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18 July 2018, 12:06:36 AM

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Author Topic: A Bargain  (Read 364 times)
SV52
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Posts: 782



« on: 08 July 2018, 12:50:01 PM »

Man has money troubles so decides to take out a large policy on his wife and then have her murdered.   He makes enquiries and is directed to a sleazy pub where he is instructed to ask for Artie. So in the fulness of time, he arranges the meet. 

"I'm Artie, what can I do for you?"  The situation is explained and Artie agrees to do the deed for £5000.  Unfortunately says the man he has no money until the wife's insurance pays out. Artie insists on a payment up front.  Man says he only has £1 and persuades Artie to take the £1 as down payment.

Artie trails the wife for some time and corners her in the veg isle in Tesco where he strangles her.  The manager hearing the commotion comes to investigate, so Artie strangles him as well, no witnesses.

Sadly for Artie, the whole business is recorded on CCTV and he gets arrested.

The following day's headline reads, 'Artie chokes two for a pound in Tesco.'
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FierceKitty
General
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Posts: 8325


Down south of the border....


« Reply #1 on: 08 July 2018, 01:15:49 PM »

Ouch!
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My opponents never play well. I was unlucky/the rules are unfair/I was off form/I felt sorry for him and let him win....
Techno
Field Marshal
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Posts: 16165



« Reply #2 on: 08 July 2018, 03:58:25 PM »

 I don't want to see I don't want to see I don't want to see I don't want to see I don't want to see I don't want to see

Go and get your coat !

Cheers - Phil
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FSN IS an oik...I wonder when he'll change his signature again . :-)
Techno....AND STILL.....The most picked on member of the forum since 2011
SV52
Lieutenant Colonel
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Posts: 782



« Reply #3 on: 08 July 2018, 04:37:25 PM »

Always leave 'em wantin' more. Cheesy
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Last Hussar
Brigadier
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Posts: 2484



« Reply #4 on: 11 July 2018, 12:18:30 AM »

Or in this case, less.
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Will Wargame for payment
Ithoriel
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Posts: 5644



« Reply #5 on: 11 July 2018, 09:58:18 AM »

A patient absconds from a mental hospital and, being broke, concocts a scheme to make money.

Realising that people often park on the double yellow lines outside the local launderette, they pose as a traffic warden and issue fake on-the-spot fines.

Eventually rumbled by a suspicious "victim" they flee the scene.

The following day the local paper has the headline

"Nut Screws Washers and Bolts"

... I'll get my coat Smiley
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Growing old is mandatory, growing up is entirely optional!
Techno
Field Marshal
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Posts: 16165



« Reply #6 on: 11 July 2018, 11:47:42 AM »

That's SO bad, it's quite good !! Grin Grin Grin Grin

Cheers - Phil
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FSN IS an oik...I wonder when he'll change his signature again . :-)
Techno....AND STILL.....The most picked on member of the forum since 2011
ianrs54
Playtester
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Posts: 6167



WWW
« Reply #7 on: 11 July 2018, 12:27:27 PM »

It's probably true. Way back int 70's there were a fake warden in Liscard. Took 5 days to catch and arrest 'im.
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FOG IN CHANNEL - EUROPE CUT OFF HURRAY
Westmarcher
Brigadier
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Posts: 2276


Ruff! Ruff!


« Reply #8 on: 11 July 2018, 02:11:06 PM »

Chicago nightclub owner and gangster, Phil “The Dremel” Lewis (Yes. I know. Isn’t it a coincidence?) loved his music and clothes - particularly his shoes. One day, while browsing in his favourite shoe shop, Flip-Flops, Slip-ons & Nick Nacks(Yes. I know. Isn’t it a coincidence?), he came across the most wonderful pair of shoes. Trying them on, they fitted like gloves (yes, he did have strangely long toes). Soon, he was walking out the door, proudly wearing his new shoes when, suddenly, a fierce cat  (Yes. I know.) pounce attacked his feet and shredded the shoes with its pointy teeth and sharp tongue. Horror! "Lemmy at him!” screamed “The Dremel” - but Lemmey was no where to be seen and the savage kitty was gone!

Immediately, the order went out, "Find me that cat!” but the days and weeks went by and no errant moggy found. Then, one day at dinner, when “The Dremel” was entertaining his favourite Big Band leader, a knock at the door was heard. “Come in!” said "The Dremel” and in marched a henchman with a scruffy suspect.

“Pardon me, Boss. Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?”

… and the rest is history.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3gsPBTmbRo" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3gsPBTmbRo</a>
[Right. I'll get my ..... Heh! Who's been chewing my coat?] 
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I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
FierceKitty
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Down south of the border....


« Reply #9 on: 11 July 2018, 02:27:42 PM »

Under the medicine man's orders, the brave Lazy Dog Sleeps Late tried to combat tension headaches by swallowing a long strip of leather, one inch a day. Two weeks later, having ingested the whole thing and feeling no better, he went back for another consultation. "Ah", remarked Charges High Fees, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
« Last Edit: 11 July 2018, 02:31:20 PM by FierceKitty » Logged

My opponents never play well. I was unlucky/the rules are unfair/I was off form/I felt sorry for him and let him win....
Leman
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« Reply #10 on: 11 July 2018, 04:10:02 PM »

 Grin Grin Oh dear!
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The artist formerly known as Dour Puritan!
Ithoriel
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« Reply #11 on: 11 July 2018, 07:26:18 PM »

A man takes on two Irishmen, a Scot and a Scouser to help him edit a blog but they wind up constantly rewriting each other's entries so, finally, in frustration he emails them ...

Mick, Mac, Paddy, Wack leave the blog alone!
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Growing old is mandatory, growing up is entirely optional!
Orcs
Major General
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Posts: 3439

Thread Derailment Specialist


« Reply #12 on: 11 July 2018, 10:26:58 PM »

A man takes on two Irishmen, a Scot and a Scouser to help him edit a blog but they wind up constantly rewriting each other's entries so, finally, in frustration he emails them ...

Mick, Mac, Paddy, Wack leave the blog alone!

I remember its original version. It was very un PC............  Perhaps that's why I remember it  Smiley
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My aim in life is to P*ss off one person a day.  Currently I am 3 years  1 month  and 23 days ahead of schedule.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

We are all above the line of normality. Its just we all draw the line at a different level
FierceKitty
General
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Posts: 8325


Down south of the border....


« Reply #13 on: 12 July 2018, 03:15:42 AM »

Less un-PC if the minority member is a Frog.
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My opponents never play well. I was unlucky/the rules are unfair/I was off form/I felt sorry for him and let him win....
ianrs54
Playtester
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Posts: 6167



WWW
« Reply #14 on: 12 July 2018, 07:12:37 AM »

Less un-PC if the minority member is a Frog.
Why ave a go at the French ?
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