from the big towns and cities.