Jokes

[FierceKitty]

I rather like Welsh accents, look you.

[Orcs]

It occurs that we might want Phil to get Tetanus - it will keep him quiet - lock jaw 

Slight problem - He uses his fingers to talk on here

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

I got a big 'ammer 

[FierceKitty]

Just lend it to him. 

[OldenBUA]

Just lend it to him. 

I'm afraid that will just force Leon to introduce a new range of 'flats'.

[Lord Kermit of Birkenhead]

Pun on radio 4

It's not the sea, its a whaleway, and ports are whaleway station. 

[O Dinas Powys]

Pun on radio 4

It's not the sea, its a whaleway, and ports are whaleway station.  

Also from R4 - modified from More or Less - one for the statistically minded amongst us:

When examining a data set you don't just have to consider what it means...



Its modes and medians are also important  

[fsn]

Well played sir, well played!

I'm putting that in my very small portfolio of quotes about statistics. 

[Last Hussar]

An Englishman, a Frenchmen, a young woman, and an old lady, are sitting together on a train when it goes through a tunnel and it goes dark. A loud slap is heard, and then the Frenchman is rubbing his face.

The old lady thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the young woman, and she slapped him'

The young woman thinks 'I bet he tried to touch the old lady thinking it was me, and she slapped him'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet the Englishman tried to touch the young woman, and she thought it was me'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for the next tunnel so I can slap him again'

****

A woman walked into the dentist very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than have my teeth checked."
"Fine with me," said the dentist, "But I'll have to adjust the chair."

[FierceKitty]

 

[ronan]

 

[Techno]

 

Cheers - Phil

[Ithoriel]

King Auric the Golden not only had a very rich kingdom and an incredibly beautiful daughter but also had a problem with a dragon which plundered parts of the kingdom from time to time.

Realising that he was dying and keen to secure the future of daughter and kingdom both he announced that whomsoever could slay the dragon would be named his heir and marry the princess. What the princess thought of this is not recorded.

Would-be heirs and husbands gathered aplenty and each announced themselves to the crowd before entering the dragons lair ....

An incredibly stylish young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the troubadour Rolande de Provence and I do this for love!" He entered the lair but within moments the dragon had swallowed him in a single bite.

Next an incredibly pious young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the Paladin Manuel of Aragon and I do this for my god!" He entered the lair but in only a few more moments than it had taken with the troubadour the dragon had also swallowed him in a single bite.

Following the paladin an incredibly handsome young man stepped forward and declared,"I am the hero Gottfried of Hamburg and I do this for glory!" He entered the lair but like the others before him the dragon gobbled him up in a single bite.

Next up was a red-haired young man in a kilt,"A'm Gregor MacGregor o' the clan MacGregor an' ahm dain' this cuz ahm skint and need the money" Striding towards the lair, claymore and targe in hand he started to shuck off his shirt. For the next hour or more the sound of battle resounds from the beasts lair, then, all goes quiet. Then. Chop! Chop! Chop!! And the sounds of something heavy being dragged.

Gregor emerges from the cave, dragging the dragon's enormous head behind him, shoogling his shirt back into place.

Amazed, Auric stammers out a "well done" before demanding,"Why on earth didn't the thing swallow you whole like the others?

"Ah!," says canny Gregor,"A had this tattooed oan ma chest."

He pulls his shirt back off once more to reveal the words,"Glasgow Rangers Best Football Team in the World!"

"No even a dragon wid swallae that!!"



Pass me my coat once you've finished chewing it fsn

[fsn]

Coming from a long line of Celtic fans, I think the story is eminently believable.

[Techno]

Gimme strength..... But it made me laugh. 

Cheers - Phil