Things I learned from watching American films

[fsn]

During the lockdown I have been watching a number of Hollywood Films, and I have learnt much: 

• One must go to bed with a member of the opposite sex within half an hour of meeting
• During sex, one must always keep on one's underwear
• Married couples don't have sex
• Never lock your car
• If your car doesn't start the two most common problems are a) being pursued by zombies, assassins or the Mafia or b) your car has a bomb in it ... and when your car starts ... boom!
• A man with a pistol will beat a man with a sub-machine gun every time
• Every ex-serviceman is from Special Forces
• Special Forces personnel can beat anyone in hand to hand combat - except a 110lb woman with an attitude
• Maverick cops have to have a Lt of a different ethnicity
• American never say "goodbye" to end a telephone call.
• US Forces have not mastered the beret
• A beautiful girl will always believe your story of alien abduction, police corruption or an impending natural disaster - especially if you kidnap her
• If a soldier shows a photograph of their sweetheart to their pal, they die.
• US police forces either ignore car chases completely or follow them with at least 50 vehicles.

[Glorfindel]

Well, I'm married and I can vouch for one of those....

[FierceKitty]

* Lieutenant is proounced lootentant.  
* It is imperative you studiously work so hard to avoid mentioning race that it's obvious you never stop thinking about it.
* Women in bed with their lovers believe it is sexy to hold a sheet firmly against their collarbones.
* UNLESS they're naked and astride, in which case they're probably psychopathic murderesses.
* Any family tensions can be resolved with a five-minute heart-to-heart on the verandah swing (if mother and daughter) or on a boat with fishing rods in hand (if father and son). Fathers may give advice to young daughters as long as it's clear this will be ignored.
* See post above, re getting into bed within half an hour - actually, this is true with American women, as long as you have a foreign accent.
* Watching the road while driving is optional.
* Sex fiends with a nightmare cellar will have a faithful dog, to which they are devoted. A dog is nonetheless one of the most potent icons of happy domesticity.
* The options open to a black actor are: manic squeaky-voiced comedy; suffering victimhood; tough boss; faithful sidekick.
* There are more options open to a black actress, but if she wants an Oscar, she'd better be very pale.
* Outside of crime films, a Suth'n genn'l'm'n will always be a gentleman.
* An Italian is either comic relief or a dangerous criminal. Despite the latter, the Mafia is a Russian organisation (Ukraine is part of Russia).
* No Italian or Hispanic is ever a redhead, and very seldom a blond(e).
* No attempt may ever be made to get South African, Australian, or northern English accents right. The more attractive American accents will usually be exaggerated out of recognition.
* Special effects are an acceptable substitute for plot.
* Costuming is a desireable substitute for acting, and for direction of performers that wouldn't disgrace a small-town amateur dramatic society.
* Very few actors and no actresses shall be hired with any attention to whether they can speak a full sentence without touching the volume control. Scripts shall be written accordingly.
* No director shall be hired who understands that montage can make thematic as well as narrative points. Any director who likes to look through a viewfinder and think about a shot can forget about ever getting an Oscar for his work.
* Anything with a female-focussed plot and a female director will be praised for every irrelevant reason imaginable, unless it is remotely worth watching, in which case she will be accused of selling out to the patriarchy.

I'm rambling rather, but that's what house arrest in plague time does to one.

[flamingpig0]

The thing I get from American films is that two people  can solve disputes by shouting at each other.

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Ok

       *All of the UK is London(Mind you lots of bloody suferners belive that as well)
       *All British accents are cute
       * The British cant spell their own language.

[FierceKitty]

They usually CAN'T spell, puncuate, or use their own language with any attention to syntax or lexis. Which is why they lost their dominant position in world literature to Americans, Australians, and Indians.

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

They usually CAN'T spell, puncuate, or use their own language with any attention to syntax or lexis. Which is why they lost their dominant position in world literature to Americans, Australians, and Indians.

Good one coming from a sud afrikan - who misspelled punctuate 

And don't forget, Shakespeare couldn't spell

[FierceKitty]

Of course not. It's a much-overrated skill. To this day, I'm never sure how to spell neice/niece. Nor care I overmuch.

[Orcs]

From westerns

* A cowboys six shot revolver can shoot 10 plus shots before needing reloading
* A cowboys revolver is accurate enough to hit a man  on a galloping horse at 100 yards plus
* Riding shotgun on a stage coach means you will die.
* All Ladies in westerns can afford expensive dresses.
* The cowboys sidekick Injun is loyal and dependable. All other Injuns are deceitful, cruel and unreliable. 
* All mexicans wear sombreros
* All mexicans ae lazy
* The heroine is always single

[Raider4]

Mobile phones work absolutely everywhere and instantly, except when it's vital to the plot that they suddenly don't.

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

War films - all automatic weapons

a) Don't overheat (they do)
b) If fired by the hero have an unlimited loaded supply of ammunition (Clint Eastwood in Where Eagles Dare)

[Wulf]

Cars will explode in flames if dropped more than 2 feet offroad, but will survive & drive on after leaping any distance onto a road surface (despite bending like a banana on impact, they'll be fine when they drive away).

Nobody ever thinks to shoot UNDER a car at an enemy sheltering behind it...

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Car doors give cover from bullets - they don't

[Ithoriel]

Nobody ever thinks to shoot UNDER a car at an enemy sheltering behind it...

I've lost track of the number of baddies I've seen shot in the ankle as they fire on the heroes* while both sides shoot from behind cars. The hero* then either shoots them a second time and finishes them off or they remain out of action until stretchered off or lead away with no sign of a limp.


*Heroes, male and female, kick ass and take names. Heroines scream, swoon and need rescuing.

[Duke Speedy of Leighton]

Chaps,
Moderator hat on. 
I know a lot of Hollywood films were awfully stereotyped back on the day, but mind how we get too deeply into the racist side of things. Things have improved, but let's be careful here.
Most Indians were played by Mexicans too...