Shaggy Dogs and other groanworthy tales

Started by Ithoriel, 07 July 2018, 05:24:50 PM

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Ithoriel

I encourage you to add your own awful tales :)

Working in IT

Driven hither and yon by the wind, a man in a hot air balloon is lost. He reduces height and, spotting a man below, shouts, "excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man replies, "yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be a techie," says the balloonist.
"I am, how did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is correct, but it is no use to anyone."

The man on the ground says, "you must be a project manager."
"What makes you say that?"
"Well," says the man on the ground, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Koala Tea

An Australian called Marcy works in a Koala Sanctuary and the koalas get everywhere.

One day Marcy makes coffee .... and it tastes strange. More like tea than coffee but delicious.

Horrified, she realises she's made her "coffee" with leaves that have passed through a Koala's digestive system .... but it's delicious.

So, she tells the Director who decides to try this Koala Tea.

Marcy makes a brew and sets out a couple of cups and the Director reaches for the tea strainer.

Marcy puts out a hand to stop them and says,"For goodness sake, don't you know the Koala Tea of Marcy is not strained!


Heaven and Hell

Who's computer records are safer?

Heaven's or Hell's?

Heaven's .... don't you know ... Jesus Saves!


The Roaring Twenties

A notorious gangland hitman enters a posh New York restaurant.

The maitre d' turns to an underling and quietly says,"Get the staff safely out of the way."

The underling looks puzzled and the maitre d' explains,"That's The Panda. He's an assassin. Tracks his victim to their favourite restaurant, has a meal at a nearby table, shoots them and then flees the scene."

"The Panda", says the underling, confused.

"The Panda,"confirms the maitre d',"Eats, Shoots and Leaves."
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

d_Guy

A few years ago an editorial writer for the San Fransico Chronicle used the best (and must groan worthy) pun ever.
In complaining about local traffic problems he referred to the Golden Gate Bridge as the Car Tangled Spanner. Buda-Boom!
Sleep with clean hands ...

Raider4

Back in 2000, the mighty Celtic - one of the 2 giants of Scottish football - were beaten 1-3 at home by lowly Inverness Caledonian Thistle.

The headline in the Sun - a tabloid newspaper that's usually not even fit for using as toilet paper - was:

Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious.

Brilliant.

Ithoriel

It's WW2, The Forgotten Army are slogging their way through the jungles of Burma when they come to a wide river, full of crocodiles.

A sapper is detailed to take a cable across the river but is barely on the near bank when a huge croc swallows him in a single gulp.

An infantry colonel says,"No good leaving this sort of thing to the support arms , let me send a fighting man."

The designated squaddie is barely in the water when he too it swallowed up.

A colonel of the Guards says,"My men are the pick of the Army they'll get a rope across."

So a handsome, imposing looking guardsman sets of but is barely a third of the way across when a croc snaps him up.

A tankie colonel says,"This sin't a job for the infantry, let my boys do it."

So an armoured vehicle noses into the river but gets bogged down. The crew clamber out to free it and are gobbled up in short order.

The general in charge becomes aware of a muttered conversation behind him to find a Scots colonel and a sergeant deep in conversation.

"What's going on?" he asks.

"Sir , my sergeant says he has a guy can get across no problem"

"Well get on with it then!" snaps the general.

A small, scruffy, weedy looking Scot steps from the ranks, peels off his clothes and swims across with the rope, entirely unmolested.

Gobsmacked, the general sputters,"What ... how ... how did he manage that?"

"'s tha tattoo, sir." says the sergeant.

"Tattoo man?"

"Aye, it says 'Inverness Caledonian Thistle Best Team Ever' an' no even a crocodile wid swallae that!"
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Techno

Very good, Gentlemen !!  :)

Cheers - Phil

Ithoriel

After decades of near neglect NASA is given a huge boost to it's budget and soon has bases on the Moon and Mars plus orbital stations circling Jupiter and Saturn.

Advances in technology as a result of this much expanded program lead to a project to use wormholes to travel to distant solar systems.

A few robotic probes are, more or less, successfully sent through the wormholes so a manned mission is sent.

Alas, disaster strikes! The wormhole drops them out in close proximity to a star and a final message says that the ship is being torn apart by the immense gravity.

A robot probe is sent in an attempt to retrieve any survivors but all it finds is a single, twisted spanner.

