A Bargain

Started by SV52, 08 July 2018, 12:50:01 PM

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SV52

Man has money troubles so decides to take out a large policy on his wife and then have her murdered.   He makes enquiries and is directed to a sleazy pub where he is instructed to ask for Artie. So in the fulness of time, he arranges the meet. 

"I'm Artie, what can I do for you?"  The situation is explained and Artie agrees to do the deed for £5000.  Unfortunately says the man he has no money until the wife's insurance pays out. Artie insists on a payment up front.  Man says he only has £1 and persuades Artie to take the £1 as down payment.

Artie trails the wife for some time and corners her in the veg isle in Tesco where he strangles her.  The manager hearing the commotion comes to investigate, so Artie strangles him as well, no witnesses.

Sadly for Artie, the whole business is recorded on CCTV and he gets arrested.

The following day's headline reads, 'Artie chokes two for a pound in Tesco.'
"The time has come, the walrus said..."

2017 Paint-Off - Winner!

FierceKitty

I don't drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee.

Techno

 X_X X_X X_X X_X X_X X_X

Go and get your coat !

Cheers - Phil

SV52

Always leave 'em wantin' more. :D
"The time has come, the walrus said..."

2017 Paint-Off - Winner!

Last Hussar

Or in this case, less.
I have neither the time or the crayons to explain why you are wrong.

GNU PTerry

Ithoriel

A patient absconds from a mental hospital and, being broke, concocts a scheme to make money.

Realising that people often park on the double yellow lines outside the local launderette, they pose as a traffic warden and issue fake on-the-spot fines.

Eventually rumbled by a suspicious "victim" they flee the scene.

The following day the local paper has the headline

"Nut Screws Washers and Bolts"

... I'll get my coat :)
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Techno

That's SO bad, it's quite good !! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Cheers - Phil

Lord Kermit of Birkenhead

It's probably true. Way back int 70's there were a fake warden in Liscard. Took 5 days to catch and arrest 'im.
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Lord Kermit of Birkenhead
Muppet of the year 2019, 2020 and 2021

Westmarcher

Chicago nightclub owner and gangster, Phil "The Dremel" Lewis (Yes. I know. Isn't it a coincidence?) loved his music and clothes - particularly his shoes. One day, while browsing in his favourite shoe shop, Flip-Flops, Slip-ons & Nick Nacks(Yes. I know. Isn't it a coincidence?), he came across the most wonderful pair of shoes. Trying them on, they fitted like gloves (yes, he did have strangely long toes). Soon, he was walking out the door, proudly wearing his new shoes when, suddenly, a fierce cat  (Yes. I know.) pounce attacked his feet and shredded the shoes with its pointy teeth and sharp tongue. Horror! "Lemmy at him!" screamed "The Dremel" - but Lemmey was no where to be seen and the savage kitty was gone!

Immediately, the order went out, "Find me that cat!" but the days and weeks went by and no errant moggy found. Then, one day at dinner, when "The Dremel" was entertaining his favourite Big Band leader, a knock at the door was heard. "Come in!" said "The Dremel" and in marched a henchman with a scruffy suspect.

"Pardon me, Boss. Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

... and the rest is history.


[Right. I'll get my ..... Heh! Who's been chewing my coat?] 
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

FierceKitty

11 July 2018, 02:27:42 PM #9 Last Edit: 11 July 2018, 02:31:20 PM by FierceKitty
Under the medicine man's orders, the brave Lazy Dog Sleeps Late tried to combat tension headaches by swallowing a long strip of leather, one inch a day. Two weeks later, having ingested the whole thing and feeling no better, he went back for another consultation. "Ah", remarked Charges High Fees, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
I don't drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee.

Leman

The artist formerly known as Dour Puritan!

Ithoriel

A man takes on two Irishmen, a Scot and a Scouser to help him edit a blog but they wind up constantly rewriting each other's entries so, finally, in frustration he emails them ...

Mick, Mac, Paddy, Wack leave the blog alone!
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Orcs

Quote from: Ithoriel on 11 July 2018, 07:26:18 PM
A man takes on two Irishmen, a Scot and a Scouser to help him edit a blog but they wind up constantly rewriting each other's entries so, finally, in frustration he emails them ...

Mick, Mac, Paddy, Wack leave the blog alone!

I remember its original version. It was very un PC............  Perhaps that's why I remember it  :)
The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson

FierceKitty

Less un-PC if the minority member is a Frog.
I don't drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee.

Lord Kermit of Birkenhead

Quote from: FierceKitty on 12 July 2018, 03:15:42 AM
Less un-PC if the minority member is a Frog.
Why ave a go at the French ?
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Lord Kermit of Birkenhead
Muppet of the year 2019, 2020 and 2021