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Author Topic: Talking Dog  (Read 519 times)
Westmarcher
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Sir Oik of Westmarch


« on: 28 February 2020, 07:44:26 PM »

A man sees a sign outside a farm:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He knocks the door, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back yard.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" the owner says.
"10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's such a liar...... He's never been out of the farm!
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jimduncanuk
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« Reply #1 on: 28 February 2020, 07:56:33 PM »

Woof.
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steve_holmes_11
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« Reply #2 on: 28 February 2020, 08:52:20 PM »

This one concerns a collie dog, another canine talker.

"Hey Farmer", says the dog, "I'm back with your forty sheep".
"Come now Shep", says the farmer, "You know I have only thirty seven".
"Yes", says Shep, "But I rounded them up".

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Techno
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« Reply #3 on: 28 February 2020, 09:04:13 PM »

Like both of those !!  Grin Grin

Cheers - Phil
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Techno....AND STILL.....The most picked on member of the forum since 2011
Dr Dave
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« Reply #4 on: 28 February 2020, 09:12:51 PM »

Both of those are pretty RUFF  Grin Grin Grin
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FierceKitty
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The dog is a peasant. The cat is a gentleman.


« Reply #5 on: 29 February 2020, 12:02:39 AM »

 Grin Grin
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Ithoriel
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« Reply #6 on: 29 February 2020, 02:33:19 AM »

Bloke walks into a bar, gets a pint and is looking round for a seat when he spots a local farmer sitting at a table with his sheepdog up on a chair opposite him.

He strolls across and as he does so he realises there's a chess board on the table and both the farmer and his dog are pushing pieces around.

"It's almost like the two of you are actually playing," says the bloke.

"We are," says the farmer, "I taught him myself."

"Wow!," the bloke exclaims,"that's amazing!"

"What's amazing?" asks the farmer.

"That your dog's so clever!"

"He's not that clever, I beat him every time!"
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Techno
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« Reply #7 on: 29 February 2020, 07:42:51 AM »

Not bad !  Grin

Cheers - Phil
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ianrs54
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« Reply #8 on: 29 February 2020, 08:16:30 AM »

They just get ruffer and ruffer !
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FierceKitty
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The dog is a peasant. The cat is a gentleman.


« Reply #9 on: 29 February 2020, 10:08:56 AM »

Jannie van der Merwe (South African stock character, rustic idiot type with profound distrust of every other race and culture) tells Koos, his brother, that he's going to Durban for the weekend. "OK, Jan," says Koos. "Have fun, but don't go to the Indian market. Those (offensive racial epithet deleted) will rob you blind."

Jannie leaves the farm, gets to Durban, loses six months' profits at the casino, gets hammered at a bar, and ends up following his tour group to the Indian market on Sunday morning, where an enterprising merchant tries to sell him a scruffy mongrel for fifty rands. He points out that this is real money for him, and that they have plenty of dogs back on the farm. The Indian takes him to the beach, with constant beguiling sales patter, and throws a stick into the waves. The dog gives chase, pauses at the water's edge, then trots daintily over the waves to retrieve the stick. Jannie decides this is fifty rands well spent, and the sale is concluded to everyone's satisfaction.

Back home, Jannie shows Koos the dog. "You paid fifty rands for that mutt?!" is followed by Jannie's taking a sceptical Koos to the dam, where he throws a stick. The dog follows it to the water and repeats his levitating trick, walking over the surface of the water. Koos looks sadly at Jannie: "Last time I let you go anywhere alone, little brother. I warned you about those (offensive racial epithet deleted). Fifty rands for a dog that can't even swim!"
« Last Edit: 29 February 2020, 10:11:48 AM by FierceKitty » Logged

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Techno
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« Reply #10 on: 29 February 2020, 11:08:03 AM »

Yep !

I like that one, as well !  Grin Grin Grin

Cheers - Phil.
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Westmarcher
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Sir Oik of Westmarch


« Reply #11 on: 29 February 2020, 12:44:53 PM »

 I don't want to see

 Grin Grin Grin
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Westmarcher
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Sir Oik of Westmarch


« Reply #12 on: 29 February 2020, 09:53:56 PM »

Recent headline on the BBC website - "World's Most Expensive Sheepdog Sells for 18k" - and it doesn't even talk.  Grin
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tyne-51620008
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« Reply #13 on: 01 March 2020, 08:14:31 AM »

Hands up, all who remember the 'talking dog' who could say "sausages"......But that was a bit of a cheat.

This
clip is quite well done !! www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdwjQIp8lCo 
Have  a gander if you haven't seen it before.  Smiley

Cheers - Phil
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ianrs54
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« Reply #14 on: 01 March 2020, 08:45:13 AM »

It were never the most convincing act were it !
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