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Author Topic: Differnt way of looking at things.  (Read 664 times)
Subedai
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« on: 23 January 2018, 01:58:29 PM »

I'll just leave these here.

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family
values..

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
______________________________ _______

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause
I still have mine.'

______________________________ _______
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
______________________________ _______
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids.'
______________________________ _______
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has
been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'

The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
______________________________ _______

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
_____________________________ _______
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from   San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
______________________________ _______
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective..

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
______________________________ _______
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
______________________________ _______
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
______________________________ _______
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
______________________________ _______
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of
thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'
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Techno
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« Reply #1 on: 23 January 2018, 04:27:01 PM »

Some oldies but goldies....But a few I hadn't heard before. (And they made I larf.)

Cheers - Phil
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Techno....AND STILL.....The most picked on member of the forum since 2011
Raider4
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Posts: 362



« Reply #2 on: 23 January 2018, 04:56:39 PM »


 . . . 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'


Ha, I actually LOL'd.

Cheers, M.
--
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Steve J
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« Reply #3 on: 23 January 2018, 05:52:34 PM »

 Grin Grin Grin. Never heard those before, but certainly made me chuckle.
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Subedai
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« Reply #4 on: 31 January 2018, 08:39:40 PM »

Another one I received today:   


We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at The Men's
Shed.

One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author  lauded for his
timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an
interesting suggestion.

He said his wife thought that we should read a book called..  "Fifty Shades of
Grey" as we might learn something from it..The chaps were all asked to attend
our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the
book and its relevance to our activities.  The follow-up meeting had a full
house and  the blokes recounted the literary impact the novel had on their
experiences:
Bill Carruthers, 74

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was theonly
place for a good shed.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------
Nick Enwright, 86
She stood before me, trembling in my shed
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her down the pub.-------------------------- ----
------------------------------ -------------
Ted Roberts, 79
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder
until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure.Now for the other Wellie.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and
shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Jack Farthing, 78

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed
roof.”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
John Hardcastle, 72

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my Mother to stay for the weekend.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Colin Horrocks, 65

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”

“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Malcolm Riddock, 75

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my
concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------
Allen Cardly, 74

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. “I
think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the shop receipt.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Nicholas Benchley, 53

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked.
“When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------
Toby Williams, 60

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

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Techno
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« Reply #5 on: 01 February 2018, 06:55:16 AM »

I've not read this literary masterpiece.......But having surmised what I thought was the general 'trend' of the (ahem) story, I found those rather good ! Grin Grin

Cheers - Phil
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Techno....AND STILL.....The most picked on member of the forum since 2011
skywalker
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WWW
« Reply #6 on: 01 February 2018, 12:32:48 PM »

Cheers for bringing mirth and laughter to a dull Thursday lunchtime  Grin Grin Applause Applause Thumbs up Thumbs up Party! Party! Rolling on the floor Rolling on the floor
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Westmarcher
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Ruff! Ruff!


« Reply #7 on: 01 February 2018, 01:45:47 PM »

 Grin Grin Grin  Applause
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I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
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