The spanner, being the only thing left of the mission, is encased in a pod and sent into orbit around the Sun, as a memorial to the lost crew.

And, as the US president presses the button to launch the pod, the band strikes up ....

The Star Mangled Spanner!   
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Duke Speedy of Leighton

Warning, three rabbit jokes coming up 🐇 I
You may refer to me as: Your Grace, Duke Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

Duke Speedy of Leighton

Rabbit walks into the butches, butcher looks at the bunny and says "How can I help you?"
Rabbit looks up at him and says "Duh, got any cabbages?"
Butcher, s,ightly taken aback by a talking rabbits, says "Sorry, this is a butchers shop, the green grocers is second on the right."
"Duh, okay."
And off hops the rabbit.

The next morning, the butcher is slicing chops, when the bell rings, and in hops the rabbit...
"Duh, got any cabbages?"
"Sorry, I told you yesterday, greengrocer is second on the right."
"Doh, okay!"
And off hops the rabbit.

The next morning, as dawn breaks, the shop bell rings...
Butcher looks over the counter, and there is his pointy eared friend.
"Duh..."
"I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY, OUT THE DOOR, SECOND ON THE RIGHT!"
"Doh, okay!"

The next day, it's long past lunchtime, the sausage rolls and the pork pies are long gone, when the shop bell rings again...
With a sense of dread, the butcher pops his head over the counter, and ther, grinning up at him, is the rabbit...
"Duh, got any cabbages?"
"I TOLD YOU, AND I KEEP TELLING YOU, THE GREENGROCERS IS OUT THE DOOR AND SECOND ON THE RIGHT, IF YOU CAN'T REMEMEBER THAT, THE NEXT TIME YOU COME IN HERE, I'LL NAIL YOUR F****** EARS TO THE COUNTER!"
The rabbit, looking visibly upset, mumbles "Doh, okay..." and cautiously hops out.

The next day, nothing...

The day after, nowt.

The day after, no bunny.

Days pass, soon, weeks pass.
The rabbit is all but forgotten, but then the bell rings, the butcher, knee deep in offal, says "Be right with you!" He wipes his hands down a tea towel, walks into the shop, looks over the counter to see....
THE RABBIT.
Who loooks up at the butcher, with a grin on his face, and says...
"Duh, got and nails?"
The butcher, taken aback by the temerity of this critter, stands open mouthed, utters "No, why?"
"GOT ANY CABBAGES THEN!"
You may refer to me as: Your Grace, Duke Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

Duke Speedy of Leighton

The rabbit walks into a pub, looks at the barman, and says "Pint of bitter and what food do you do?"
The barman says "Chef's off, but I can do you a toasty?"
Rabbit says, "Ohh, what flavours you got?"
"Cheese, cheese and game, game, ham, or chocolate spread."
"Cheese sounds good."
So, the rabbit tucks in, enjoys his pint, wipes his whiskers and says "The was really good, could I have a pint of larger and a ham toasty!"
"Coming right up."
Rabbit, halfway through his copy of the Times, tucks in, really enjoying it.
"Barkeep, may I try a chocolate toasty?"
Soon, he's tucking in.
He finishes off, pays his tab, and hops out towards the door, as he reaches the door, he starts chocking, his eyes turn red and bulge and he collapses on the floor, foaming at the mouth.
The barman rushes over, picks up the stricken rabbit, and cuddles him in his arms.
"What happened? You okay? Do I need to call a vet?"
The rabbit, taking his last breath, looks up into the barman's eyes, and gasps...
"Mixing-me-toasties!"
You may refer to me as: Your Grace, Duke Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

