Duck

Started by Orcs, 10 March 2020, 07:31:40 AM

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Orcs


Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Techno

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I LIKE that !!...Nice one , Mark. :)

Cheers - Phil

paulr

Lord Lensman of Wellington
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2022 Painting Competition - Runner-Up!
2023 Painting Competition - Runner-Up!

Lord Kermit of Birkenhead

That were terrible  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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Lord Kermit of Birkenhead
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Steve J

Terrible yet very funny at the same time ;D ;D ;D

FierceKitty

Another of my faves.
I don't drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee.

Ithoriel

A man is perusing the menu in a restaurant when the waiter arrives to ask if he is ready to order.

"I'm not sure," says the man," Poultry of some sort I think."

"Excellent choice sir, we have chicken, turkey or goose dishes tonight."

The diner looks startled and says,"Duck."

"I'm sorry sir, we have chicken, turkey or goose."

"Duck!" insists the diner.

"We don't have any duck, sir."

The diner throws himself to the floor, pounds the carpet and screams,"DUUUUUCK!!!!!!!"

****************************

Two men are standing over a dead body.

"I don't understand it, Inspector, I told him to duck the moment I saw the madman with the gun."
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Techno

 X_X

Cheers - Phil   ;D

jimduncanuk

Quote from: Orcs on 10 March 2020, 07:31:40 AM
Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."


I heard that joke many years ago from a very senior veterinarian in line for a knighthood.

He didn't get the knighthood so maybe the joke wasn't as good as he thought it was.
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