English Jokes

[Orcs]

In the interests of Equality -   ie I will take tke mickey out of all and sundry. 




Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A: A Referee.

Q: Why was Fabio Capello speeding?
A: To get three points.

Q: What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
A: Fish and ships

Q: What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John?
A: Princess Diana never became a queen of England

Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?
A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.

Q: who's the best football player in England?
A: Tom Daley because he dives a lot.

Q: What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea?
A: Bravefart.

Q: Why do the English make better lovers than the Germans?
A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

Q: Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
A: Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

Mr. Cadbury
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa.
"I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied.
He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks as she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his chewy centre.
But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got feckin Allsorts!

Walking Down The Street
One morning, two Englishmen are strolling down a London street, when they see a stray dog licking its own testicles.

One of the Englishmen turns to the other and says, "Say, I wish I could do that!"

His mate watches the dog for a moment, sighs longingly, and replies, "I should say so! But don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"

Sausage

Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on a Saturday night, but only have 50 cents between them.

Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.

Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan.

"We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"

So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out.

Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?"

As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it...

In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now, Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints...

Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as f***...!"

Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"


Future

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

5 quid
Chap walking through the park at night hears a lady's voice in the bushes! "Fancy a good time, only 5 quid?"
"Why not",he thinks
He is just about to grope the lady when a policeman shines his torch!
"What's going on?",asked the policeman
"Do you mind",replied the chap, "I am about to have sex with my wife!"
"Sorry",said the policeman "didn't realise it was your wife!"
"Neither did I till you shone your bloody torch!" responded the husband.

A Girl In London
Two men in a bar. One says "A girl I met in London gave me a sexually transmitted disease".
His mate replies "you were lucky, in Yorkshire you would have had to pay for it!"