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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 3158 times)
Orcs
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« on: 21 October 2019, 11:42:07 AM »

Sunjester sent me some jokes, but out of the 13 jokes these are all I can post here.

The others were much better, but so un PC even I am censoring them.  Cheesy

Due to a water shortage Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screwfix Direct Thanking me for my interest , but explaining they were not a dating agency.  ( For non-UK readers Screw Fix is a hardware supplier)

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it's £2.50 a minute (charges may vary)

Just booked a table for Valentines day for me and the wife (yes FK I know it should be my wife and I). Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker

If you get an email telling you you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it - Its Spam.
 
« Last Edit: 21 October 2019, 12:22:04 PM by Orcs » Logged

My aim in life was to P*ss off one person a day. I am so far ahead of schedule I will have to live to 97 even if I stop now.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.
FierceKitty
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« Reply #1 on: 21 October 2019, 12:09:57 PM »

No, your version is considerably better than the alleged correction.
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I have not the pleasure of understanding you. Of what are you talking?
Techno
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« Reply #2 on: 21 October 2019, 12:23:35 PM »

Nice ones, Mark.

I'll have to admit I had to think about one of them for a few seconds !  Embarrassed

Cheers - Phil Smiley
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Techno....AND STILL.....The most picked on member of the forum since 2011
ianrs54
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WWW
« Reply #3 on: 21 October 2019, 12:32:17 PM »

Get out
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FOG IN CHANNEL - EUROPE CUT OFF HURRAY

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mmcv
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« Reply #4 on: 21 October 2019, 06:17:51 PM »

No, your version is considerably better than the alleged correction.

If would only be "my wife and I" if it was at the start of the statement, "me" is the correct usage here as far as I'm aware. Way I always remember it is if you take the other person out of the statement does it still make sense?

So just as you wouldn't say "me just booked a table" and " just booked a table for I" thus you shouldn't say "me and the wife booked a table" or "booked a table for the wife and I". Or so the grammar police say.

Me/myself are fairly interchangeable.
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mad lemmey
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« Reply #5 on: 21 October 2019, 08:02:32 PM »

Man walks into a pub with a screwdriver over his held "This is not a drill."
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Chekov's Gun, Occam's Razor, and Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle walk into a bar. You won't believe what happens next!

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mad lemmey
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« Reply #6 on: 21 October 2019, 08:03:42 PM »

When Phillips first invented the crossbar screwdriver, was it all 'torque'!
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Chekov's Gun, Occam's Razor, and Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle walk into a bar. You won't believe what happens next!

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mollinary
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« Reply #7 on: 21 October 2019, 09:34:01 PM »

When Phillips first invented the crossbar screwdriver, was it all 'torque'!

Who’s been watching “Only Connect” then?  Wink Wink
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mad lemmey
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« Reply #8 on: 22 October 2019, 06:59:26 AM »

Me
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Off to the Shed of Decency.

Chekov's Gun, Occam's Razor, and Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle walk into a bar. You won't believe what happens next!

2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner 😎
Orcs
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« Reply #9 on: 22 October 2019, 07:46:09 AM »

Who’s been watching “Only Connect” then?  Wink Wink

There are a couple of reasons to watch "Only Connect", I wonder what they are ?  Evil

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My aim in life was to P*ss off one person a day. I am so far ahead of schedule I will have to live to 97 even if I stop now.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.
fsn
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« Reply #10 on: 22 October 2019, 11:49:47 AM »

She will always be Victoria Coren to me ... that two-bit so called comedian isn't good enough for her!   Angry
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Lord Oik of Runcorn
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Oik of the Year 2013
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15mm is dead. It just doesn't know it yet.
Orcs
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« Reply #11 on: 09 November 2019, 12:42:24 AM »

She will always be Victoria Coren to me ... that two-bit so called comedian isn't good enough for her!   Angry

Just because you want to play with her puppies!!
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My aim in life was to P*ss off one person a day. I am so far ahead of schedule I will have to live to 97 even if I stop now.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.
fsn
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« Reply #12 on: 09 November 2019, 08:49:01 AM »

 Embarrassed
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Lord Oik of Runcorn
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Oik of the Year 2013
Oik of the Year 2014
Prize for originality and 'having a go, bless him', 2015
3 votes in the 2016 Painting Competition!

15mm is dead. It just doesn't know it yet.
Raider4
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« Reply #13 on: 27 May 2020, 08:16:22 AM »

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are on a road trip, when they're pulled over.
The police officer walks up and asks if they know how fast they're going.
Heisenberg replies "We do not, but we do know exactly where we are!"

The cop thinks "Ah, a smart-arse" and decides to search the vehicle.
He opens the boot and asks "Did you know you've got a dead cat in here?"
Schrodinger says, "Well, now we do . . ."
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Techno
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« Reply #14 on: 27 May 2020, 10:23:40 AM »

I like that one. Smiley

Cheers - Phil
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FSN IS an oik...I wonder when he'll change his signature again . :-)
Techno....AND STILL.....The most picked on member of the forum since 2011
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