Australian Tourism: questions answered

[Glorfindel]

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
    A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
    A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
    A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Orcs]

Thanks for that incredibly useful FAQ.

I am going to Australia in a few months and this has saved me lots of checking on the internet.

Warning - I will be going to the Hippo Racing.

[fsn]

Better take your running shoes. They're big, but they can get up a fair burst of speed!

[Leon]

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

As the old saying goes, I don't have to be faster than a hippo, I just have to be faster than you!

[Westmarcher]

I knew it!  (I always thought Hippos looked vicious.)

By the way, do cows eat people? Alive.         

I know they're good at hiding up trees ...

Disconcertingly, I stayed at Kings Cross the first time I visited Sydney.

[Ithoriel]

Hippos are amateurs compared with diseases and medical conditions

[Westmarcher]

Cheery, cheery. Hope Phil's not reading this.   

[Orcs]

Cheery, cheery. Hope Phil's not reading this.  

I don't see a section titled "Sculpting related deaths"

Anyway, he is probably still  squitting through the eye of a needle poor chap.   

[Westmarcher]

I don't see a section titled "Sculpting related deaths"

Me neither.

Heh! That must mean its safe! 

[Wulf]

Nice to see Drop Bears still getting a mention.

[Ithoriel]

Me neither.

Heh! That must mean its safe! 

Not included in intentional self harm then? I mean, that much damage can't be entirely accidental