Duke Speedy of Leighton

08 July 2018, 04:39:38 PM #9 Last Edit: 08 July 2018, 06:23:04 PM by mad lemmey
It's little bunny's first solo trip out into the big, bad world, so, in the middle of the night, he pops his head out the borrow, scouts around, and sees no threat.
He soon realised he's on the embankment of a huge road.
Below him are two hedgehogs, on the verge of the M1 motorway.
The rabbit hops up, and says "What you two doing?"
"F*** off big ears!"
"No, let him watch."
"Alright then, so, floppsy, you stay here." The first hedgehog then scuttles out into the hard shoulder...
"What's he doing?"
"Just watch."
The hedgehog looks left and right, then scuttles out into lane 1. He turns to face the traffic, a van is fast approaching, the hedgehog moves left, then right, then a little back to left.
NEEEOOOOW!
The hedgehog, proud as punch, walks back to the embankment.
"Told you it was easy!"
"Yeah, watch this!"
The second hedgehog strides forwards, gets to the outer edge, and pauses. Various cars go by...
"He'll bottle it!"
The second hedgehog scuttles out, pauses, skips out into lane 1, then, amazingly, Lane 2. Coming towards him, overtaking a camper van, is a huge, two trailered, eighteen wheeler articulated lorry. The hedgehog is up on his back legs, hands gesturing, legs apart in Tory Party aggression stance "Come on you...."
NEEEEOOOOOWWWW....WOOOOOOWWWW....WOOOOOWWW....WOOOOOWWWW.wwwwwwoooowww......
"Sh*t! He did it!" The first hedgehog muttered under his breath as the second hedgehog, absolutely full of himself, struts back to the embankment.
"Easy!"
The little rabbit is so overcome with excitement he's bouncing from one foot to another. "Can I have a go? Can I? That is so cool!"
"Are you f****** insane!" Says Hedgehog 🦔 one.
"No, let him have a go," utters hedgehog 🦔 two.
"Hey, don't look at me, I'm say g he would be mad to do this!"
"I can do it, I can do it!" Screams the rabbit.
The second hedgehog wraps a paw round his shoulder, and whispers "It's really easy, just position yourself right in the middle of the headlights, stay absolutely in the middle, do that and not a single  thing can go wrong."
So, off our long eared hero hops, out into the hard shoulder, nothing!
So, deep breath, he hops out the hard shoulder, gets to the middle of lane one, and... still nothing!
"Right, I'll show them I'm as good as them." And he hops out from lane 1 into lane 2.
Still, nothing, seriously, you have never seen the M1 so empty, not a thing, nowt...
"S*d those spiny gits, I'll show them!"
And then he goes for it, right out into the fast lane, bang in the middle, fast lane of one of the world's bustiest motorways, and still nothing!
In the distance, bunny sees a faint glimmer, it approaches slowly, the rabbit feels nervous, but the lights get closer, closer, left, right a bit, left, always staying in the middle of the gap in the fast approaching lights, the rabbit sits up, he's feeling nervous, but, he knows he can do it, he's brave, he's strong, he's about to...
NEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! SPLAT!
First hedgehog 🦔 looks at the second and says "You know, not often you see a Relient Robin in the fast lane!"
You may refer to me as: Your Grace, Duke Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

Techno


Duke Speedy of Leighton

You may refer to me as: Your Grace, Duke Speedy of Leighton.
2016 Pendraken Painting Competion Participation Prize  (Lucky Dip Catagory) Winner

Ithoriel

A man goes to an exclusive penthouse restaurant and after the meal he's enjoying a fine single malt when the man at the next table engages him in conversation.

"So, whatever you do, you're obviously successful," says the man at the next table.

"I'm a banker,"the first man says,"Making a mint buying up mortgages taken out by those struggling in the current economy  and foreclosing on them. Entirely legal and very lucrative. How about you, what do you do?"

"I'm a reporter,"replies the second man,"It may be legal but I'd worry about the morality of it. But, heck, I'm off duty tonight and this is a fascinating building."

"How so?"asks the banker.

"Well,"says the reporter,"the updraft caused by the shape of the building means that anything going over the edge of the balcony out there is blown onto the balcony just below. Even a person."

"Pah,"says the banker,"small things maybe but a human? Never!"

"I'll tell you what,"says the reporter,"we'll both write a cheque for a hundred thousand dollars. I'll step off the balcony. If I live I get both cheques, if I don't you get them."

"Done!,"says the banker, whipping out his chequebook,"Easiest hundred thou I ever made!"

A few moments later the reporter steps off the balcony and, to the bankers surprise, five minutes later he's back collecting the cheques.

"That's amazing,"says the banker.

"Tell you what,"says the reporter,"Fair's fair. Same deal but for half a million if you step off the balcony."

Moments later the banker steps off the balcony ... and hurtles a hundred floors to a very messy death on the pavement below.

The reporter picks up the cheques and strolls across to the bar,"Seems that sometimes greed isn't good after all."

"You know,"says the barman"sometimes you can be a real dick Superman!"
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Techno