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Author Topic: Differnt way of looking at things.  (Read 1911 times)
Subedai
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« on: 23 January 2018, 01:58:29 PM »

I'll just leave these here.

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family
values..

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
______________________________ _______

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause
I still have mine.'

______________________________ _______
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
______________________________ _______
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids.'
______________________________ _______
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has
been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'

The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
______________________________ _______

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
_____________________________ _______
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from   San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
______________________________ _______
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective..

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
______________________________ _______
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
______________________________ _______
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
______________________________ _______
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
______________________________ _______
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'
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Techno
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« Reply #1 on: 23 January 2018, 04:27:01 PM »

Some oldies but goldies....But a few I hadn't heard before. (And they made I larf.)

Cheers - Phil
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Raider4
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« Reply #2 on: 23 January 2018, 04:56:39 PM »


 . . . 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'


Ha, I actually LOL'd.

Cheers, M.
--
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Steve J
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« Reply #3 on: 23 January 2018, 05:52:34 PM »

 Grin Grin Grin. Never heard those before, but certainly made me chuckle.
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Subedai
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« Reply #4 on: 31 January 2018, 08:39:40 PM »

Another one I received today:   


We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at The Men's
Shed.

One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author  lauded for his
timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an
interesting suggestion.

He said his wife thought that we should read a book called..  "Fifty Shades of
Grey" as we might learn something from it..The chaps were all asked to attend
our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the
book and its relevance to our activities.  The follow-up meeting had a full
house and  the blokes recounted the literary impact the novel had on their
experiences:
Bill Carruthers, 74

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was theonly
place for a good shed.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------
Nick Enwright, 86
She stood before me, trembling in my shed
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her down the pub.-------------------------- ----
------------------------------ -------------
Ted Roberts, 79
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder
until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure.Now for the other Wellie.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and
shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Jack Farthing, 78

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed
roof.”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
John Hardcastle, 72

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my Mother to stay for the weekend.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Colin Horrocks, 65

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”

“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Malcolm Riddock, 75

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my
concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------
Allen Cardly, 74

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I
think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the shop receipt.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Nicholas Benchley, 53

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked.
“When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Toby Williams, 60

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

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« Reply #5 on: 01 February 2018, 06:55:16 AM »

I've not read this literary masterpiece.......But having surmised what I thought was the general 'trend' of the (ahem) story, I found those rather good ! Grin Grin

Cheers - Phil
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skywalker
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« Reply #6 on: 01 February 2018, 12:32:48 PM »

Cheers for bringing mirth and laughter to a dull Thursday lunchtime  Grin Grin Applause Applause Thumbs up Thumbs up Party! Party! Rolling on the floor Rolling on the floor
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Westmarcher
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Ruff! Ruff!


« Reply #7 on: 01 February 2018, 01:45:47 PM »

 Grin Grin Grin  Applause
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Subedai
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« Reply #8 on: 08 March 2018, 12:32:54 PM »

Some more for your delictation:

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and,
upon returning to her car, found four males
in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
 
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car - NOW!"
 
The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded
to load her shopping bags into the back of the
car and got into the driver's seat.
 
She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then
she realized why.
 
It was for the same reason she had wondered
why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two
12-packs of beer in the front seat.
 
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her own car and drove
to the police station to report her mistake.
 
The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't
stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the
counter, where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as
white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair,
and carrying a large handgun.
 
No charges were filed.
 
Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a senior moment...
make it memorable

************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving Home from the city one night and, Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and Folding his arms across his chest, That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

****************************** *****************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.  "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
Somethin to tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead And gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda.... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

*********************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday Morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news .
 
 My Husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, Did he have any last requests?
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


****************************** ****************************** **********************


ANDTHEBESTFORLAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
A confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention But the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's No paper on this side either!"
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« Reply #9 on: 09 March 2018, 12:23:19 PM »

 Grin Grin Grin Made my day l Grin Grin Thumbs up Rolling on the floor Rolling on the floor
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Steve J
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« Reply #10 on: 09 March 2018, 01:38:41 PM »

Just catching up with these and some of them are real crackers Grin
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« Reply #11 on: 09 March 2018, 02:39:49 PM »

 Grin Grin Grin Grin

Cheers - Phil
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