Edinburgh Fringe Best Jokes

Started by Westmarcher, 22 August 2017, 09:55:41 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

Westmarcher

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

;D [Do they have them in the wrong order?]  :D
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

Techno


FierceKitty

I don't drink coffee to wake up. I wake up to drink coffee.

Roy

there's a few there that made me smile  :D
princeps Roy , prince de Monacorra, (ascended in February 2023)
His Serene Highness the Sovereign Prince of (the imaginary sovereign microstate of) Monacorra

All Hail the Principality of Monacorra!  8-}

Westmarcher

[not from The Fringe]

Was at a funeral the other day. Guy had died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

********************

Two men were driving around in a truck with a penguin.
A traffic cop noticed the penguin and stopped the truck
and told the driver to take the bird to a zoo right away. The
next day, the same cop saw the same two men in the
same truck with the penguin again. He stopped them
and said, "Didn't I tell you guys to take this bird to a zoo
yesterday?" And the driver said "We did exactly that
officer! Today we're taking him to the movies."

**********************

Guy goes to the doctor with a steering wheel stuck to his .... er .... manhood.
Doc says, "Is it painful?"
"Sure is" came the reply. "It's driving me nuts."

**********************

[I'll get my coat ...]

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

Techno

 X_X X_X

I think you should, Westie !

I told Von the one about the new pound coin, last night.....

"That was funny, was it ?", was the reply.

Cheers - Phil

DanJ

Q.   Why does the new £1 coin have 12 sides?

A. So you can use a spanner to get it out of a Yorkshireman's* grasp.


* You may replace Yorkshireman with any other British stereotype, but it's true about those from the County of the White Rose

d_Guy

Here we would say use a wench.





no, I actual mean wench not wrench
Sleep with clean hands ...

d_Guy

Sleep with clean hands ...

fsn

24 August 2017, 06:20:22 PM #9 Last Edit: 24 August 2017, 06:27:03 PM by fsn
I've always found Yorkshiremen to be jovial, generous souls.
Lord Oik of Runcorn (You may refer to me as Milord Oik)

Oik of the Year 2013, 2014; Prize for originality and 'having a go, bless him', 2015
3 votes in the 2016 Painting Competition!; 2017-2019 The Wilderness years
Oik of the Year 2020; 7 votes in the 2021 Painting Competition
11 votes in the 2022 Painting Competition (Double figures!)
2023 - the year of Gerald:
2024 Painting Competition - Runner-Up!

Orcs

Quote from: fsn on 24 August 2017, 06:20:22 PM
I've always found Yorkshiremen to be jovial, generous souls.

A Yorkshireman once told me the following

"Definition of a Yorkshireman - A Scotsman with all the generosity taken out"
The cynics are right nine times out of ten. -Mencken, H. L.

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Roy

Now then, speaking as a Yorkshire man, as I am, I 'as t'say that I'm as generous as the next man. Except when it comes t'money.

I'll do a good dead - as long as it don't cost me nought. And I'll sweat and graft and suffer on such efforts. But when it comes t'money...

princeps Roy , prince de Monacorra, (ascended in February 2023)
His Serene Highness the Sovereign Prince of (the imaginary sovereign microstate of) Monacorra

All Hail the Principality of Monacorra!  8-}

Ithoriel

The three Yorkshire monkeys:

Hear all, see all, say nowt.
Eat all, drink all, pay nowt! ;)
There are 100 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who can work from incomplete data

Westmarcher

Quote from: RoyWilliamson on 25 August 2017, 04:31:10 PM

I'll do a good dead - as long as it don't cost me nought.


... as good as this?  :D

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

Roy

 ;D

Balls. I meant to say deed.

I can't help it, me 'eads full of cold virus.
princeps Roy , prince de Monacorra, (ascended in February 2023)
His Serene Highness the Sovereign Prince of (the imaginary sovereign microstate of) Monacorra

All Hail the Principality of Monacorra!  8-}